CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese :

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. ?

I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

'And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied,

'Because people are sleeping.'



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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

' Ryan , you be Jesus !'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.

'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CQ:)]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!



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WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'




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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'



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WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



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CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



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WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'





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The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Shelley]

Underwear Is Important!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[CQ:)]

Underwear Is Important!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

LMAO

[CQ:)]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

'Oh,' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,

No I haven't.'

And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom, You still awake?'

[CQ:)]

A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."


A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."


A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."


An American doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work."

[CQ:)]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.


They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what
they did the night before.


The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.


She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.' They throw the switch and nothing happens.


They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.


'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.' They
throw the switch and again, nothing happens.


Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,


'Well I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now , ya'll ain't
gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.'

[speber]

That's awesome CQ!.....keep 'em comin'!

[BuckeyeFan]

20 Rules of Rural Ohio



THE RULES OF RURAL OHIO ARE AS FOLLOWS
Listen up City Slickers !
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a
pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way .
Just pick one !

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny
to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it?
I-70 goes east and west, I-71 goes north and south. Again,-
pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn
pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6 So every person in rural Ohio waves. It's called being friendly. Try
to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you
don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want
sushi & caviar? It's available at Jim's bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's
a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of
age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or
you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &
Turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and
ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call
that stuff you eat.. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and
served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how
to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Cavs
and the Knicks, and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it
spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities,
Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an
education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at
everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and
Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the
best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't
music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see
your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some
sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from
the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to
live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades
will have you out the next day.

[LynnW]

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and
ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call
that stuff you eat.. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

Oh no, you didn't just insult my Skyline Chili!

[BuckeyeFan]

Silly Lynn, real chili isn't served over spaghetti. You must be a city gal.


Real chili is HOT, meaty, and saucy. We have an annual chili cook-off in our town that I absolutely love.



Though I will occasionally eat at a Skyline. Just don't tell anyone. Shhhh.

[CQ:)]

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1 We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on..

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet - you know, her hair. I'd diet maybe blue..

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.


WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --
SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRAND MOTHERS, AUNTS
and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh

[CQ:)]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went
out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend
it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, and said... 'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[BIGMAN131307]

Five surgeons were exchanging views at a conference. They ended up discussing what were the best patients to operate upon.

The 1st said "I prefer accountants because when I open them up everything is numbered".

The 2nd said " Nah! I prefer Electricians because everything inside is colour coded".

The 3rd chirped up "Nope, I much prefer Librarians because everything is in alphabetical order".

The 4th chimed in "Oh I prefer building workers, they always understand if I have a few bits left over"!

The 5th said "Sorry Guys, you are all wrong! Politicians are the best to open up, they have no guts, no heart, no balls,no brains, no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable"!

__________________________________________________ ___



Funny thing about all doctors.. and surgeons.. they are always "practicing"!!

[CQ:)]

A teacher reports:

My five-year old students, are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...




" A f r i c a n Elephant "

[CQ:)]

How to speak about Men and be politically correct:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not ' BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.'

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7 He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8.He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

[CQ:)]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'

[CQ:)]

Memory was something you lost with age
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived


And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ...





. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out! !

[homemom360]

a man got off of work one day and went out to find his car would not start. the boss was leaving the same time and offered to take the man home. when they reached the mans house he asked his boss in for something to drink. as they closed the doors on the truck suddenly children started coming from every where, under the house, out of the barn, out of the trees, ect, they were everywhere. the boss looked at the man and was confused, he scratched his head and finally asked, "these kids all your?", the man hung his head. "yes, they are." he replied. "how did this happen?" the boss asked. "well, you see my wife she's hard of hearing." the man told him. "what does that have to do with having all these kids?" the boss was more confused. "well you see," the man replied. "we go to bed at night, and i ask her 'do you want to go to sleep or what?' and she always replies, 'WHAT?'"

i heard my dad tell this joke to a friend when i was in high school and before long in the group i was in 'what' was the private joke with everyone.

[CQ:)]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted....