Why wedding dresses are white (joke) Battle between MEN -vs.- WOMEN

[Meetz1064]

Where do you come up with these things?

I LOVE 'EM!!!!!!!!!!!

I think #11 is the funniest though......

[speber]

...Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you...

Glad we can help.

...Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are....

It's really because we get the cold shoulder from women all the time and everyone knows what bananas do in the refrigrator!

...Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them....

The question you should be asking yourselves is "why mess with perfection?"

.... Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why...

Women always were indecisive....not sure why. <---you can quote me

...Men are like ..Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips....

Gotta start somewhere.

...Men are like ..... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say....

We're all liars...trust me.

...Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
...

I like to think of myself as more of a '1/2 on' kind of guy....what about the rest of you guys?

...Men are like .......Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature....

It ain't broke, don't fix it we always say. Got us through childhood okay.

...Men are like .....Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion....

'eMotion'?.....that sounds like online weird stuff there. Hide the kids.

...Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
...

We don't beat around the bush. We have a job to do and it's 'git-r-dun'.

...Men are like Snowstorms .. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last...

We prefer to think of it as providing a quality 'mystery' for the ladies(giggle).

...Men are like .. Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright...

Some women need cataract surgery soon.

...Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

The great ones are handicapped, the rest are contemplating how they can become part of the handicapped elite............women park in handicapped spaces ALL the time because it makes them feel daring and naughty!

[Birdbomb]

Rules For Men

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

[speber]

....I saw a Johnsonville Brat commercial and got distracted.....sorry.

[Zoe]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.. so she took them home and ate them herself.

Some men never learn

[TeeTees]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.. so she took them home and ate them herself.

Some men never learn

^^ good joke Zoe, but you forgot one thing : the Captain flying the plane is ALWAYS a man !....why ?.....because HE'll never get lost

[alivenwell]

Zoe, we have our first victim of denial of a sense of direction....proof right here!

And, did you know a MAN invented GPS still heavily in use today?

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Who_invented_the_gps_system

[speber]

...the GPS is yet another labor-saving device.

Ain't no thang.

[Bernard]

Lothar: [ to the audience ] I am Lothar of the Hill People! Much have I have seen, and much have I done, for I am Lothar of the Hill People! [ sits next to Tyler and Faldor ] Faldor, Tyler, of what do speak?

Tyler: We speak of many things! The hunt! Fire! The weakness of women!

Lothar: Do not tell me that women are weak! For today, my woman has cast me out of the hut!

Faldor: Mine, as well!

Tyler: My woman, also! She behaves as if I am unimportant!

Lothar: Yes! I am Chieftan of all the Hill People! But in my own hut, I am deemed no better than foul humors discharged from the body!

Faldor: Ah, yes. I, too, have worn the brown helmet. It vexes me!

Lothar: You know, I will do battle with my woman, and lose. I will do battle with my woman, and win.. and yet, I still lose! And I am supposed to feel great sorrow for her! I swear, by Zeena's teats, if I had her advantage on the field of war, I would be a god.

Faldor: To this, I can relate. At dawn, I leave the hut; my woman is happy in her toil. When I return from my daily gathering, I am tired and hungry; there is no food or fire, because she has dragged out her ceremonial betroval skins and spent the day weeping because they do not fit. And somehow all this is my fault! I tell you, that ties a knot in my pelt! And now, her family has come to comfort her. They have been with us since Nordis blew his icy breath. And, I tell you, if her brother is not out of my hut by piping time, there will be a clubbing!

Lothar: My woman's family dwelled among us for some time. My woman would not walk with me while they were in our hut. She felt her matriarch would not approve of her walking with a man. I told her that her mother must have walked freely with somebody at sometime, or she would not be here for this conversation. My point was futile. It was like trying to tell the people not to eat monkey heads!

Tyler: Ah. There are days that I am so troubled, that I swear I will never walk with a woman again! And keep only the company of men!

Faldor: I have a brother who made that pledge.

Tyler: Oh, do not be misled.. the urge to walk with women is still there, there has never been any question of that! But my woman is so unpredictable! After the last great hunt, I stopped by the council fire and the feast!

Lothar: Ah, I know it well - it was a good feast, albeit a formal one.

Tyler: I drank many flagens of mead, as is my custom, and invited my fellow warriors to the hut for a game of sticks and rocks. I sent my woman ahead to prepare for us, but when I arrived, I found my personal collection of sacred relics and amulets scattered outside the hut, as if thrown with great force! Above the door is the Talisman of Gleadley, signifying death to all who cross it! Since then, I have been in the company of men!

Lothar: I have seen woman behave like this - they frighten cattle!

Faldor: What gives women such power? We are the warriors! We are the chieftans!

Lothar: Yes! Who smoked the Tree People when they attacked with a force three times greater than our own - women?

Tyler & Faldor: No!! Men!!

Tyler: And who was it that redirected the River Zoro, so the harvest would be more bountiful!

All: Men!!

Faldor: And who is it that can write their name in the snow without using their hand! Men!

[ Lothar are Tyler stare at Faldor ]

Lothar: Well.. that is a lesser point.. But you are a man, and we will overlook it!

Tyler: Yes! Slacks shall be cut for you, my friend!

Lothar: And who is better at creating a social and domestic order - one in which we can all create, and be at our best? [ pause ] Again, that is a bad example. Let us sing a song to help us forget about women!

Tyler: Yes!

Lothar: Yes! Let us sing "The Man Song"! You know the tune!

[ they stand ]

All: [ singing ]
"Men, men, men, men
Men are better than women!
Men are stronger
Men are better
Men are better than women!"

[ they laugh ]

Tyler: I am filled with camaraderie!

Faldor: Let us sing another verse!

Tyler: Yes!

Woman's Voice: Lothar? Lo-thar!

Lothar: Uh.. [ speaks to the audience ] I can tell by the position of the sun in the sky, that is time for us to go. Until next time, I am Lothar of the Hill People!

[alivenwell]

How much did you pay Stacy to write that stuff?

[Birdbomb]

How much did you pay Stacy to write that stuff?

/laughs hysterically



Only a man would think it a great accomplishment to write their name in the snow without using their hand!

[Zoe]

A man wakes up one morning to find his wife is not in bed nor at home.
About noon she comes in and says she spent the night with a friend.
He calls her ten best friends to check it out each says she knows nothing about it.

A woman wakes up one morning and discovers her husband is not in their bed nor at home. He comes home in the late morning and says he spent the night with a friend. She calls ten of his best friend to check what he said. Eight claim to be the one he stayed with. Two say he spent the night at their house and is still there.

[alivenwell]

Was his name Faldor and was there snow outside?

[ultramarathonwoman]

Reasons why men are the same as computers:

1. The speak in a code only understandable between themselves.
2. They are supposed to help solve problems, but most of the time they end up being the problem.
3. They can only present themsleves in one format.
4. After getting one you realize that if you have waited another six months you could have had a better model.

who said that feminism was dead! x

[speber]

[TeeTees]

Zoe, we have our first victim of denial of a sense of direction....proof right here!

And, did you know a MAN invented GPS still heavily in use today?

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Who_invented_the_gps_system

See, we do think of things to help the laaaaydees. That's why you should treat us good and cook more

[TeeTees]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that woman
knows I'm smarter than her.

[Birdbomb]

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.



Top 10 Things Men Know About Women
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[speber]

Two pints up bro'........Birdy's tryin' to keep her cool, but she's REALLY fumblin' for a good comeback!

[Birdbomb]

Really?

Considering the intellectual level of someone who's idea of manhood consists of writting their name in the snow without using their hands to be the highlight of their gender, isn't high on my conversation agenda. But never fear! I'll wait until I'm post-ictal so I can compete with that particular level!



PS Don't eat yellow snow!

Now shag yore kester up to the store and buy me some chocolate ice cream!
When you get back, the kitcken needs painting.