Burnt Bridges, etc.

[RonGuidry49]

I was reading the "Munchausen Faking Illness By Internet" thread. I had a nagging doubt about my own "general hypochondria" till 2004. Everyone around me thought I was faking something, and as bad as I felt for no reason sometimes, I wondered too. Part of what's going on with me right now, is that I'm putting a lot of pieces together. My story is almost unbelievable, but true, and my obsessive nature won't allow me to sleep after reading half of that locked post - which I can see, might as well stay that way. It would be torture for me not to write this, because I can't sleep now. People have been telling me I've been faking most of my life. Now I see it pop up as a thread, and I get flushed. I'm obsessed.

This is one part of an odd tale: I'm pretty sure I was 9, in 3rd grade. It was after-school sports, and we were playing kick-ball. the gym teacher had set up 2nd base by the wall. She told us not to slide, I did anyway - I was nine! (She has since become principal, married and retired to somewhere in Hawaii in 2005 - a year after I found out I had e. - Thank you computer tech.) The only picture I found of her was at the beach with sunglasses on, and a new last name. But I knew that face, almost 30 years later, and her first name is "Doreen", so there can't be many of them. Good enough. She's always a phone call away, if I ever need to give her a piece of my mind. What good will yelling at a woman do for me? And it's not like I can sue anybody. Believe it, or not! This post is part of how I let go.

So, anyway, I slid into 2nd bass and smashed my right temple into the wall, and it made a huge "Boom!" The next thing I remember, is wandering around the sidewalks at night in the rain hailing a cab. They hadn't told my mom how bad I was hurt, or she would have picked me up. She stayed up with me all night, and wouldn't let me sleep because she knew I had hit my head. The following summer is when the partial seizures started. I don't know why my parents never looked into it, but I had lost a lot of weight at summer camp, and they thought it was a food issue. I had a number daytime partials over the following 27 years, and hundreds at night (that's another post).

I never had a lot of headaches back then, but sudden attacks of nausea, and fainting spells. Also, among other things, I look back at all the times where I just flipped out on people, or have been intensely depressed for long periods, then sudden mania. That these incidents may be epilepsy related/enhanced doesn't change the fact that I have burnt so many bridges, but I also look back and realize that I did pretty good overall considering things. I'm trying to make amends where I can, but it's hard to say, "I acted like that, because of a neurological condition." Another difficult aspect, is that I rightly trust casual friends, or even some people I'm not that wild about who have actually seen me in the throws, more than some of my oldest and closest friends or family, whom have not. -Thanks, Craig

[Bernard]

There is a lot of ignorance about epilepsy and the different types of seizures. Many members here have grown up living with people who didn't understand, didn't believe or were otherwise unsupportive during bad times. You are definitely not unique in that aspect.

Did you ever get evaluated for a TBI after that wall crash?

[RonGuidry49]

There is a lot of ignorance about epilepsy and the different types of seizures. Many members here have grown up living with people who didn't understand, didn't believe or were otherwise unsupportive during bad times. You are definitely not unique in that aspect.

Did you ever get evaluated for a TBI after that wall crash?

I was not evaluated for brain injury, other than being told I probably had a concussion. I had a lump, and we iced it all night. I know my post was too off the wall, but obsession takes a real physical toll now. I see others around me who have it just as bad and some worse. That said, I've had little food or sleep. I'm due for 400mg Lamictal at noon, so I'll knock back 200 now and go to sleep. This must stop, but it just doesn't.

[RonGuidry49]

There is a lot of ignorance about epilepsy and the different types of seizures. Many members here have grown up living with people who didn't understand, didn't believe or were otherwise unsupportive during bad times. You are definitely not unique in that aspect.

Did you ever get evaluated for a TBI after that wall crash?

4 and 1/2 hrs later. Awake and better. Long manic night.

[Birdbomb]

Have you tried Melitonin to help regulate your sleep? One other thing, besides being evaluated for a TBI, you may want to see if you also fall under the category of bi-polar. High mood swings such as you describe wouldn't surprise me.
Living with vague symptoms and not having any doctor be concerned is something I am very close to myself. All my aches and pains for over 40 years were dismissed as,

• all in my head
• because I am fat
• I am a woman
  
• because I am fat
• probably arthritis
• because I am fat
• because of depression
• because I am fat
• just live with it
• because I am fat
• all the above
  

It was discovered 6/7 years ago, that not only do I have osteoarthritis, but severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia that I've had them MOST OF MY LIFE! Hmmm! I wasn't faking and it wasnt because I am fat, depressed, a woman, faking. Imagine! Had it been treated early, I would not be in the medical mess I am in now.

I knew something was not right, but didn't have the right doctor listening. Some were real hacks and horse doctors. And I have had some excellent ones, they just interpreted the symptoms differently.

[RonGuidry49]

Have you tried Melitonin to help regulate your sleep? One other thing, besides being evaluated for a TBI, you may want to see if you also fall under the category of bi-polar. High mood swings such as you describe wouldn't surprise me.
Living with vague symptoms and not having any doctor be concerned is something I am very close to myself. All my aches and pains for over 40 years were dismissed as,

• all in my head
• because I am fat
• I am a woman
  
• because I am fat
• probably arthritis
• because I am fat
• because of depression
• because I am fat
• just live with it
• because I am fat
• all the above
  

It was discovered 6/7 years ago, that not only do I have osteoarthritis, but severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia that I've had them MOST OF MY LIFE! Hmmm! I wasn't faking and it wasnt because I am fat, depressed, a woman, faking. Imagine! Had it been treated early, I would not be in the medical mess I am in now.

I knew something was not right, but didn't have the right doctor listening. Some were real hacks and horse doctors. And I have had some excellent ones, they just interpreted the symptoms differently.

Owwwwwwwwww..........that's way up there. And Ha! Thank you very much, I needed a good laugh. We did try melitonin when I had real sleep issues when I was 15. I recall it making me dopy, but not helping me sleep - I should try it now, right? The only thing that works for me is 10 mg valium. No more than 30 mg a week/on and off. The mania is the worst.

[occb]

Woo friends, partner's life sounds very similar to yours. Dismissive things told him by doctors:

• It's all in your head
• You're crazy
• I have no reason to believe a young man should actually have a health problem
• You are on drugs
• You're a liar
• Deal with it
• It's all in your head

Most of those stem from his current GP, although some are recurring themes. Even after it was proven that he was neither lying nor crazy, the doctor has chosen the "deal with it tack". Very helpful.

His family, on the other hand, just chooses to believe he's lazy. And a liar.

[seizingbeauty]

Soooo been there done that got the T-shirt and the bumper sticker!
Even now I second guess myself, am I being a hypochondriack or paranoid? Is it the meds or just me, everyone else deals with these day to day issues without freaking why can't I etc...
This place helps alot in dealing with the "its not all in your head" issue! Now I have some really intellegent questions to ask my Dr. and hopefully he will really listen to what I have to say and give me honest answers.

[Birdbomb]

Some of us know our own bodies quite well. In fact when I need an IV or blood work done, the hemo-dude better take notes. I know what veins work and how deep the needle must go. But then I get those know-it-alls who ignore every word I say and end up being stuck 6 or 7 times, in both hands and arms with blown veins. That's when they have to get someone from ICU to do the job. The new person will listen and do just as I say with NO problems.

Some just like the easy way, some live in another world all their own, and then there are the few who are willing to accept any challenge.

When I can't get to sleep, I play a very repetitive puzzle
game that makes me nod off. Works pretty good. I liked it so much I bought it. It helps with my stress too.
http://www.games.com/game/brickshooter-egypt/

[RonGuidry49]

Woo friends, partner's life sounds very similar to yours. Dismissive things told him by doctors:

• It's all in your head
• You're crazy
• I have no reason to believe a young man should actually have a health problem
• You are on drugs
• You're a liar
• Deal with it
• It's all in your head

Most of those stem from his current GP, although some are recurring themes. Even after it was proven that he was neither lying nor crazy, the doctor has chosen the "deal with it tack". Very helpful.

His family, on the other hand, just chooses to believe he's lazy. And a liar.

The doctors believe me now! When I was younger, my doctors and parents simply attributed my symptoms to other conditions - especially genetic ear problems that cause balance issues. Don't worry, the E.E.G.s say otherwise. Thank goodness my mom believes me, and she hasn't seen a grand-mal. It's rare when someone who has not seen me bloody believes me.
I walked out on a family argument last year, because I didn't want to seize right there. It was like, this can be all about me, or this can really be all about me. Now everything is kind of messed up, and maybe unfixable. I'm at a point where it's hard enough to go get groceries, let alone more drama. There are almost no stable people in my life - almost no people anymore. I would even change my health proxy if I felt sure about anybody, including family.
There was a story up here the other day that makes mine look like a walk in the park. This person's average day is a pretty bad day for me. they have more guts than I will ever have. At the same time, I'm starting to catch myself making the weird dumb fists I always make where my thumb sticks out in the middle between the ring and middle finger, instead of along the knuckles. Bad sign, but I know for a fact that it won't happen today!! I don't have the fear in me, or the deja-vu, or the smells, etc.

[occb]

Ron, you have to think about what's best for you, because nobody else will (with rare exceptions). If family drama is too much, see if you can find a way to lessen your exposure to it that works for you. If you need someone reliable in your life who undertsands, maybe see if there is an epilepsy society near with support groups and support people. We've been to ours, and it was such an accepting environment that we both left feeling better, more stable and more secure, although nothing concrete has changed yet.

I have learned in life that nothing is unfixable, just that the fix isn't always to your liking.

[RonGuidry49]

Some of us know our own bodies quite well. In fact when I need an IV or blood work done, the hemo-dude better take notes. I know what veins work and how deep the needle must go. But then I get those know-it-alls who ignore every word I say and end up being stuck 6 or 7 times, in both hands and arms with blown veins. That's when they have to get someone from ICU to do the job. The new person will listen and do just as I say with NO problems.

Some just like the easy way, some live in another world all their own, and then there are the few who are willing to accept any challenge.

When I can't get to sleep, I play a very repetitive puzzle
game that makes me nod off. Works pretty good. I liked it so much I bought it. It helps with my stress too.
http://www.games.com/game/brickshooter-egypt/

Ditto with the I.V.s and blood work. Ditto. A good nurse can get me with a regular needle on the first try. I love the look of confusion in the eye of an incompetent, when they loosen the tourniaquette (again) and search for a yet another vein. Then I say "try the butterfly" and they get miffed. then they try the butterfly, and I fill the vial. Sorry for all the long responses, btw.
Chess is what gets me to sleep. I rediscovered it when I got a computer a few years ago, and it helps takes the edge off. I'm so bad, but I don't care. It's perfect for me.

[RonGuidry49]

Ron, you have to think about what's best for you, because nobody else will (with rare exceptions). If family drama is too much, see if you can find a way to lessen your exposure to it that works for you. If you need someone reliable in your life who undertsands, maybe see if there is an epilepsy society near with support groups and support people. We've been to ours, and it was such an accepting environment that we both left feeling better, more stable and more secure, although nothing concrete has changed yet.

I have learned in life that nothing is unfixable, just that the fix isn't always to your liking.

The last time I looked for an epilepsy society near where I live, it ended very badly - so badly I can't write about it. I found nobody with epilepsy. There are real ones out there, but I gave up after the one try. I just have to try again. -Craig

[occb]

The last time I looked for an epilepsy society near where I live, it ended very badly. I found nobody with epilepsy. There are real ones out there, but I gave up after the one try. I just have to try again. -Craig

Aw, that sucks rotten eggs. I know it can be dis-heartening when the first attempt is such an abominable mess. I hope there's another, legitimate organization you can turn to in your area. Failing that, there's always us.

[RonGuidry49]

Hope this finds all you folks well. Thanks for your advice and support, because it has helped me so much in the last week or two. - Long story short, My head's ok, just some twitching, and my chess game is up this particular time since the grand-mal. That's everything. However, I am getting fired, I just haven't been told yet. I'm actually receiving e-mail ads for gigs that I'm not on. It's an old trick to get me to quit, rather than firing me out-right.

The first sign that my bandleader thought I was faking came that night when I got home from the hospital. I wrote a funny, coherent comment on one of my older facebook threads. He must have seen that it came in while he was probably still at the club. He then did the passive-aggressive, and wrote "hope yer' ok" as a response to my post that he knew others would see. He practically outed me - and when I say "outed me", I mean, there are lot's of people in my life who I'd rather not know I have it. That might be the worst part of it. So now, with the notifications about the shows without me, the unreturned phone calls, and ambiguous e-mail responses, I'm disgusted.

I have decided to be cool about this, and just work on all the other stuff on my plate. The truth is, I have been through plenty worse, and as bandleaders go, he's treated me better than most. The guy's got a new record to promote, and he needs a reliable group of idiots. That being said, with practice at home, rehearsal, touring, and recording, I've figured it out to me working for less than minimum wage for 6 years. Still, show's gotta go on, so I will not freak out on him for being such a wuss. - I have not burned that bridge, and I won't. I've made too many valuable connections through this band to have it all washed away now. All that really matters, is that my head didn't get hurt this time. Thanks everybody. -Craig

[occb]

What is it with musicians and passive aggressive behaviour. They're ALL like that. My partner's been through this time and time again. Like you, he tries not to burn bridges, but there are times when we'd both like to freak out people.

[Nakamova]

I'm sorry Ron. It's no fun dealing with the passive-aggressive behavior. I'm glad you're being cool about it, but it might be a good idea to call out the bandleader and make him admit what's going on. Not confrontational, just "I know you'd like to replace me, and I can even understand why, but I'd prefer that you talk to me about it directly so we can clear the air."

[RonGuidry49]

I'm sorry Ron. It's no fun dealing with the passive-aggressive behavior. I'm glad you're being cool about it, but it might be a good idea to call out the bandleader and make him admit what's going on. Not confrontational, just "I know you'd like to replace me, and I can even understand why, but I'd prefer that you talk to me about it directly so we can clear the air."

You're right, Nakamova, and the longer I wait, the more it will fester. It's a hard thing to leave after six years, and a new record to tour with, but that would be better than missing another gig with the same band.......However, this is my first current reliese since 2003, and now I have to split before the summer. Here in lies the potential for a huge argument, and I don't have the stomach for it this time. I guess I need to find a good way to let him know how I feel so I don't become obsessed later though. Before, when I'd get mad, at least there'd be some relief. Yet, unless I almost don't care this time, I know I'll hit the deck. It's gotta be like.........Next! -PS - sorry, among other things - lot's of "I"s in my posts. -Craig

[Nakamova]

No need to apologize for the "I"s!

You have to pick and choose your battles, so if this isn't the time to have a stressful confrontation, that's a wise choice. Opportunities are not obligations.

[RonGuidry49]

What is it with musicians and passive aggressive behaviour. They're ALL like that. My partner's been through this time and time again. Like you, he tries not to burn bridges, but there are times when we'd both like to freak out people.

Good to hear that from somebody else......I can't even tell you. I figure your partner is probably a sideman like me. We tend not to get away with that kind of behavior, unlike bandleaders!