CQ's :)

[Shelley]

Giraffe Test
Only 4 questions:-
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> How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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> Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
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> 2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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> Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
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> Wrong Answer.
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> Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
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> 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
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> Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
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> 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
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> you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
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> Correct Answer You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn
> quickly from your mistakes.
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> According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
> Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
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> Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
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Sorry I couldn't load the pix.

[CQ:)]

Very good Shelley

I only managed to get #2 right LMAO

[Loopy Lou]

I've seen the giraffe questions before. I remember asking all my college friends them haha.

[CQ:)]

This is undoubtedly the most expressive picture seen of an animal.

You can almost hear him say these words;

"You want me to do what?"

The look on this dog's face is priceless...




You Can kiss my ass,,,"I'm not smellin' those!"

[CQ:)]

'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.


So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'


The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...Pregnant when you met her.'

[CQ:)]

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety.
(wait for it. It's worth it). AFTER Tweety's caught, scroll down.




























This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds- remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds- it's recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway, So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon, Jessica Simpson
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1 hr plus - Congratulations. You've a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes his carrot.

HEY, DON'T BLAME ME. YOU SHOULD KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY. - now go on & forward it to your unsuspecting friends. You know you want to!

[CQ:)]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?

[CQ:)]

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

20..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

21.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

22.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

23.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

24.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

25.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

[CQ:)]

Dear Dr Phil

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- trout fishing. I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves trout fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time out on the lake.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful trout you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice trout that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!
And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself..
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby,
or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,
Barry.
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two trout we caught.


__________________________________________________ ______________



Dear Barry,
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
That's a nice pair of trout!
Sincerely
Dr. Phil

[neilB]

Now, that's priceless!

[CQ:)]

MEMORY TEST!

( Have a paper and pencil handy to record your answers. Your mind isn't as sharp as it once was!)

This is NOT a pushover test. It's a Baby Boomer era test!
There are 19 questions. Average score is 12. ( who says ? )
This one will be difficult for the youngerset.
Have fun, but no peeking!
When you forward this to your friends/family,put your score in the subject line and let them know your score.

Good luck, youngsters,

1. Look it's the Milky...
A. Way
B. Day
C. Bar Kid
D. Drink
E. Ice Cream
F. Bar Mum
G. Lolly

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson.
B. Roy Orbison...
C. Gene Autry.
D. Rudolph Valentino.
E. Fabian.
F. Mickey Mantle.
G. Cassius Clay.

3. Get with the strength bank on ....
A. Me.
B. The Wales
C. The Commonwealth..
D. The National.
E. The CBA.
F. Us.
G. Everyone .

4. Remember one Flick and.
A. I am back.
B. They're gone.
C. Its Ok.
D. Their dead.
E. I will be back .
F. another Flick.
G. what Flick.

5. Guess whose Mum's....
A. Is mad
B. Bakes Cakes.
C. Works.
D. Got a Whirlpool.
E. goes Shopping.
F. uses Lady Clairol.
G. has a Car.

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...
A. Stuart Whitman.
B. Randolph Scott.
C. Steve Reeves..
D. Maynard G. Krebs.
E. Corky B. Dork.
F. Dave the Whale.
G. Zippy Zoo.

7. Liar, liar...
A. You're a liar.
B. Your nose is growing.
C. Pants on fire.
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher.
F. On the wire.
G. I'm telling Mom.

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and.....
A. Wheaties.
B. Lois Lane .
C. TV ratings.
D. World peace.
E. Red tights.
F. The American way.
G. News headlines.

9. Car 54?
A. Where are You.
B. It's time.
C. reverse
D. where Is car 56.
E. Did you crash.
F. park here .
G. Help! Help!..

10. Open wide come inside its
A. Fun Time.
B. Playschool.
C. Dinner Time.
D. Time for Bed
E. Romper Room.
F. Here's Humphrey
G. Fat Cat.

11. Dorie Evans said
A. Who are You
B. Wear a uniform.
C. Why wasn't I told.
D. where did you get that .
E. You don't know.
F. 'Trust me'.
G. Who eats tofu.

12. Father Knows...
A. It all
B. What you did
C. Best
D. Everything
E. Your Name
F. Who ate the Pie
G. Me

13. Brylcream...
A. Smear it on.
B. You'll smell great..
C. Tame that cowlick.
D. Grease ball heaven.
E. It's a dream.
F. We're your team.
G. A little dab'll do ya.

14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins.
B. With my man, Bill.
C. Down at the mill.
D. Over the windowsill.
E. With thyme and dill.
F. Too late to enjoy.
G. On Blueberry Hill.

15. Before Robin Williams was Peter Pan he was
A. Dork.
B. Mork .
C. in trouble.
D. out of work.
E. in Friends.
F. Jim Carrey.
G. Jay Leno.

16. Name the Beatles...
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E.. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli.
B. Cause I eats me spinach.
C. Cause I lift weights.
D. Cause I'm the hero.
E. And don't you forget it.
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.
G. To outlast Bruto.

18. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today.
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
B. Smile, you're on Star Search.
C. Smile, you won the lottery.
D. Smile, we're watching you.
E. Smile, the world sees you.
F. Smile, you're a hit.
G. Smile, you're on TV.

19. What do M & M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy.
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket.
C. Make you fat.
D. Melt your heart.
E. Make you popular.
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
G. Come in colors.





Below are the right answers:
1. C - Bar Kid
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - The Wales
4. B - And they're Gone
5. D - Got a Whirlpool
6. D - Maynard G. Krebs
7. C - Pants on fire
8. F - The American Way
9. A - Where are you
10. B - Playschool
11. C Why wasn't I told
12. C - Best
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15.. B - Mork
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. B - Cause I eats me spinach
18. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
19. F - Melt in your mouth not in your hand

[Shelley]

I got 15 also. Some I hadn't even heard of, but oh well. It was fun.

[BuckeyeFan]

That was fun, but only 13 right.

[CQ:)]

I got 15 also. Some I hadn't even heard of, but oh well. It was fun.

Some of them were Australian & not sure but maybe some were English aswell lol

[seizingbeauty]

I got 11 but I figure my age might be a factor

[Loopy Lou]

I got about two lol - the milky way one and the Mork and Mindy one. *dies*

My brain is not working today!

[CQ:)]

I know you're not all seniors, but I'm sure you will get this.................

At Last, a Cell Phone for Seniors!



I know some of you are not old enough to get this,
but you can pass it on to some old person who needs a laugh today

[CQ:)]

This explains why we forward jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man ?Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

[CQ:)]

This is one for dog lovers

[CQ:)]

These are pretty clever. Don't rush.
Study each picture and try to determine what it represents,
before looking at the answer below the picture.
Put on your thinking caps.
__________________________________________________ __________





Eggplant





Doctor Pepper





Pool table





Tap dancers




Card Shark





The King of Pop





I Pod





Knight mare





Hole Milk




Light Beer
__________________________________________________ ______________

Get 'em all? Com'on be honest!
Pass them on to your smart friends.