CQ's Jokes

[Loudmouth]

My friends are gonna LOVE that one!

[CQ:)]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Timmy, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Timmy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Timmy grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little s**t.

[Meetz1064]

got me LAUGHING, CQ!!!

Thanks!!

Meetz

[CQ:)]

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.'

'In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.'

'In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration'

[seizingbeauty]

HAHAHA love it gotta tell that one to Papa!

[Shelley]

if this goes here or under quotes


When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns

[CQ:)]

Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking......
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do
you think is farther away........... Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
You see Melbourne ...?????"


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed, likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you"?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're
watch dogs .

[CQ:)]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,

'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an 'F' in sex.'

[CQ:)]

Old Fart AFL Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Goal 6 Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Goal, tied score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 12 points to 6.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Goal, tied score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, a
'Point, I lead 13 to 12.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

[RanMan]

What's the differance between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause ?

A) Santa stopped at 3 Ho's

[CQ:)]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker

[seizingbeauty]

Thanks for all the Jokes
BTW the "Christmas tree" joke had them all

[Z J]

The Pope, Oral Roberts, and Billy Grahm were flying over the ocean. Sadly, they were in a 3-way plane crash and they all wound up in Heaven.
"We don't have rooms for you just yet," says St. Peter, "but we're already on the job. However, we're going to have to put you up somewhere." So he goes to the phone, speed-dials the number for hell- 666. He explains: "Hey Lucifer? Pete. Hey, I got these guys, they're ours, but we don't have rooms for them yet. How 'bout you keepin' 'em for us for a few days?" Satan agrees. After 3 days, Lucifer returns the call: "Hey Pete, You gotta come get these clowns! The Pope is forgiving everybody, Billy Grahm saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

[seizingbeauty]

What did the 0 say to the 8?


"Nice belt"

[RanMan]

Class Dismissed!








It is near the Christmas break of the school year.
The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here.
I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able
to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,
"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

[Rae1889]

[seizingbeauty]

what she said

[CQ:)]

Class Dismissed!


It is near the Christmas break of the school year.
The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here.
I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able
to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,
"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

[CQ:)]

Eight days before Christmas, when all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, except that damn mouse!
The stockings were not hung by the chimney with care,
with hopes that St. Nicholas would really not care!
No lights on the tree, no cards to be sent,
no cookies to bake, or pink snuggies to wrap!
Now, Dasher, ...Dancer, Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen,
don’t land on my roof, don’t poop on my lawn,
take Santa to Weight Watchers to drop a few pounds!

[Rae1889]

A wonderful recipe to share with all my friends.....



Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies†

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila†

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.†

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.†

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves

a s....t Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.†

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the

Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas!