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Old 12-01-2013, 07:48 PM
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Suicidal thoughts??


Hello
Had a seizure today in front of my family and fell to the ground. I feel so different than everyone and so useless. I hate it. I hate me. After I have a seizure I get this voice in my head that says I have no place on this earth, that I don't deserve to live because I'm just a hindrance. I have gotten over the "why me?" Question. And now the question is "should I kill myself?" But honestly, I don't have the guts. I wouldn't be able to kill myself. I have thought about it but I know that I wouldn't do it. I haven't fully given up yet. This voice that tells me I don't deserve to live, doesn't go away. Every time I have a seizure, it questions my existence, my purpose. I don't like these thoughts, but sometimes I do agree with them. I just have to get through it. It's so hard though. It can be worse so I shouldn't be complaining.

Janellie
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Old 12-01-2013, 08:23 PM
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Don't kill yourself!!!! That's the worst thing you can do!

You can't help that you have epilepsy. It's not like you clicked your heals together three times and said "I wish I had epilepsy, I wish I had epilepsy, I wish I had epilepsy"

I'm unable to have surgery so I'm probably going to have epilepsy and have seizures for the rest of my life.

I've had many seizures in public and in front of family, both tonic colonics and partials. It doesn't bother me. The voice that I get in my head is - "Glad I got through that one!"

The very first seizure I had was horrible. I ended up in the hospital in a medical induced coma because they couldn't get the seizures to stop, and they weren't sure if they ever would. Luckily I came out of it but when I did I lost over 10 years of memory. I didn't even know who the guy was that I was dating at the time, didn't remember a thing about him.

My husband and I are so scared that this might happen again. I'd hate the fact of coming out of a seizure and not knowing who he is and all the things that we've done. So as I said that voice is "Glad I got through that one!"

Many different things happen to people, so you aren't different. My husband had cancer and was very upset while he was going through the treatments. He had the same feelings that you do.

He hated the fact that when he went for chemo and radiation treatments all of the people there had lost their hair and a ton of weight. The complete opposite happened to him. He grew more hair and gained more weight. When the people would see him they thought he was there to be with someone while they were getting their treatments until he sat down in the chair and was hooked up. They would give him looks unbelieving why he looked like that.

Luckily he made it through it but the drs told him that there is a chance that he could get cancer again. He's very upset about this. I know epilepsy isn't something that can be cured but neither is his cancer.

Is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel? Family or friend maybe? Just getting things out helps a good bit.
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Old 12-01-2013, 08:33 PM
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You MUST speak with someone about your thoughts, and your coping difficulty. Can your epilepsy nurse recommend someone to you, such as a counselor? How about a best friend or close family member, as valerie points out? Even your general doctor can recommend a professional for you to speak to, it doesn't have to come from your neurologist. Good luck!
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Old 12-01-2013, 08:45 PM
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First i want to thank you for posting all the real stuff, in the raw. I also have a clinical depression issue and know the hell that can happen with that. i am not saying that that is what is your issue, just that i understand. and you are not alone. it takes a lot of guts for you to post all that. Thank you. please keep posting and know that it helps others.
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Old 12-01-2013, 09:10 PM
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Suicidal thoughts??


Evening,
Please do not take any action with those thoughts.
Like the weather, this too shall pass.
Use these forums as a resource for support in those dark thoughts and know you are not alone.
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Old 12-01-2013, 09:30 PM
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Another person I can talk to about things or problems I'm having is my husbands best friend who I'm good friends with too. He lives a few states away. He comes to visit every few months and he usually spends the night. After my husband goes to bed the two of us will stay up all night talking about things that are going on in our lives and dealing with. He gives a lot of good advice and is a great listener. He helps me out and I help him.

I think I have an easier time telling him things is because I don't have to look at him in the face every day and feel guilty (if that's the right way to describe it) about what I said like I do everyone else. If I have problems going on I can call him and we'll talk and he usually calls me every so often to see how I'm doing.

I don't know if you have any one like that you can talk to, it might help.
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Old 12-01-2013, 09:32 PM
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I second what the others say about getting some help with those thoughts. We are all here for you and you can vent/talk/pm us as much as you want, but a face-to-face meeting with a good counselor would certainly be better. Someone who can really see you in person, see your expressions, and discern what sort of emotions you are feeling. Those are things that can't be done in writing. Nonetheless, you don't need to kill yourself over a seizure. I have had several grand mals (tonic-clonics) and literally thousands of simple and complex partial seizures over the past 30-plus years and, for whatever reason, I have never felt that they were a reason to be ashamed of myself or want to hurt myself. Again, it ain't like you have any control over this! Please try to find yourself a good counselor, and please keep in touch with us here.

Carry on! You can do it!
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:07 AM
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Originally Posted by valeriedl View Post:
The voice that I get in my head is - "Glad I got through that one!"
valeriedl,

I would never kill myself, just these thoughts run through my head of actually doing it. I am so happy that the voice in your head says, "Glad I got through that one!" I just love it!! I hope one day mine say that

Its so terrible that you lost 10 years of your memory I have never gotten close to that! I feel so ashamed for actually thinking my situation with epilepsy was bad. (I guess I think my situation with epilepsy is bad because I don't know anyone else with it and all I see around me are healthy people.) I hope you never have to deal with that again.

It is amazing that you have your husband's best friend to talk to! I wish I had someone I could trust like that. I don't have anyone. Talking things out will definatly help. I have been considering a counselor...I think I will schedule an appointment with one at my university.

I am very sorry for your husband, I hope he doesn't have to experience cancer again.

Thank you so much for finding some light in me.

Hugs,
Janellie
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:11 AM
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[QUOTE=masterjen;250109]You MUST speak with someone about your thoughts, and your coping difficulty.QUOTE]

masterjen,

I will definatly talk to a counselor! I don't feel comfortable talking about my epilepsy to anyone else Its a start and at least I am moving forward. Thank you.

Hugs,
Janellie
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Janus View Post:
it takes a lot of guts for you to post all that. Thank you. please keep posting and know that it helps others.
Janus,

The real stuff that I post is the truth. And I am glad that people like you understand me. I love when I read other people's posts and I relate to them- its the best feeling! (of not feeling alone in this big world). I will definatly keep posting the raw stuff Thank you darling.

Hugs,
Janellie
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:23 AM
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[QUOTE=CBernieBlack;250116]
Like the weather, this too shall pass.
QUOTE]

CBernieBlack,

I love that... "Like the weather, this too shall pass." It is so true! I just need to not give up. I can do this. There is so much support on this site! It is perfect I am glad there are people like you out there to remind that the hard times like this will pass Thank you.

Hugs,
Janellie
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:30 AM
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Originally Posted by arnie View Post:

Carry on! You can do it!
arnie,

Your post makes me feel so welcomed You know what, I don't need to kill myself over a seizure, I cant control it, and that's life. I cant keep thinking of these negative thoughts, they will only drag me down- I don't need that. I'm done believing and agreeing with those thoughts, its time to push them out of the way and create my own positive thoughts I will carry on because that is what life is about. I can do it!!! Thank you for reminding me that I have something to live for, and that's me

Hugs,
Janellie
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Old 12-02-2013, 01:31 AM
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Not a problem. :-) Any time you need some happy thoughts or words to help combat those pesky things, we will all be here.
The med I am on, Vimpat, has a massive warning regarding 'suicidal thoughts' and it is scary that it is listed under side effects.
Anyway...you rock. So hang around so we can all laugh.

You are a strong ship on stormy seas. A ship is safe in the harbor....but that is not what a ship is for.
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:13 AM
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my meds where great at putting suicidal thoughts in my head.
Tell your neurologist ASAP about what's going on with you and the suicidal thoughts.
He has me call him when ever I start feeling like that .
My family has seen me have 1000's of seizures over the years and your family who knows how they will react since I don't know them.
I tried committing suicide when I was 14 but it's the meds and talk to your neurologist right away.I thought everyone would be better off without me.
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Old 12-02-2013, 09:19 AM
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Janellie8,

This is important - your medication may be causing your depression. So can the seizures themselves. Some anti-seizure meds have serious depression as a possible side effect. Please call your neurologist right away this morning, NO DELAY, and tell him (or his nurse) how you have been feeling. They will see you right away or the doctor will call you. Also call your primary care doctor if your neurologist doesn't respond right away.

In the meantime please tell a friend or family member how you are feeling so they can be there for you. Even though you may feel like being alone it's important right now to be around others.

This is info on depression from Epilepsy.com:

Quote :
Depression is the psychiatric condition most frequently identified in people with epilepsy. Nevertheless, it is very often unrecognized and untreated. It should be considered a serious problem because of its significant negative impact on the patient's quality of life and increased potential for self-injury or suicide. An important tool in understanding the variety of depressive syndromes in epilepsy is the timing of the mood symptoms in relation to the ictus:
Preictal symptoms of depression can appear hours to days before a seizure. This phenomenon has been well documented in studies utilizing rating scales for depression and associated symptoms before and after seizures. Patients typically report feelings of irritability, inability to experience any pleasure in activities, problems with concentration, and feelings of hopelessness. The intensity of these symptoms worsens over time. Symptoms usually remit after seizures, though in some patients symptoms may persist into the postictal period.
During the ictal phase, the mood may suddenly change to sadness, suicidal ideation or feeling of helplessness or hopelessness with no environmental precipitant. Symptoms of depression and fear are the two most common ictal expressions of psychiatric symptoms. Often they may be the only symptoms of the ictus, hence presenting as simple partial seizures. More often than not, however, these symptoms last less than 30 seconds and are followed by alteration of consciousness leading to a complex partial or secondarily generalized tonic-clonic seizure. Some investigators have suggested that the presence of psychiatric "auras" may be associated with a higher occurrence of interictal depressive disorders in patients with epilepsy.
Ictal crying (dacrystic seizures) is rare, despite the prevalence of unpleasant or dysphoric mood auras. Ictal laughing (gelastic seizures) is more common, yet the experience of euphoria during an ictus (a "Dostoyevskian seizure") is extremely rare. The divergence may represent an uncoupling of emotional experience from the expression of affect during the ictal phase.
During the postictal phase, symptoms of depression are common but often overlooked. In a recent study, 43% of 100 consecutive patients with intractable partial epilepsy experienced symptoms of depression after more than half of their seizures. The average duration of these symptoms was 24 hours, with a range from several minutes to up to a week. Of these 43 patients, 18 reported clusters of at least five symptoms of depression that lasted at least 24 hours and mimicked the symptoms of a major depressive episode, and 13 experienced suicidal thoughts. Most of the patients who reported symptoms of depression also reported symptoms of anxiety and disturbances in their sleep and appetite. Clearly, these symptoms have a greater impact in the life of patients than the actual seizure.
During the interictal phase, depression is the most frequent comorbid psychiatric disorder. Interictal depressive disorders result from a variety of factors including:
  • chemical and electrophysiological changes in the brain resulting from the epileptic disorder itself
  • a genetic predisposition to experience depression
  • a reaction to the multiple obstacles faced by people with epilepsy
  • an adverse effect of medications used to treat the seizures
The depressive disorders in people with epilepsy may be identical to those of people in the general population, but in up to 50% of people with epilepsy, interictal depressive episodes present features considered "atypical." Symptoms of irritability, poor frustration tolerance, and mood lability may be more prevalent and obvious than other symptoms typical of "classic" depression, such as inability to find pleasure in activities, problems with sleep and appetite, or feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Their symptoms tend to last between a few hours and several days and may remit spontaneously for several days before recurring without any apparent reason. This on-off course of symptoms can persist for a very long time, to the point that patients and their families often consider these "mood changes" to be normal and "a part of the epilepsy." Thus, they fail to report them to the physician and the depressive episodes go untreated while having a significant taxing effect on the quality of life of the patients and their families.
Treatment of pre-ictal, ictal, and postictal symptoms of depression depends largely on seizure control. The efficacy of antidepressant drugs in treating postictal depressive episodes has not yet been evaluated.
On the other hand, patients with sustained episodes of interictal depression may benefit from antidepressants. These drugs seldom compromise seizure control in clinical practice.
http://professionals.epilepsy.com/pa...ym_depres.html
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Old 12-02-2013, 10:56 AM
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NGU

The definition is in my signature. Then remember that life goes on. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. You'll be fine.
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Old 12-02-2013, 11:13 AM
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http://www.coping-with-epilepsy.com/...96/#post150855
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