Why wedding dresses are white (joke) Battle between MEN -vs.- WOMEN

[brain]

Looks like Buck's wife is on the Woman's side!

[Meetz1064]

are you NEVER going to learn?? LOL

[seizures4ever]

are you NEVER going to learn??

Meetz,

But let's remember, there are those slow to learn...some who never learn...and then there are WOMEN (who are born knowing it all)

If any man wants to challenge my statement, simply ask a woman, she'll set you straight.

-Julie

[stilldancing_98]

The guys are just to old to learn anymore.

[alivenwell]

I've never heard of 'shreddies', but maybe they're new to the marketing world. We should look for those companies that make 'em and invest in them. It could be really profitable enough to pay for our LEGAL drugs.

Although the word 'shreddies' implies they already had a good 'rip'. They need good quality control testing. Get those foods associated with flatulence: brats, beans, sauerkraut, beer, ..... and leave the room. Come back in a few hours after the air clears and see if they're still intact.

[Shelley]

With some of the men I know, I wish shreddies were available in Texas.

[brain]

The guys are just to old to learn anymore.

I thought the quote was

You can't teach an old dog new tricks

Oh wait ... I'm blonde, I just now realized
who the old dog was ...

[alivenwell]

I wonder if shredies can suppress the noise? Some people can 'play' a little song. Maybe shreddies can be a mute for a little more musical expression.

[Birdbomb]

The Stink in Farts Controls Blood Pressure


Oh Lawdy Lawdy!!

[alivenwell]

I read that...It's a good thing they were only experimenting with small mice.

[alivenwell]

Women's Bumper Stickers

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,
SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?


I'm only putting this one on 'cause it's about some famous guy (who probably also farted):

Pillsbury Dough Boy



It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please
join me in remembering a great icon.

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71.
Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Dough boy as a man who
never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show
business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even
still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for
millions. Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again,
but alas, he was no tart.

Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at
3:50 for about twenty minutes.

[alivenwell]

This looks like a good set of rules:

Rules for men for dealing with women

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed .................................................. .................................................. .......................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........................................... ..................... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............................................ .......................................-1
You leave the toilet seat up................................................ .................................................. ..............-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............................................. ................................... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........................................... .......................-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.......................................... .............................-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings............................................. .......................+5
in the snow.............................................. .................................................. .......................................+8
but return with beer.............................................. .................................................. ...........................-5
and no liners............................................ .................................................. ......................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night............................................. .............................................. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing........................................... .................................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something......................................... .................................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.............................................. .................................................. ...........+10
It's her cat............................................... .................................................. .......................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party............................................. .................................................. ..... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy................................-2
Named Tiffany........................................... .................................................. ......................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer............................................ .................................................. ...............................-10
With breast implants.......................................... .................................................. ..............................-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.......................................... .................................................. ......................0
You buy a card and flowers........................................... .................................................. .....................0
You take her out to dinner............................................ .................................................. ..................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar............................................... ...............................+1
Okay, it is a sports bar............................................... .................................................. .......................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night............................................. .................................................. ................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, & your face is painted the colors of your favorite team........-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal............................................... .................................................. ......................................0
The pal is happily married........................................... .................................................. .....................+1
The pal is single............................................ .................................................. ....................................-7
He drives a Ferrari........................................... .................................................. ..............................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)............................................. ....................................-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie............................................. .................................................. .....................+2
You take her to a movie she likes............................................. .................................................. .......+4
You take her to a movie you hate.............................................. .................................................. ......+6
You take her to a movie you like.............................................. .................................................. .......-2
It's called Death Cop 3................................................. .................................................. ..................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans............................................ ................................................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........................................... .............................-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly............................................. .................................................. ...-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it................................................ ...........+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts....................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."............................................. ..................................-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding........................................ .................................................. .....................-10
You reply, "Where?".......................................... .................................................. ............................-35
You reply, "no, I think it's your butt"............................................. ..................................................-100
Any other response.......................................... .................................................. ..............................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression........................................ ..............................................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes........................................... .................................................. ..............+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........................................ ..........................+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what do you think I should do"............................................... .................................................. ................................................-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV................................................ .......+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............................................ ...............................-200

[alivenwell]

Here's another good one:

The Perfect Husband


A successful businessman, we'll call him Clifford, was among several men
in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly, a cell
phone that was on one of the benches rang. Clifford picked it up and the
following conversation ensued:


"Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are.
I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models.
I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really
good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last
year..."

"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account... and I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we looked
at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English, Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000 ... a magnificent price, and I
see that we have
that much in the bank to cover ..." "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but
just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye ... I do
too ..."


Clifford hung up, closed the phone's flap, raised his hand while holding
the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[alivenwell]

Differences between men and women:

Difference between men & women



Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good
time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither
one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs
to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize
that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe
he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space,
so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the
way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it wa! s . . . let's see
February when we started going out, which was right after I had
the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even
before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it.
That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's
afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like
a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.


And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help
the way I feel. I'm just not sure.


And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting
right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it ...

'Roger," Elaine says aloud.

'What?" says Roger, startled.

'Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have said...! . . Oh
God, I feel so .... . "(She breaks down, sobbing.)

'What?" says Roger.

'I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."

'There's no horse?" says Roger.

'You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger. He's glad to finally know the correct answer.

'It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,"
Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks might work.)

'Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you
really feel that way?" she says.

'What way?" says Roger.

'That way about time," says Elaine.

'Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

'Thank you, Roger," she says.

'Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his
place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he
never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that
something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them,and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said,! going
over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with
it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing squash one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

'Bill, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

[alivenwell]

And, here's a good one for the closeness of a dad and his son:

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

Here is the letter the son received back :-)


Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

[stilldancing_98]

I still don't get guys.

[brain]

Somethings are just better said as its been
posted on the 'net!

Why Women Are Better Than Men:

• We don’t have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
  
• Our friends don’t pick on us if we aren’t sleeping with anyone
  
• Men don’t know what our ‘girl talk’ is all about (and I’m not gonna tell you)
  
• We’re all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage
  
• We don’t have to drive when on a date 86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just messed up!
  
• Women can use the old “that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn” line
  
• Women know how fake it
  
• When women are short, we’re petite, when men are short, they’re just short
  
• Women do less time for violent crime
  
• Women don’t have to worry about not being able to get it up
  
• Women’s conversations generally consist of more than just “uh huh, yep ok then bye”
  
• Women don’t need an excuse to be in a bad mood
  
• Women never have to see combat, women win anyway
  
• The remote control is not an extension of our womenhood
  
• Women are sexier

[stilldancing_98]

I love it! I love it ! I love it! As much dating as I have done after my divorce. I can't stand it. Brain, look how smart and sexy we are. And doofy men , well they try. Well I think I might just have to take a little break. But just a little one. he he

[Cinnabar]

"Women"...Did it ever cross our minds that there's a reason for the spelling of it?
"Wo men"? We, "Wo" become before the "men." And whoever created that was brilliant!

Oh! How bout this... "Manhood". A man needs a "hood" befoe leaving the house because he's a coward.

"Womanhood" She uses a hood to be mysterious.

The 'he/she" short cut was created by a man who had dyslexia.

[stilldancing_98]

lol I need the woman hood so I have a place to relax after I see the man in his hood who is bein the coward. lol