CQ's :)

[CQ:)]

18. The Head-Rush
Head to the ground, paws in the air - let gravity do the rest.


19. The Odd One Out
For this one you will need first to find two willing conformists.


20. The Mid-Sentence
Only recommended for individuals with extreme forms of narcolepsy.


21. The Bag Of Limbs (Box Edition)
Have a friend or loved one take you apart and put you back together haphazardly inside a box.


22. The Bag Of Limbs (Couch Edition)
Same as above, except (obviously) without the box.


23. The Dog Bed
Not a bed for dogs, but a bed that is made of dogs. I.e., the most comfortable bed you will ever sleep on that also smells kind of funky.


24. The Office Worker
Fall asleep on the job. LOL.


25. The Married Couple
Don't be afraid to snore.

[CQ:)]

[CQ:)]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
Arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
Mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
Pill in right hand As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
Holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
Hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
Firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and
drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
Hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little
*&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
Tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by
Large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
And pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[valeriedl]

That's exactally the same way I give my cat a pill!!!!

[CQ:)]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Really, …" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "they've lost the plot!!"

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady
asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

[CQ:)]

Incredible Wooden Chip Artwork by Sergey Bobkov 54-year-old Sergei Bobkov has patented a unique technique of creating amazing sculptures out of Siberian cedar wood-chips.

[lonnie]

Dear CQ I laughed so hard there are tears in my eyes it's so long since they've been there for the right reason. Thank you so much lonnie

[CQ:)]

Dear CQ I laughed so hard there are tears in my eyes it's so long since they've been there for the right reason. Thank you so much lonnie

Hi Lonnie,

You are more then welcome. I'm glad that my funny picture & jokes posts give you a laugh .

[Eli]

CQ not sure how I missed this thread but you are absolutely amazing!!

tytytyty hilarious!

[Shelley]

Wow. Am I the only one that thinks these pix are amazing?

[CQ:)]

CQ not sure how I missed this thread but you are absolutely amazing!!

tytytyty hilarious!

LOL Thanks Eli.

I can't take credit for all the posts because alot of them are emails i got of friends, the others are posts from other members.

I am always happy when I can make someone smile

[CQ:)]

Wow. Am I the only one that thinks these pix are amazing?

Are you referring to the wooden chip artwork?
I thought they are pretty cool, the 1st pic (the owl) is my favourite,

[lonnie]

Those pics are great but since it has been a long time since I have been into the forum I took a long time going back and re reading as well as looking at the pics I love it all. It so happens that because of my epilesy,surgery and meds my memory is extremely bad. That is a poor state to be in but there is one nice thing to it. Everything that you enjoyed when you go back and it is like you have never seen it before. Thank you for all the sites you make so even if I've seen them before I can go back and laugh over again.I love them all. lonnie

[Shelley]

mine, too CQ.

[CQ:)]

[CQ:)]

[Eli]

CQ, I like that one.

I forget things and fall alot! Do those count as hobbies?

[CQ:)]

[CQ:)]

[CQ:)]