Hi all,
about 10 years ago i was watching a movie with my best friend and smoking pot and all of the sudden a strange, FAMILIAR, horrible sensation washed over me. I knew that i had experienced this state before as it overtook me and I would almost describe it, and i remember describing it as a nightmare but when you are awake. I hadn't remembered until that moment but this used to happen to me when i was very young and i think mostly or only when i was sick and throwing up. my mom never understood when i told her what was happening and so it was just washed over and eventually i forgot that it even used to happen. when it happened again for the first time in I'm guessing 10 or 15 years i was completely devistated. I was away at college and began to question everything eventually convincing my roommate and boyfriend to leave school with me. they both eventually went back to school or transferred but i went on a strange crazy hippy quest leading me to hawaii, burning man and basically just doing some really dangerous things like more drugs, hitchhiking across the country alone. i guess i sort of had a nervous breakdown. i was trying to live completely in the moment and i got rid of all of my belongings. i became very spiritual and started to believe some really crazy things. the whole time not really questioning what was going on even though i was extremely unhappy, but i was always searching for something. So anyways, I lost my boyfriend and first love, alienated myself from all friends and family and was miserable. I like to think that I've come to my senses somewhat at this point. i am doing a job that many people would be envious of and I'm trying to live a more stable and productive life, but i still feel like something is missing. i can't connect to people. i haven't fallen in love again and have barely even had a crush on anyone. i even feel uncomfortable around my family and closest friends. i pretty much struggle to get through every day and i feel that every interaction is awkward. i used to be the most social, fun and some would say charming person and now i just feel like a shell of that person. i constantly go through the motions. i don't think i act like a typical depressed person because i am constantly trying to go out and hoping that the old me will re-appear. there are literally about 3 times in the past 10 years when i feel like i have snapped out of it. something randomly clicked in my head and i realized just to relax and have fun, remembered what it felt like to want to kiss a guy, and felt genuinely interested in people and things. basically i was excited about life again. these lasted i think about a day each time. I've been to many doctors and i think the fact that i haven't had another seizure is kind of confusing. I've had an mri and and eeg and they were both fine. I've tried every type of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, anti-seizure medication out there but i can't snap out of this fog. I've done a good bit of research and it seems like i have one or some sort of combo of the following. PTSD, interictal dysphoric disorder or depersonalization, not to mention anxiety, depression and ocd that just come with what i feel has happened to my life. so, after that long story i just thought id ask if anyone else has any similar situation? id really like to figure this out as i feel like i am just floating by in life and being almost 30 that I'm wasting and have wasted away some important years. can someone tell me something that gives me some hope please?
about 10 years ago i was watching a movie with my best friend and smoking pot and all of the sudden a strange, FAMILIAR, horrible sensation washed over me. I knew that i had experienced this state before as it overtook me and I would almost describe it, and i remember describing it as a nightmare but when you are awake. I hadn't remembered until that moment but this used to happen to me when i was very young and i think mostly or only when i was sick and throwing up. my mom never understood when i told her what was happening and so it was just washed over and eventually i forgot that it even used to happen. when it happened again for the first time in I'm guessing 10 or 15 years i was completely devistated. I was away at college and began to question everything eventually convincing my roommate and boyfriend to leave school with me. they both eventually went back to school or transferred but i went on a strange crazy hippy quest leading me to hawaii, burning man and basically just doing some really dangerous things like more drugs, hitchhiking across the country alone. i guess i sort of had a nervous breakdown. i was trying to live completely in the moment and i got rid of all of my belongings. i became very spiritual and started to believe some really crazy things. the whole time not really questioning what was going on even though i was extremely unhappy, but i was always searching for something. So anyways, I lost my boyfriend and first love, alienated myself from all friends and family and was miserable. I like to think that I've come to my senses somewhat at this point. i am doing a job that many people would be envious of and I'm trying to live a more stable and productive life, but i still feel like something is missing. i can't connect to people. i haven't fallen in love again and have barely even had a crush on anyone. i even feel uncomfortable around my family and closest friends. i pretty much struggle to get through every day and i feel that every interaction is awkward. i used to be the most social, fun and some would say charming person and now i just feel like a shell of that person. i constantly go through the motions. i don't think i act like a typical depressed person because i am constantly trying to go out and hoping that the old me will re-appear. there are literally about 3 times in the past 10 years when i feel like i have snapped out of it. something randomly clicked in my head and i realized just to relax and have fun, remembered what it felt like to want to kiss a guy, and felt genuinely interested in people and things. basically i was excited about life again. these lasted i think about a day each time. I've been to many doctors and i think the fact that i haven't had another seizure is kind of confusing. I've had an mri and and eeg and they were both fine. I've tried every type of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, anti-seizure medication out there but i can't snap out of this fog. I've done a good bit of research and it seems like i have one or some sort of combo of the following. PTSD, interictal dysphoric disorder or depersonalization, not to mention anxiety, depression and ocd that just come with what i feel has happened to my life. so, after that long story i just thought id ask if anyone else has any similar situation? id really like to figure this out as i feel like i am just floating by in life and being almost 30 that I'm wasting and have wasted away some important years. can someone tell me something that gives me some hope please?