Warning: I've been here too often!

[renee97]

OK, so here I am in December 2007. Picture this: Social Security Administration still insists that I owe them over $7,200.00 for what they claim is an overpayment for disability they made to me in the mid 1990's. Yea, right.
I have medical bills in the region of $1,200 from two hospitals, and three other medical institutions. I have made payment arrangements with all but one of these organizations, but the $1200 is the total I owe.
My medical insurance requires a quarterly premium of $1,228, and I have a $2,000 deductible.
I also have my basic expenses: mortgage (live in a condo), association fee, electric, phone, etc.
Christmas? Are you kidding?

I have been unemployed for a full two years. I have had no income for 18 months.
SSA did stop sending me statements, but will only do that for six months and then start again even though they have been informed there is no way in **** that I can pay them----anything. If I ignore the statements, my credit score will plummet (it is currently quite high because everything else is fine!)

anyone want to trade?
No I am not currently able to work. Best case scenario would be part time work in the spring. Best case. Would a part time job after 2/12 years out of work pay me enough to make a dent in all of this? Not likely.
Now you can laugh with me. I am not a pessimist. I think I know how to get out from under the majority of this if not all of it. And to be quite honest (pun intended) it is just as deceitful as the SSA claim against me. I have been told not to mess with SSA, but I can only take so much. Besides it is worthless for me to apply for disability---they will just take the $7,200 out of the disability!
Stress? Me? You have to be kidding.

This is how I "modified" a recent National Public Radio "headline:"
"Bush lays out plan to help Lawn Mowers"
Sorry, but it is funny. http://www.coping-with-epilepsy.com/...s/rotflmbo.gif

Renee 97

[angel]

funny ... just Friday i found out we cant pay our mortgage lease option to buy which is 1,500... we gave him 5,000 + 3,500 to move in... haven't worked for 8 months and hubby is self employed we have two car payments about 560 for one and 750. for the other... omip says i owe them 500. for medication over payment not counting all the other medical bills.... we were trying to buy this house from husbands brother... we asked him about the 5,000 he used it to i guess pay back house payments.... he says we have to move January out by the 5th... we haven't a dime .... three kids two dogs and no money ...... i applied for disability and ssi ..... I bet i dont get it im strong minded even when im in pain from my movement disorder.... and they sent papers for someone to fill out who has seen my seizures well..... most people cant even tell when ive had one because ive hidden it for so long and the med's are helping now they just make me really sleepy my kidneys the septra is helping until they can remove the stones bladder and kidney"stones"....... i had a mini break down yesterday im fine today" called my prayer warrior sister her and i pray together and things start to happen" we are strong WE have to be all of us...... anyways, I can feel yeah renee.... i told our kids that this year is going to be about enjoying our familys.... the school helps us buy the little ones winter clothes and ive added them to the christmas gifts for kids ..... im praying that i can figure this one out asap.... which i will.... ive had to learn to be a fighter over the years.... so im not going to freak out again im just going to find a house in town someone may work with us....

I have family if we need them not for help with money but if it comes down to it the kids and i will move in with one of them... IF WE have too... its our last option...

hugs to you hope things get better for you ....

Life is like a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, but always an adventure! ...

[renee97]

You are blessed. you have family. You have more responsibilities than I, for certain, but you also have more connections. Both my parents are deceased and my only sibling is very indifferent to my existence. I have several (I would like to say many, but I don't know that many people) friends at my church. Some of them can be very helpful with errands, rides and small things. I am staying optimistic. I don't know exactly what I will do, but I know I will do something.

[angel]

You are blessed. you have family. You have more responsibilities than I, for certain, but you also have more connections. Both my parents are deceased and my only sibling is very indifferent to my existence. I have several (I would like to say many, but I don't know that many people) friends at my church. Some of them can be very helpful with errands, rides and small things. I am staying optimistic. I don't know exactly what I will do, but I know I will do something.

wont ssi make payment arrangements with you? you are right its way harder when you have no family ...... I may seem harsh from my above post im not trying to be I left home at 15... my sisters at 16 and 17..... my children are what keep me going.... ill work two jobs to support them if i have to.... theyre being taken care of clothes food nice place to live healthy environment more important to me than anything on this earth....THATS what keeps me going and moving forward....

i hope things get better for you soon..

love hugs
angel

[renee97]

The point with SSA is that I did make payments to them for over a year after I had no income. I finally had to tell them that keeping food on my table and roof over my head were more important then feeding their arrogant policies (not in those words of course. Truth is I really do not owe them these funds).
The only thing that keeps me going is my music.I once joked that I have hot and cold running music in my blood vessels / music vessels. I will admit that my first posting does sound harsh. I do feel somewhat "caged" in my apartment as I have few places to go, few ways of getting anywhere, and few friends to help out.
Blessings to you angel
{{{{{{{{{angel}}}}}}}}}

[angel]

Renee,

your post didnt sound harsh to me I was speaking of my post it may have sounded non understanding and harsh..... I do understand.... the Flustration of it all.....

((((((((Blessings to you also!)))))))))))

hugs

angel

[renee97]

Hi,
Well despite the Lamictal, Keppra and Phenytoin (ugh), I am feeling better. For me it is mind over matter and that "matter" includes the drugs. I finally had a small piece of good news today. It is not like a miracle, but at least it will get me through the winter and it is $$$ news. When I say "get me through" I mean both emotionally and financially.
renee

[angel]

Hi,
Well despite the Lamictal, Keppra and Phenytoin (ugh), I am feeling better. For me it is mind over matter and that "matter" includes the drugs. I finally had a small piece of good news today. It is not like a miracle, but at least it will get me through the winter and it is $$$ news. When I say "get me through" I mean both emotionally and financially.
renee

Awesome Renee,

Im so happy for you! yes, it is mind over matter!!

Ive been the strong one in the house because I dont want the kids to worry about money or anything trying to keep hubby from stressing.....

my mother took me out today lol I was having crying spell after kids were at school and hubby was sleeping called my mom she and i had a nice day just needed to get out of this house and i already feel better!

[RobinN]

Glad to hear that it was a good day for you both. It was in our part of the world too.

[Bernard]

That's great to hear Renee. I hope it's just the tip of the iceberg for you.

[Birdbomb]

[renee97]

OK, it's not a miracle cure, and I am not going to become rich or anything. It is just a "strong temporary fix."
Now if I could just get the MN State Arts Board Grant that I applied for back in September for 3500.00 for one composition, a member of the MN Orchestra to come up with a little funding for me to write something for her, and a composers fellowship next May, then we would be talking miracles!
Reminds me: Bernard, that is a very attractive new photo you have been using! Was that taken when you were on one of your summer vacations?
Renee

[Bernard]

Reminds me: Bernard, that is a very attractive new photo you have been using! Was that taken when you were on one of your summer vacations?

He's mister green Christmas, he's mister sun...

[renee97]

I gave serious consideration to starting a new thread, but I don't want to look like a total B----.
"Another reason to hate drugs (and / or doctors)"
November 29th I called a cab at 7:40 to get me to an 8:30 AM appointment. Guess what time the cab showed up? Try 8:25. I was only 15-18 minutes late. Although I was able to talk with A Neurologist, it was not the person I had the appointment with. In those few brief moments I mentioned both my serious financial problem and that I felt like a ping pong ball being bounced around between different Neurologists.
Another appointment was made for me for today. I showed up early after asking a friend for a ride. Thankfully she had much of the day to help out. I show up at 10:35 for a 10:50 appointment. At 12: Noon I saw the doctor. His first words were something like: "What do YOU want (to have happen)?"
I wanted to say "Fifty thousand dollars?"
Yes, I did forget to print out and take with me a list of thing I had on my computer in a file--mea culpa. But most of what was in the file was also in my head. How can one not memorize side effect after side effect?
And I am still trying to process this: "L---, when you take Dilantin you have to take calcium supplements."
So why is it that when I take / drink extra calcium (not as a supplement, but as part of another regimen), my complex partial nighttime "auras / seizures" are more intense?

Now I will be tapering off the expletive Dilantin, and the drug I will be taking the largest dosage of will be Keppra. Wonderful. Now I can expect to lose my temper more often (which has already been happening in public!) I expressed to the MD this morning that I really would rather have seizures than to continue these drugs.

[speber]

Maybe a dumb question, but due to my own bs....my epileptologist prescribed Lexapro recently to even out my moods which was in turn supposed to help the stress.

Lexapro is an anti-depressant.....have they thrown one of those at you yet? For me, I haven't noticed any side effects yet.


Good Luck

PS. Keep composing!

[renee97]

1) I have been taking Zoloft or it's generic since 1993. yes, you read that right -1993. I was pre-Lisa. I had been treated for depression since 1982.
2) Becoming Lisa and leaving Missouri I thought would drastically reduce the need for any friggin anti-depressant. Turns out the world did not see it that way. Yea, one shrink here tried to get me on a different anti-depressant, but I did not like it, and one day I did the unthinkable---I took no anti-depressant for over 24 hours. No big deal.
3) I was (literally) screaming about having to pay for my own Lamictal in June when my Cobra insurance expired, when I learned that the nurse for my shrink would give me samples. Huh? Why do they have samples of Lamictal there? "It's a mood stabilizer."
It never did anything for my mood except get me upset about the price.

At this point in time, I feel the options are becoming fewer and my stress is becoming greater. I do not want or feel the need for more ******* anti-depressants especially after taking them for 14 years. While I would prefer to not have more seizures, I would be willing to stop taking everything to get this crap out of my system and start taking something else. Something that would not encourage anger (Keppra) as I am that way normally, (former male), something that would not leave me weak and fatigued (Keppra), something that would not screw with my estrogen, sertraline, and calcium (Dilantin), and something that does not cost my right arm and left leg (Lamictal).

I actually had seven hours sleep last night, but I doubt I will be seeing that again for several nights. Way to ****** *** for my own good.

[speber]

Like I said...it was probably a dumb question in the first place.


I hope you find the solution soon.....

[renee97]

No, it was not a dumb question. As some "kinder" folks say: there are no dumb questions.

I had no idea how I was going to " bring myself down" to an emotion that would permit sleep tonight. Opened up a file of a set of short stories I started in September. This is the set that is totally autobiographical. Every event is factual, lots of things around the events are made up. But I had left the story in the middle of an event. I was about to relate the time where a young female co-worker asked me to teach her basic music theory so she could write her own songs. I said yes, but we would have to do this at my place.I was still going to work as 'him,' but she knew I was not a him. She came to my place one night, drove up, looked up at Lisa and smiled (first time I ever saw her smile) and said "You look much better as a woman."
Yes, that is what she said!

So I managed to make myself feel better tonight after all.
Renee

[speber]

...the power of positive\good thought.

[renee97]

...and the highest high of all without drugs?....
We really did get together. I was 46, she was about 24-25, and she came over and we talked about music. I have no idea how long we talked but it was a long time. The next day I was not working, I called her at work to ask if she wanted to meet again. Before I could get a word out.........."L---, I not only learned something last night, I retained it."

WTF can't I "do this again?"

LR