CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[hawke86]

Hahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Elaine H]

Two ducks go on honeymoon to a hotel. The male duck realises that he doesn't have any condoms, so he telephones down to reception and asks for three to be sent up to their room. The receptionist asks does he want them putting on his bill and the duck replies......"Don't be so bloody daft woman, I'll suffocate!!!"

[CQ:)]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all
Led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
Back to earth and be anyone you wish to be


The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'


And *poof* she's gone.


The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, 'I want to be Sarah Pipalini..'


St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he ask


'Sarah Pipalini,' replies the nun.


St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
Ring a bell.'


The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.


St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
Says:


'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'

[Birdbomb]

Blonde on plane


A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket
for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks
at the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the
first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable she moves forward
to the last empty one.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her
seat is in economy. The blonde replies, 'I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and
I'm going to sit here all the way to New York .'

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the
captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that
her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, 'I'm young,
blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York .'
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the
cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.

The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take
care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in
the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says 'Thank you so much,' hugs
the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot
and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask
the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. 'I just told her that the
first class section isn't going to New York .'

[Meetz1064]

That was FUNNNY, BB!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!

THANK YOU!

:roflmao :

[Loudmouth]

Congratulations from www.sweetshop.co.uk!!!!

You have won the weight of your brain in sweets!!!

To collect your tic tac please contact us at www.thicko.co.uk.




(Apologies to all who don't share our sense of humour)

[CQ:)]

[Birdbomb]

BWAHAHAHA! That one HURT!

[Birdbomb]

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

[homemom360]

if i laughed any harder, or any longer, i would have pee'edmy pants and cried, at the same time. thanks for the fantastic laugh...

[Birdbomb]

If you ever had a sick cat...you'd be cowering in a corner with flash backs at this! Nothing is harder in the world than giving a pill to a cat. LOL! I look at it this way, if I can't smear it on his gums and teeth them that cat ain't gonna get any medicine!

[Meetz1064]

Having been there, done that, I don't relish ever having to give a cat a pill. I always told the vet it was either liquid, or cream, or nothing at all. I STILL have scratch marks from some of my former feline friends many, many years ago!

[CQ:)]

Great Business Signs

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
Sign at a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago radiator shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'.

[CQ:)]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,...... Kerplop right on his
Twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's prfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said,
'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny Rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,
'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,
'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a POLITICIAN.'

[Elaine H]

Scientists have recently crossed a male chicken with an onion
and have finally got a cock that brings tears to a woman's eyes!!!!!!

[Elaine H]

A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruising, two black eyes, and a 5 iron wrapped round his neck, the doctor asks.."what happened to you?" He replied "well, I was playing golf with my wife, we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows, I found a golf ball stuck in a cow's fanny...I yelled to my wife, this looks like yours! I don't remember very much after that!!!"

[Elaine H]

A blonde woman takes her broken car to be repaired, fearing an expensive bill, but the mechanic fixes it in two minutes, "it's nothing serious love" he says " just shit in the air filter" The blonde smiled and thanked him saying "that's great thanks, how often do I have to do that?!"

Tee Hee!!!

[morgan381]

I was driving to the grocery store the other day for milk and bread, when a big green pick-up truck pulled out in front of me. I muttered a few nice things under my breath but continued along my way. The truck went around the bend in the road so fast that an ice chest flew out of the back. Being the curious type, and in no hurry, I pulled to the side to see what was inside.

When I opened the ice chest, there was a human toe packed in ice! OMG! So, I called 911 and told the operator what had just happened. "What am I suppose to do?! Do I take it to the hospital?" I shrieked. The operator calmly replied, "Now ma'am, you need to calm down. It was just a toe truck."

[CQ:)]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and
put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in
there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'