recalling things during/around clusters/seizures

[petero]

recalling frames of memory (I refer to it as like seeing comic book panels without seeing the whole book - just individual panels, with no timeframe reference, and no continuity) ictal/post/inter... idk really
likely I was seeing blips of actual events? sometimes it seems.. I'm not sure - but the events have a "reality" about them

is it ok to just quit trying to piece things like this together?
I have a very active mind and I may be trying too hard to piece things together around seizure periods
how can I let myself go and just accept things?
I have a lot of guilt regarding my seizures
I keep feeling I need to be able to explain them, and to know myself - I feel the need to be able to explain them to others, to my family... to be able to explain my behavior
as a recovering alcoholic I think it stems from an apologetic and deeply rooted angst inherent with alcoholism - always an apologetic thing - and I think I have issues overall

- I obsess - I'm a very detail oriented person and I have a hard time just letting this go
I'm probably being worse on myself overall overthinking
I overthink so many things

[lainewool]

Dear Petox
Ah, another overthinker! I am DEFINITELY an overthinker...
but here's a thought (LOL)
I decided to consider that the universe is offering me a lesson out of my experience. For example - the not remembering part, which is VERY freaky I know. I realized that in fact none of us remember most of what we have been through. It would be impossible to remember all the aspects of every moment of every situation, and we don't. So: the illusion is that we can remember. The lesson from this not-remembering is that we are mistaken to think we CAN remember. For me it was a kind of recognizing that I don't have control. And from that in turn I have been able not to let go but rather to accept that my non-memory is the key that enabled me to understand this general truth.
Do you know that song of Leonard Cohen's, the crack in the bell is how the light gets in? I hang on to that. If everything was 'perfect' we would understand so little...

Thhhhink on!!!
best

[petero]

thanks for the input lainewool
I drink coffee, so that could be partly to blame, but this is most likely an epilepsy related thing
and it gets really tiring at times
overall I think it's helpful to my creative nature - but it can be really straining can't it