Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning,
I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" ?
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.?
Ed has been missing since Friday - Please pray for him.........
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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family
there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box
of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the
door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom
where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day,
and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He
said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to becomeaccustomed to
the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People'
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
I love this.....
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, "Winnie the s**t"
Eleven year old's environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution: 'When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.'
Primary maths pupil's answer to question, `take 9 from 246 as many times as possible': `I did it fifty times and I always got 237.'
A little girl named Sally loved animal crackers. Her mom took her to the store and bought her some. When they got home, Sally started taking out all the animal crackers from the box and laid them all out on the table. Her mother asked why she was doing that. Sally replied, "I'm looking for the seal. The box says if the seal is broken, don't eat it."
Now here's an interesting approach!
A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, stupid, or both?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is
important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor
cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do,
probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT
TO THE WOMAN.
(8 ) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
The Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so
she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the
drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He
removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my
skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said:
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. About an hour later she called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY!"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Maintaining A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ” For Smuggling Diamonds”
7. Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With T he Prophecy.”
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital An d Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party
Because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards Th e Parking lot,
Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To Th e Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.”
Never Show Up Late!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Pat?”
“I just saw one of your garters!”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“I just saw both of your garters!”
Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.
“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar
and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
(This one doesn't read well, but it is fun to tell.)
Person 1: Knock knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Interrupting cow.
Person 2: Interrupting cow...
Person 1: MOOOOO!
Shown below , is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, over- charging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be a ware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be counter signed by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of
course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll
have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much
your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying
on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that
broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you...
You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant
three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment
and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I
can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you,
young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in
every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will
always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's
your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know
we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know,
you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't
mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do
the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent
the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After
about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked,
How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
' NO WAY.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of
you still believe in genies?
An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road. He'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd planted some
nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond. One evening the old farmer
decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been down there for a
while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and laughing with... As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side
of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his Presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.' Old men can still think fast.
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