coping with extreem stress

[Cinnabar]

I'm dealing with extreem familial stress. I live in NY. My 91 year uncle (sharp as a tack and with whom I'm very close) is going through CAT Scan for abdominal trouble in FLA. My third (manipulative, control freak, boardering evil) cousin is there driving him to various appts. Great. But she is doing everything in her power to keep me away from his doctors and even my beloved uncle. Now, I don't have the means to travel down plus the friction between this relative and I would not do him any good. I'm doing my best to keep in contact w/drs, lawyer and uncle and cope with her double msg e-mails concerning his health. This has depleted my energy balancing all these balls in the air. Last night I had an incontenant (simple partial?) seizure and am afraid if I don't calm down a Grand Mal will be on it's way. Does anyone have any suggestions how to cope with this feeling being kept out of the loop? He's my only family and we've forged a very close relationship over the years. I'm trying to concentrate on my writing. Even reading a book challenges my focus, now. The last thing I want is another seizure due to obsessing over a matter I keep striving to fix. I'm getting those funny seizure feelings and need to keep in control for my own health. Thanks - Laurie

[Birdbomb]

Laurie, it sounds very much like what I went through with my parents. My older siblings were in charge of their health but kept vital info from me. The end result was most tragic. Both my parents died.

If you cannot be there to help and you have no control, it's the most helpless feeling. Beating yourself up won't do anyone any good.

The best you can hope for is to try to have a friendly relationship with the people who do have control. You can call your Uncle's doctors and voice your concerns, but unless you have Power of Attorney you really are without any say.

91 is a ripe old age. My grandfather lived to 96, he had 5 brothers who lived past 100! Long distance care of elderly loved ones sucks!




Find a place to have quite alone time.

Set out a bird feeder and sit and watch the birds.

Take a bubble bath. Light some fragrent candles and lay back and soak till your toes turn to prunes.

Work word/jigsaw puzzles

Walk thru a pet store and pet all the puppies

Start a garden

[Cinnabar]

Thanks Birdbomb - I should stay on the good side of those in control but I think I've screwed it up. I'm trying to get back into good graces. You know the saying "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer." I just have to let it go somehow. Your relaxing suggestions are good ones. Another thing - for the first time in 15 yrs I'm on no anti depressents. Wellbutrin no good. Cant tolerate SSRI's. It's difficult coping with a depressing situation while my brain is being rewired away from "happy time". Thanks for your feedback. The most important thing for me is to stay seizure free. I think I have to give myself a break or I'll have a breakdown...Laurie

[Birdbomb]

On my front porch, I have potted plants, and flowers ( most fake because this is, after all a desert, but a few live ones I can torture) There are hummingbird feeders, and seed feeders too and then there's my swing!

When things are flying at me and I need my space, I'll grab an iced tea or glass of wine and go sit on my porch. There I watch the birds and bugs and clouds and neighbors and when the sun sets, I watch the bats come out.

It's my space and sometimes, the kids will sit and watch too. Now my roses are blooming and it smells wonderful. It's calming. I really love my front porch.
Even wrote an essay about it in college!

Can you create a safe place like that for yourself? Away from phones, TV, people? If just for 20 minutes?

[brain]

Laurie,

I play games, do gardening, and there's plenty
of things around the house to get away from
it all. While there's times my Doctors do give
me orders not to do anything, so I play games
on my computer, read, sleep, try to relax. And
it can be hard here when there's so much here
in my house that needs to be done! It's hard for
me to back off and say "tomorrow" when I'm
"Mrs. Clean". *laughs*

I have a keyboard, I play it (even though I can't
hear anymore). Watch TV or a movie, or even go
out if you are able to, take a walk or ride your
bicycle. It's hard for me to do nothing, but I'm
learning myself to adapt to putting things off.
Even just being lazy for a bit can help.

I have a beach mat that I go outside in my back
yard and watch the birds, squirrels, and other
wildlife frolic around, and sometimes I'll feed them
crumbs of bread and watch them scamper about
and fight over the bread pieces out of amusement.

[alivenwell]

This is awful. Is it possible for you to send you uncle certified mail that requires his signature with any wishes or thoughts that you need to express to him? Again, the power of attorney stuff might overwrite this certified mail, but it's possible to time it just right so that when your cousin isn't there then you can see if he is truly getting your mail/messages.

That sounds evil, but it can also let your uncle know about the incredible resistence you have been encountering. You'll have to select the right words. Again, a simple card that expresses that you are thinking of him may suffice.

Sorry, I'm nasty when I encounter people who exclude me. They deserve all my wrath.

[stringbean]

I also do by best to escape such extreme stress when it hits me and it does alot.
I will do seach word or fill in word puzzles, I will go up in the bedroom and shut the door and either nap or watch a movie.

In the fall and spring I will sit outside on our stoop and just do my best to relax, I will concentrate on how it is in my two favorite seasons of the year. I also watch the clouds and look for shapes of things, like angels, pets and more.

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, my father and us kids also went through something familiar.

[Bernard]

My favorite escapes for dealing with extreme stress are taking a long bike ride and gardening (pulling weeds) in the sun.

[Cinnabar]

Birdbom - I have a very small porch but a wonderful cushy beach chair. The neighbor's large, very green back yard is within my view. When the weather gets a little warmer on goes my straw hat (I shun the sun on my face) I'll be in a good private space. On will go my IPOD to listen to classical music and read one of my many books. I have to get my life back! I'm sure my family giving me so many problems are not thinking of me all the time while I obsess! Thanks for the advice and the wonderful image of your surroundings!
Laurie

[wvueers]

Laurie, the bible says in Matthew 6: 33-35. But seek his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough worry of it's own. Like everyone has said, ,do something for yourself that you really like to do. I am so glad to see spring here, where you can get out of the house. We are all praying for you. Dave

[Cinnabar]

Thanks Dave - In fact I'm going to do some reading on my back porch today. I've always had a difficult time living in the moment but now is the moment to consider my heath - put yesterday to rest and let tomorrow be a surprise.

[alivenwell]

Sorry, I kind of went off like that. I did go for a 3 mile jog with my dog after writing that stuff.

I also find stress to be a major factor. I get a fresh perspective after a good evening workout.

My dog has a great perspective on life. Eat, drink, beg, take a walk, browse in the backyard, and sit on the lounge outdoors after the walk. And then get a few long naps in between in addition to a sound night's sleep.

One great public speaking course I had addressed stress. Basically, it is best to concentrate on the current moment. The past will never change. The future will take care of itself.

[Birdbomb]

[BuckeyeFan]

Music and Gardening were mentioned several times above. I agree with both!!!

Better yet is gardening with music playing in the background.

Me, I grow pumpkins, but growing anything will do. Herbs to enjoy in your cooking, fresh veggies, flowers (I have a 100 year old rose bush), peppers and tomatoes for homemade salsa. Point is you can grow in a big garden or in just a few pots on your porch. Nature can be very healing.

[paradise survivor]

Hey Laurie hope all is well with you and your uncle. Stress sucks. There is always going to be toxic people so I highly recommend making an appointment with your 'center'. I do gardening, yoga, or playing with my dogs. Practice breathing in a measured manner while listening to music. If all else fails then just tell the toxic one that your health is more important than their BS and walk away. When they are ready to be human and open minded then by all means you will be available until then sell crazy somewhere else, we are all full up here!

[alivenwell]

Hey Laurie hope all is well with you and your uncle. Stress sucks. There is always going to be toxic people so I highly recommend making an appointment with your 'center'. I do gardening, yoga, or playing with my dogs. Practice breathing in a measured manner while listening to music. If all else fails then just tell the toxic one that your health is more important than their BS and walk away. When they are ready to be human and open minded then by all means you will be available until then sell crazy somewhere else, we are all full up here!

Yeah. Pooh on toxic people. Dogs are great!

[1096]

hi. i didnt read above posts to see if there is a similar one (i doubt it, i'm not always as friendly) and this reply is probably testament. i havent checked dates either so it's probably overdue also but im gonna stick my nose in it anyway and tell you that tho u may be close to him, ur cousin really does have the right to act like that. he/she is closer by default.

no matter how close you are it doesn't make anything about him your business unless it directly involves you.

that is what i believe anyway.

after all, is it so hard to consider that he may have Specifically requested such privacy?

i understand it's stressful but you have to be less self involved about it.

-i also understand that with the lack of dimension to your story my response may be abrupt [snip].

[alivenwell]

Consider the facts: Your uncle is 91. That's really old until people start living much longer in the future. You're stressed. That's never too good for E. And, your cousin is not exactly an open minded person.

Do you honestly think your cousin keep in contact with you after your uncle dies? It does not sound like it will happen. Go with the flow, find other people like-minded, and do any stress-busters suggested here. You will feel better.

Your lifestyle change will help your overall health including your epilepsy. It's in your best interest. If your uncle loves you, this would also be his wish towards you as well.


Who knows? Your E may be so well controlled after a lifestyle change that you may be able to actually drive. I never thought I'd be able to drive across the country this past year. I would have laughed at that one. But, I took a two week vacation and got a fresh perspective. I drove from New York state down to Florida. I just had to follow the one interstate (really, really BAD sense of direction!!).