CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway station, next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[Tralee A]

have a chuckle at this...

2 over worked public servants were working flat out in thier office.

the man quietly said to his blonde co-worker "i know how we can get a few days off"
"how?" she said

with that he looked around the room, to see the coast was clear, stood on his desk and knocked out a ceiling tile and swung his legs up over a pipe/bar in the roof. within a matter of seconds the manager came storming out
"what do u think you are doing?" he demanded
"i'm a light bulb" the man said
" i want you to go and dont want to see you for 3 days" said the manager.
the man jumped down logged off his computer and headed out the door. the blonde was hot on his heels
"where do you think you're going" asked the manager
"home" said the blonde "i cant work in the dark"

[CQ:)]

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and
I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just
pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the tv , and threw out my wine.

[CQ:)]

Two Maoris are riding along the Highway on a motorbike.
They break down and start trying to hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker (Rob) stops to see if he can help and the 2 Maori's ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 200 bowling balls.

The Maori's put it to the Rob that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he

give them a lift and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon

so Rob shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down..
Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks Rob what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly-- 'Maori eggs'.

The Highway Patrol Officer obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

'I've got a wagon with 200 Maori eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they
have managed to steal a motorbike already'

[CQ:)]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR



If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... but that's not the worst of it.My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[CQ:)]

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she
slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!"

The nun fainted............

[CQ:)]

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem:
The last line had to be as unromantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming .

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was p*ssed.

5. I thought that I could love no other,
That is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you,
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
D*mn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to h*ll.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[CQ:)]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .


************************************************** ****************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..

[CQ:)]

Life is unfair.

I lost my car keys at a ball game and
Never found them.

I lost my sunglasses at the beach
Never found them.

I lost my socks in the washing machine
Never found them.

I lost three kilo's on a diet
I found them and five more

[CQ:)]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF
SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO
I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM .. .

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we
should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you
were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought
me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! With an attitude he asked . .. . and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now ! ! ! '


FORGET THOSE SHRINKS..
GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

[CQ:)]

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)








































What were you thinking?



Hellooooooo,

her husband speaks English!

[CQ:)]

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

[CQ:)]

Exercises

The Doc told me to start an exercise program.

Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:



Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper


Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head


Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles


Advise the Prime Minister on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire


Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge


Pick up the pieces


Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them

What a Workout!

[CQ:)]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.

And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:


'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.'

[CQ:)]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
__________________________________________________ ___
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
__________________________________________________ ___
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
__________________________________________________ ____
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
__________________________________________________ ____
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
__________________________________________________ _____

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
__________________________________________________ _________
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
__________________________________________________ _________
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
__________________________________________________ _________
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
__________________________________________________ ____________
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
__________________________________________________ ____________
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[CQ:)]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and He doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

[darkmarkshark]

Maintaining A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ” For Smuggling Diamonds”

7. Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With T he Prophecy.”

8. Don’t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital An d Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds
All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party
Because You’re Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards Th e Parking lot,
Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To Th e Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

Are you sure didn't mean to post these in the "you know you have epilepsy if..." thread rather than here.

[darkmarkshark]

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so from now on:

1) While you are eating, I will do my best to stick my nose between you and your food

2) When you are in the litter box, I will stand at the edge and wail, "fluuffffy, fluuufffy, where are you, fluuuffy, its been 2 seconds and you haven't paid any attention to me."

3) When you sit down next to me to share some love/attention, I will get up and walk away. When you sleep, I will poke you repeatedly until you wake up and give me attention

4) In the event, I happen to be in the other room when you are occupied, I will point towards you and call fluffy, so that you know I will touch your tail in that spot you hate being touched, if you don't immediately give me all of your attention


5) I will bite you to let you know when its time for us to stop sharing attention

6) If I see you looking interested in what I have, I will lie on top of it until you turn away

7) If I see you with anything that isn't me, I'll lay on top of it, regardless of whether or not I want to play with it or want attention from you at the time

8 ) While you are sleeping, I will poke, prod, bite, nibble, etc at you until you rearrange your body into the position that I would most enjoy lying next to

9) Whenever you are headed to anywhere in the house I will wait until you are just a few steps away, and then run at breakneck speed so that I can beat you to your destination

*By the way, does anyone know why Fluffy disappeared before I finished reading this

[CQ:)]

A husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts,

honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily,
fix the lights now?
Does it look like i have
ge written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

Fine,

then the wife asks,
well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right

to which he replied,
fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have westinghouse
written on my forehead?
I don't think so

fine, she says
then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?
They are about to break

i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps
he says, does it look like i have
ace hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so
i've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple of hours...............................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat
outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and
all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said,
so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied,
hellooooo..
Do you see sara lee written
on my forehead?
I don't think so!

[Shelley]

but it's funny
Pachelbel's Canon
<http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1731941>