CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

A husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts,

honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily,
fix the lights now?
Does it look like i have
ge written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

Fine,

then the wife asks,
well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right

to which he replied,
fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have westinghouse
written on my forehead?
I don't think so

fine, she says
then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?
They are about to break

i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps
he says, does it look like i have
ace hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so
i've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple of hours...............................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat
outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and
all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said,
so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied,
hellooooo..
Do you see sara lee written
on my forehead?
I don't think so!

[Shelley]

but it's funny
Pachelbel's Canon
<http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1731941>

[Shelley]

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1731941

[CQ:)]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mamm al its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
__________________________________________________ ______

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
__________________________________________________ _

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
__________________________________________________ ______

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
__________________________________________________ __

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
__________________________________________________ ______

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

[darkmarkshark]

But what happens if you have NO teeth
or you're wearing dentures?

(ducking head)

hee hee hee hee!

Or if your someone like me whose wisdom teeth never broke through the gums (one of the good things in my life as I've been told they'll need removed if they do so - one is even turned sideways under the gum)

[CQ:)]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion a Chimpanzee a Giraffe and a Squirrel who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.

















If your answer is:


Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

[homemom360]

i guess i was awake enough that i knew the answer before i looked but my daughter fell for it....she's seven though (hahahahahahaha)

[CQ:)]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole loaf of bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'Of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
Transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .' The American had a smirk on his face.

The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?'

Sighing, the Australian replied, 'Of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.'

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. 'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

[BuckeyeFan]

THAT WAS GREAT!


static, static .... And the GOLD MEDAL goes to AUSTRALIA!!!!






Oh yeah, I bit on the coconut tree completely. I think I should take two weeks off.

[RanMan]

1) This is a blonde joke, hope I don't offend anyone.

A car pulls up to a gas pump. A blonde gets out and proceeds to fill her car with gas. When she has finished, she realizes that she locked her keys in the car with her purse in it.
She then goes up to the Gas bar attendant and asks if she could borrow a clothes hanger to try to unlock the car.
After a few minutes, the Gas bar attendant went out to see how she was making out.
As she was moving the hanger around, the other blonde inside the car said "you almost got it, move it more to the left...etc.........


2) Did you hear about the 2 Irish men that walked out of a pub....................yeah.........it could happen.

3) WOW ~ This car has everything:

Tiger Woods drives up to a gas pump to fill his car (the BUICK I think, one of his several cars)
While the kid (attendant) was waiting for the car to fill up, he was walking around the car and looking in the windows and admiring all the cool features.

As Tiger Woods goes to pay the attendant (he doesn't have to pump his own gas) he reaches in to his pocket for some change, while doing so, he also pulled out a couple of golf tees.

Not knowing any better, the kid asks "what are those"
Tiger's reply ~ "Those are Tees, (are you ready for this)
"That's what I set my balls on when I drive"

Kid's response: WOW ~ This car has everything.


4) SUMBITCH


A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Larry, the only redneck in the neighborhood He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Larry was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirt ing with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Larry in the pool!
Larry was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!

Larry was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both Larry and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Larry strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Larry then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Larry, I reckon I ow e you a million dollars,'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Larry.

The rich man said, 'Man , I have to give you something.

You won the bet How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Larry.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you somethi ng. &n bsp;That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Larry said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Larry, then what do you want?'

Larry said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!


Randy

[CQ:)]

Very good Randy

[CQ:)]

Grandma's boyfriend


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my T.V is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my T.V as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the T.V, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the T.V hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

[CQ:)]

Ten Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a
serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename
the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological
exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and
leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out
that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui
aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when
you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play
animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see
our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say,
"Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had
the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the
couch, and sigh,
"I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..." I think I'll take a
break and check my E-mail!

[CQ:)]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other
Kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to
Speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
''Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says:
'Because I'm the f#cking goalie'

[CQ:)]

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our yo uth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ' I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bea n supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in t he park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan:
Last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

[Meetz1064]

I LOVE 'em!!!! Those were HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!

[darkmarkshark]

married man's guide to cooking

Day 1

1) Dial 1-555-749-9228 and ask for a large mushroom pizza to be delivered
2) Turn the oven on at 200 degrees
3) Take a handfull of flour and throw it in the air while standing in the kitchen
4) Put another handful of flour in a mixing bowl and a little water and stir vigourously, making sure to splash
5) Drip flour/water mixture in various places around kitchen - be sure to spill some on the oven and floor
6) Open a jar of pizza sauce. Use a spoon to fling some around the kitchen, make sure to dribble some on your pants
7). Take a wedge of cheese and rub it on the grater a few times. Place the grater near the sink than throw the shredded cheese around, especially on top of the oven and beside the garbage can.
8 ) Next take out a container of mushrooms. Cut up four and throw the pieces around - make sure none accidentally fall in the garbage can
9) Answer the door and pay for the pizza. Take pizza out and sit it on counter
10) Grab the leftover flour, pizza sauce, cheese, mushrooms, and pizza box and run outside
11) Burn said items and run back inside
12) Place pizza in oven right before your SO comes home.
13) Take out the pizza as your SO walks in the door
14) Say "Honey, I care about you so much that I put alot of effort into making you the best pizza ever. It was a tough job but you are worth it and I'm glad that you feel I am worth cleaning up after because I'm exhausting from working so hard for you."
15) Eat dinner
16) Go to sleep

Day 2

1) Approach SO and say "What are you making for dinner today? Its so great that you volunteered to cook and clean up after yourself."

Day 3

1) Hide in the closest

[brain]

MARK:

You forgot the "VITAL" importance, "HIDE PIZZA BOX"

[RanMan]

Brain,

See Number 10 &11 above re leftover pizza box.

Randy

[Elaine H]

A little boy walks into his mum and dad's bedroom and catches them shagging, the little boy says "what are you two up to?" Dad looks at him and says "We're making you a little brother son, the little boy says "Well do her doggy style dad, I'd much rather have a puppy!!"

Loadsalove

Elaine xx