CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

Very good Rae

[seizingbeauty]

How to Bathe the Cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: DO NOT GET ANY PART OF YOUR BODY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE AS HIS PAWS WILL BE REACHING FOR ANYTHING THEY CAN FIND. THE CAT WILL SELF-AGITATE AND MAKE AMPLE SUDS. NEVER MIND THE NOISES THAT COME FROM YOUR TOILET, THE CAT IS ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "Power Wash" and "Rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the bathroom door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
The now cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside to self dry.....
SINCERELY,
THE DOG

[Rae1889]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
9 :30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!




EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:
Day 183

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

[Z J]

Rae,
ROFL!

[RanMan]

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika, the world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden .

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.



Randy

[Z J]

Perfectly sordid, Ran, but I've never seen a poem stick so well to the Night Before Christmas. Perfectly true, but sordid.

[CQ:)]

Great poem Ranman

[RanMan]

Marriage ( Part I)
>
> Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the
> wedding, he laid down the following rules:
> 'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
> I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
>
> I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I
> won't be home for dinner.
>
> I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with
> my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
>
> Those are my rules. Any comments?'
>
> His new bride said:
>
> 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
> here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not..'
>
> (DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
>
> ************************************************
>
> Marriage (Part II)
>
> Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
> wedding anniversary!
>
> The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
> reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
>
> 'Yeah?'she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
> reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
>
> (HE ASKED FOR IT!)
>
> *****************************************
>
> Marriage ( Part III)
>
> Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
> table.
>
> Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed
> either,' and storms out of the house.
>
> After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
> amends and rings her up.
>
> She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
> says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
> She says, 'I was in bed.'
>
> 'In bed this early, doing what?'
>
> 'Getting a second opinion!'
>
> (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
>
> *****************************************
>
> Marriage ( Part IV)
>
> A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement He is so
> proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,'
> Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
>
> One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go
> home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
> shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
>
> His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
> back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
>
> (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
> *****************************************
>
> THE SILENT TREATMENT
>
> A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
> each other the silent treatment.
>
> Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to
> wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
>
> Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
> on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he
> knew she would find it.
>
> The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
> he had missed his flight.
>
> Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him
> when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is
> 5:00 AM.
> Wake up.'
>
> Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>
> *****************************************
> God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
> draft before the masterpiece.
>
>

[Shelley]

Marriage ( Part I)

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.

True!

[seizingbeauty]

Cherry Mistmas!

Just wanted to say thanks again Rae for this one! After our company party and many many bottles of sake we all wished each other a wonderful Cherry Mistmas!

[Z J]

This hunter had been going to church on all of the Sundays of his life, so he figured God wouldn't mind if he skipped a Sunday to go hunting. So he loaded up his shotgun and started out, and it wasn't too long before he came upon a mean ol' Grizzly Bear. Then the chase went the other way, prey chasing the predator, hunter became the hunted. Now what should happen but that the ground give way sending the man down with a broken leg, but he remembered the Lord and said: "Dear Lord, if you would only make a Christian out of that bear that's gonna eat me, why, we'll get along fine." Instantaneously, the bear skidded to a stop, fell to it's knees and said: "Thank you Lord for the food you've set before me." The hunter has not been seen to date.

[Rae1889]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ZJ! Thats awesome

[Z J]

We've all got a him in us. Here are just a few examples:

Hymns

The Dentist's Hymn.........Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn.........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn.........The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn.........Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn.........There Is A Green Hill Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn.........Standing On The Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn.........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn.........I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn.........Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn.........Send the Light
The Shopper's Hymn......... Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn.........I've Got A Mansion, Just Over the Hill

[Z J]

For those of you who speed, a few hymns for you:

45 mph.........God Will Take Care of You
55 mph.........Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph.........Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph.........Nearer, Still Nearer
85 mph.........This World Is Not My Home
95 mph.........Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph.........Precious Memories

[Z J]

A minister told his congregation,"Next week, I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said,"Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[Shelley]

Guy goes into a clothing store, tries on a new pair of pants. Tailor asks how they fit.

Man says, “Well, they kinda remind me of Trinity Church.”

Tailor says, “Trinity Church? How could pants remind you of Trinity Church?”

Man says, “Well, you know the ballroom in Trinity Church?”

Tailor thinks for a moment. Then he says, “There’s no ballroom in Trinity Church!”

Man says, “Same as these pants.”

[marion]

An elderly couple with memory problems are advised by their
doctor to write notes to help them remember things. One
evening, while watching TV, the wife asks her husband to get
her a bowl of ice cream. "Sure," he says.

"Write it down," she suggests.

"No," he says. "I can remember a simple thing like that."

"I also want strawberries and whipped cream," she says.
"Write it down."

"I don't need to write it down," he insists, heading to the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, he returns, bearing a plate of bacon and
scrambled eggs.

"I told you to write it down!" his wife says. "I wanted fried eggs!"

[Z J]

Always tickles my funnybone!

[BuckeyeFan]

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees..
'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[BuckeyeFan]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry; your pet duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the vet replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!" she cried. "150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been twenty dollars. But, what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it all adds up.