Stand-up Comedy musician style.....

[speber]

Know any jokes about music? Here's a few to get started!

Warning: Musician jokes:
What's the difference between cutting up an oboe and cutting up an onion? You cry when you cut up the onion.
How can you tell an oboist is at your front door? By the Domino's Pizza hat.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take you shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? So they can park in handicapped zones.

I wish I had an updated list of these. The 1 and 1/2 pages of musician jokes I have dates from the early 1990's. Usually the only people who have heard these are the musicians themselves. Ask any professional musician and they will have more and newer jokes then these!!!

Oops, I forgot one!
How do you get two piccolos to play in tune? Shoot one.
(Yea, I was originally a flutist and I still have my piccolo and flute).

Okay, a drummer is asked to join in with some friends who have been playing Indian music. He listens for a bit and says,"Uh, I don't know guys...this sounds wierd?". Then the tabla player says, "Oh it's easy!...just give us a backbeat on the 5 and the 7!"

[renee97]

Ok, there is a frog and a drummer on the bus. What's the difference?
The frog is probably going to a gig.

My favorite is still the one about the bassoon and the trampoline.
As for the clarinetist leaving his case on the dashboard, you can substitute the viola player leaving his case on the dashboard as well.

Another, much less well known joke, but from what I understand is actually true is this one:
(take your pick of composer-I have heard this is true of at least two or three of them) Igor Stravinsky walks into a concert hall a little after the program has started and sits down. He turns to he patron next to him and says:
"That is a pretty good piece of music. Who is the composer?"
"Oh, some guy named Igor Stravinsky."

[Shelley]

This one doesn’t really have to do with guitar, but with theory. And you have to know a little bit about theory to get this one.

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.

[alivenwell]

That's pretty good. I've studied music theory a lot and my straight, stern, strict teacher never gave jokes out like that. keep 'em coming.

And, I'm related to a professional musician, believe it or not!

[brain]

I guess we need to always B#
and never Bb!

[speber]

I guess we need to always B#
and never Bb!

Just B natural.


Peace!

[Meetz1064]

Oooooooooooooooooo, thanks for the giggle! I needed that!

[Shelley]

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself,
"Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true," she replied, "But you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.

[speber]

...A young wannabe rock guitarist recently died and found himself instantly taken to a large concert hallfull of people.

He was on-stage!

He then saw Jimi Hendrix walk on-stage and plug his guitar in! He thought "Oh my God!...I'm going to JAM with Jimi Hendrix!....is this Heaven???"

Just then Keith Moon walks on-stage and sits behind the drumkit!...John Lennon sits down at a piano!...John Entwistle picks up the bass guitar!...Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, George Harrison, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Buddy Holly, Robert Johnson, all walk on-stage!....

The young guitarist is like "AAAAAGH!!!!!----this is AMAZING!----this must be HEAVEN!"...

...then he hears Karen Carpenter at the microphone, "Okay guys, 'Close To You'...and a one, and a two,..."

[brain]

...then he hears Karen Carpenter at the microphone, "Okay guys, 'Close To You'...and a one, and a two,..."

At least it wasn't

"I've got you Babe!"

[Shelley]

Minimum Safe Distances Between Street Musicians And The Public:

Violinist: 25 feet
BAD violinist: 50 feet
Tone-deaf guitar player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15-year-old electric guitar player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

[brain]

A pastor of a congregation is a very fair man.
He believed in equal opportunity for everyone
no matter what! PERIOD! NO EXCEPTIONS!

Well, one day, this shy gentleman, had this
favorite song, and his beloved grandmother
whom was deceased fell upon a certain specific
Sunday. He confronted the pastor of that church
and insisted that he sing solo in tribune to his
beloved grandmother.

Now this pastor realized he just put himself into
a hole. Everyone in church knew this man cannot
sing a tune, not even off key. But he truly believed
he could sing tenor.

The pastor was firm with his promise, but was
clever, he had him to sing it at the end of the
service; however the sound man stated, "SIR?
This man cannot sing tenor!" The Pastor merely
glanced and said "Indeed not, maybe ten or
fifty miles away, but at the end of the service
everyone's departing."

[renee97]

How do you frustrate a soprano? Ask her to read music.
What's the difference betweena cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse inside.

And after receiving an email from a cellist with a fairly narrow opinion of composers, I couldn't agree more!

[brain]

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before
figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn
his throne (but only after they figure out that you
have to turn the bulb).
4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen
to drink until the room spins.
5. None. They have a machine to do that.

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Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

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How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.