How do I get her to back off?

[KathyJJ]

How do I make sister 1 back off and give me some space? This sister is hard to describe but I've never met anyone like her. She lives alone and has no children. She is the type of person that couldn't make a decision if her life depended on it.

She asks me to go shopping with her once every week. I go but she is under foot just like a child. It doesn't matter where I go, she is right there beside me. For example, yesterday, I went into Best Buy and told her I was going back to the computer department. She doesn't even own a computer nor isn't the type that would ever learn one or have the desire to learn but she goes with me and stands right beside me watching every move I make. But, she doesn't understand any of this. Anything to do with electronics that she owns, she calls on me and that is just a tv set. When I was picking up software and reading about it, she was standing right beside me watching me again.

From there I went to the Pet store. She doesn't own a pet nor wants to own one but she went with me every step I took. I went to the cat food and cat litter department, she was right beside me just standing there doing nothing but watching me like a hawk. This goes on all day long without a break! I know you're thinking "stay at home". I would but I can't drive due to my seizures and she is the only chance I have of going shopping.

My daughters don't ask me nor does anyone else. I live out in the country where public transportation isn't available and my husband isn't a shopper. In other words, if I don't go with her, I'm stuck at home 24/7 except when my husband and I go out to eat and sometimes going with her is my only chance to get out. I can't ask my husband to drop me off anywhere while he goes to a store of his choice when we go out to eat because this area where we live has very little shopping choices to choose from and we can't afford to sell and move to another location.

Another example of how she "smothers" me is we met sister 2 yesterday for lunch and did a little shopping before lunch. Sister 2 told me if I wanted to go on to another store to go ahead, that she had to stop at another shop first. Well, the oldest sister stayed with her. I asked sister 2 today if she stayed underfoot with her every step she took while I was off by myself and she said, "No, she went on and looked at other stuff while I was looking around." In other words, they went their separate ways. Then she said, "I noticed that when we were walking down the mall to meet you, I had to almost run to keep up with her". I have told her many times, "If there's something you want to do while I'm doing this, go ahead. I'll meet you at ....." She comes back with "I'm fine. I'll go with you". This goes on all day every week.

How do I get her to back off and give me some space without hurting her feelings? I'm getting to the point where I would rather stay home than to have to put up with this every week! I have thought about that maybe she's "afraid" I'll have a seizure and she feels responsible but she couldn't do anything about it if I did. She is just a little more than 4 feet tall and doesn't weigh but about 90 lbs and I am 5' 6 1/2 inches and weigh a lot more than that so if I had a seizure and started to fall, she couldn't do a thing about it. But, with her unable to make a decision, she wouldn't do anything about it if she could. She couldn't even make the decision to tell them not to call the ambulance. That is how insecure she is.

I don't mean this to sound ugly it's just that she is hard to describe and other family members say the same thing about her. Sister 2 doesn't go all the time. I have thought about telling sister 1 "to just assume I'm not going unless she hears from me." and to tell her "I need a break. I know all the stores by heart and I'll just wait and go occasionally when sister 2 goes and maybe the stores will have something different to look at by then." Oh, by the way, sister 1 has the same routine every week she goes to the same stores, does nothing different! It gets so old with that and her following me around like a shadow! This sister couldn't carry on a conversation if her life depended on it either so that's why when sister 2 goes, I enjoy it because I have someone to talk to. Sister 1 just sits there and listens to us and never says a word.

As I said, she is hard to describe but how do I get her to back off and give me some space if and when I do go with her? I don't want to hurt her feelings. Does anyone have any suggestion and I apologize for this being such a long post but she is hard to describe and I wanted to do the best I can so you could get a better understanding of this situation. Thanks for your time!

[hawke86]

Tell your sister you need some space and time for yourself.

[Georgiagirl88]

Hey there!

I laughed when I read your post..not because I thought it was funny, but because I totally understand. We have 7 kids..2 boys and five girls. So the whole sister thing really resonated with me. It is funny..the sister dynamics.
Is it just the 3 sisters? I am sure it must drive you nuts. Maybe just explain to her that once and a while you would appreciate it if she could give you some space ..since you can't get out on your own. Tell her how much you appreciate her help and taking you etc..and for caring. And explain that you are fine and it is just nice to have some alone ,free time here and there. Try the nice tactic. I don't think anything else would really be helpful. It sounds like she really enjoys being with you..maybe because she isn't as outgoing and as strong as you, she probably admires you and wishes she could be like you. I do understand all the sister stuff though! Hope it helps by talking to her.

Michelle

[Birdbomb]

Have you told her how you felt? Explaine how suffocating it is to have someone standing over your shoulder all the time, or better yet, play it out. One day stay at her house and stick to her like she does to you. Don't tell her what you are doing, just stay close, hover about and smile. When she can't take it anymore, tell her it's time you two had a little talk.

She will realize how insufferable she's been by this little senerio and then you guys have a laugh about it.

The next step will be to establish some boundries. And compromise. Have her drop you off to do YOUR shopping for a couple of hours and then she can shop with you for a bit.

Sometimes those who love us don't realize what a pain they can be!

[RobinN]

You have yourself in a bind.
Darned if you do and darned if you don't.
You need to set the limits. Write them out so you are clear in your mind of what you want. But then again a little compromise along the way would be helpful I am sure. She must feel a bit protective of you. Maybe go every other week, or even once a month. Think about conversations you might start up to help her develop that in herself.
I would be open and honest, but not brutal. One day you may need her even more, and you don't want to create a divide between the two of you.

My suggestion would be less often and share your needs. Remember, "I need" works the best.

[KathyJJ]

Thanks everyone for your response! Yes, it is three sisters and yes it does "drive me nuts"! She means well but enough is enough and if I mention it to her, I'm afraid it will hurt her feelings and I don't want to do that. The suggestion of not going as often is what I had been thinking about trying. If it's not as often, I can tolerate her better without taking a chance of hurting her. Thanks again everyone and I'll keep your suggestions in mind!

[brain]

I had to chuckle a little bit when I read that post.

I finally had to tell my mom who drives to the store, not to
back off - but rather I told her simply, "I've been shopping
for years and been doing pretty awesome at it, don't you
think? Even when (ex's name) had us in a rut." I think she
had the idea very quickly and backed off, but watched from
the distance.

She actually LEARNED some things from me! *laughs*

Never intending to purchase anything, but with that "steal
of a deal", I still have keen eyes like a hawk, and I know
where and what to look for - I love a bargain; and I'll snatch
them up if I see it. *laughs* And my own mom said, "I'll believe
I'll take a couple for me, you can't hoard them all for yourself!"
*laughs* (Yes, the other time I actually cleaned the shelf off
at that price! I mean for 99 cents each for a $5.98 product, and
plus I had 4 coupons for $1.00 off - *laughs*)

But having her drop you off is one idea; or teaching her to
be frugal and be conservative is another idea. Is she a money
hogger and you're a miser? Do you know the stores well enough
where you know where the bargain basement (or table / shelves
or wherever they are) is located? Take her there - and say we're
going to raid there before everyone else gets it and see what kind
of goodies they may have in store there!

CompUSA, Best Buy, Staples, PetSmart, Office Depot, Barnes and
Noble, and so on - they all have them ... while she's busy there,
you can tell her to keep looking and as wide-eyed as she would be
you can sneak away and do your shopping.

PS: I'm guilty as heck - that's the first place I hit in the stores
are those bargain areas first.



When my mom learned of this, she actually blabbered to my little
sister about it, knowing she was in need of some of these things
but wasn't sure which one she wanted, for if she had known she
would have gotten it for her - well, you can bet your booties my
sister headed to the Office Depot ... after work!

[Bernard]

"You know how when we were kids we were told not to stare at people in wheelchairs? Well, ..."

You need to talk to her and let her know that 1) it is unneccesarry and 2) it bothers you. Be sure to thank her for all her love and support. Good luck.

[KathyJJ]

This sister doesn't spend money. In fact, if by accident that she does make a purchase, the other sister and I almost pass out from shock! We think she must be planning on "taking it with her" because she never makes a purchase! As for me, if I see a bargain and I can use it, I get it! She would NEVER drop me off anywhere. I have mentioned it to her and she comes back with "Oh, I can go with you. I don't mind!". In other words, she can't take a hint! She knows she's not going to make a purchase and doesn't want to because she'll have to spend some money so she's not interested in looking or browsing anywhere for herself. Therefore, I'm STUCK with her. We've told her to spend some of that "rusty money" but she just stands there and smiles and never says a word. As I stated earlier, this sister is hard to describe. I just wish there was a way to get her to back off without hurting her but thanks again everyone for your suggestions!

[skillefer]

Hi Kathy! Sounds like an overprotective, and possibly lonely sister. We never truly know everything that goes on in another person's house. Maybe when she takes you shopping, for her it's not really a time to shop, but a time to escape from her own life.

[Loudmouth]

does this sister have a friend she could invite? maybe that would take a load off you if she was chatting with a friend instead of hovering over your shoulder? her friend may also notice what's going on and 'distract' her from bugging you!! if she doesn't have anyone she can bring along, then she is just genuinely lonely and using these shopping trips as a chance to 'connect' with someone in her own way, in a way that she feels she is helping you,being there for you. Is she maybe needing these shopping trips just as much as you but in a different way maybe?

[KathyJJ]

No, this sister doesn't have any friends or none that she does anything with. As I stated earlier, this sister is hard to explain. From what I have gathered, she doesn't make phone calls unless she has to, no one calls her and she doesn't do much more all week except go to town once a week. I don't mean to sound cruel but she can get up and go anytime she wants to. She doesn't have to sit up there and do nothing all week but be lonely. Why do I have to pay for her loneliness? I have talked to her about some things she did in the past and it hurt her. I didn't mean to do that but she is that sensitive. She came back with something meaning she didn't know she was doing anything wrong. Sounds like I'm between a rock and a hard place but thanks everyone for your suggestions!

[Meetz1064]

idea......although a little strange. A takeoff on Loudmouth's idea actually. What about taking a friend of YOURS with you? And tell your friend about your sister. Explain to your friend ahead of time what your sister is like, and ask for their help.....maybe they can run interference, strike up a one on one conversation with her, I think you get the idea. I know it's a stretch, and it's way out there......but, hey, ya gotta think outside the box, for this.

Do you think that this sister has appointed herself as your "guardian"? Albeit an UNWANTED guardian? Or do you think someone else told her that she had to do it, and now she is taking it so seriously that it's suffocating you?

Hmmmmmmmmm, I have to think on this more. I have 2 sisters also, but we barely speak. One's living in England, the other in Arizona.....

[Shelley]

Yeah, my sister is like that. She 'sacrificed' her life to be near me. Yet she 'pretends' to give me space. I live in Austin, and she lives two hours away in Luling (which she tried to tell me was named after a Chinese dude).
When we were kids, she bullied me, and always wanted to tell me what to do. She used to get on the phone and demand that I come see her, and that we need to go shopping together to help me spend my hard earned money 'wisely'.
When she calls, she demands that I drop everything for her, because she is 'sacrificing' her time to call me.
I find that she is an over bearing, lonely, needy person, (married with children), who has a victim/martyr complex that I don't want to deal with.
I am doing ok with all the decisions and consequenses of those decisions and actions. I still have seizures, but I am trying to not let that get in my way. Why do I need her to get in my way.
Just tell your sister that you are too busy, and go shopping with a friends, if you would like companionship. You don't need a babysitter.

[KathyJJ]

Meetz1064, your idea sounds good but the problem is my friends work and this sister goes on the same day of every week regardless. But, maybe that would work when sister 2 meets us. If I could get her to go along with it, we could start up a conversation about getting to shop alone, etc. and I could state how I'm like a "bird out of a cage" when I get the "rare chance" to do that and I wish I could do it more often. But, as in the past, she won't get the hint! That is the way she is and she would just stand there and grin and not say a word nor get the clue we're talking about her. I think she's doing me the same way she used to do our mother before she died. She used to "mama" our mother to death and liked to have drove her crazy! Now I'm understanding how she felt but don't know what to do about it. There are no words that can describe how this sister is so you will understand. This is a case of "seeing is believing". She is weird and there's no other description but thanks again everyone. I'm going to keep your suggestions in mind.

[KathyJJ]

Just had an idea from your suggestions! Occasionally, my husband will go in one direction and drop me off anywhere I want. That is when I'm like a "bird out of a cage". He's threating to do that this week, I hope I hope, I hope. If he does, soon after that I could call or up something and tell her about it and tell her "That was so much fun! I never get to shop by myself and I like browsing in the stores alone sometimes because I never get to do that" Is that too cruel sounding? Then again, my luck as in the past, she won't take the hint! But what's your opinion about that statement? Thanks everyone! It helps just knowing I've got you here to blow off steam if I need too! At least you understand! Thanks again!

[epileric]

I've found that a lot of the people act oblivious to hints very deliberately. I honestly believe that quite often (I can't say for your situation) being firm, direct but tactful & respectul is the best way to deal with such situations.

[Meetz1064]

that the statement you came up with would work JUST FINE. Since her skin is so THICK, and her head so DENSE, this is likely the only way to get through to her.

Good luck!!!

[RobinN]

Just had an idea from your suggestions! Occasionally, my husband will go in one direction and drop me off anywhere I want. That is when I'm like a "bird out of a cage". He's threating to do that this week, I hope I hope, I hope. If he does, soon after that I could call or up something and tell her about it and tell her "That was so much fun! I never get to shop by myself and I like browsing in the stores alone sometimes because I never get to do that" Is that too cruel sounding? Then again, my luck as in the past, she won't take the hint! But what's your opinion about that statement? Thanks everyone! It helps just knowing I've got you here to blow off steam if I need too! At least you understand! Thanks again!

I have found when trying to "hint" at something it is always miscommunicated. I think you need to be really really nice. She is driving you, which is very kind on her part. So be truthful, and kind and explain to her the situation. However, if you really don't like to be with the person, why use her for the ride. That isn't helpful to either of you.

[KathyJJ]

I have found when trying to "hint" at something it is always miscommunicated. I think you need to be really really nice. She is driving you, which is very kind on her part. So be truthful, and kind and explain to her the situation. However, if you really don't like to be with the person, why use her for the ride. That isn't helpful to either of you.

She's not making any special trips just for me. She does this even if I don't go. There are two reasons I continue to go in spite of her. One is because the three of us meet for lunch sometimes and this sister lives right next door. She would never understand and would ask why if I had my husband to drive me into town and drop me off where we're suppose to meet the other sister and then come back and pick me up later. We have been doing this for so many years that if I stop now, she will wonder why and ask questions and it would hurt her and I don't want to do that. She hasn't always been "this bad". There used to be times that it was enjoyable. Not every time but she wasn't this bad. How do you stop something that you have been doing together for so many years without questions and hurting feelings? If there was a way to stop it without hurt feelings, I would but I don't see that it's possible. If I could drive, I would meet them in town by myself and then go my own way after lunch, but I can't so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.