Zen Teachings

[jgbmartin]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.


2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.


3. No one is listening until you fart.


4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.


5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.


11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.


13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.


14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.


15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.


20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[stilldancing_98]

Dont worry, it only seems kinky the first time. lOL

[trelane]

none of this is particularly zen, but for your effort, please enjoy the sound of one hand clapping.

[Meetz1064]

[ashmstng]

I like those. That was cute. Very funny!

[Shelley]

twist on Zen koans. I like. Besides. I doubt that Buddhism is stuffy. It may have a humorous streak, just to get you to think linearly. (outside the box, as we always coop ourselves up in our selves and our misery.)

[angel]

cute haha

[BuckeyeFan]

#13 is the best.

[angel]

After Life

Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 10:44:24 -0500

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary....

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.



Moments of Zen



The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

[Cint]

LOL!!

[stilldancing_98]

That was Great! Made me LOL