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Matthew74

Matthew74

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Aside from posting the long bit about the EMU at the Mayo I haven't said much. I've been pretty depressed. I think the last year would have taken it out of anyone.

After I got out of the EMU they upped my dose of Felbatol and took me off of Keppra. It was a good move, my everyday simple partials are getting better.

I'm moving to Rochester, MN. I don't know how I will do it. But, I'm looking at an apartment tomorrow, and I found a *possible* job lead today. I discovered a music store, and there is a good chance they might hire me to repair instruments at some point, even if it's only part time. I'm also working on getting a job at the Mayo, but that will be harder. I may be able to teach clarinet and saxophone here, it sounds like there is a need.

I think the instrument repair job would work out, but I'm really scared about other jobs. I'm afraid I'll end up getting sick, or my back will get bad, or something. However, I think that overall Rochester will be much more healthy for me. I like the place, I have my doctors, I have a church, and I will be able to have a real social life.
 
Matthew74 said:
I think the instrument repair job would work out, but I'm really scared about other jobs. I'm afraid I'll end up getting sick, or my back will get bad, or something. However, I think that overall Rochester will be much more healthy for me. I like the place, I have my doctors and I will be able to have a real social life.
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Think Positive!! You said that you are doing better being off of Keppra!! That's positive.

I will be taken off of Keppra in a few months. First my neurologist, is taking me off of Gabapentin (Neurontin.) She has only taken me off of 2 out of 6 a day. She doesn't want me to go into status. So it is going to be 2 pills a month.

Matthew, thank you for the update. You will do fine.
 
Yes, think positive! You said yourself that it would be a good move for you. Now you just got to make it happen. Sure it might need a little coaxing but we've got faith in you. As Nike says, "Just do it". :)

:hugs:
 
Matt, Glad for the news and glad that you are moving on to someplace with more possibilities, especially by way of socializing. I am sitting here thinking about how they don't teach music in the public schools anymore and how that might mean someone like you could parlay a living out of the skills you obviously already have. . . especially since we all know that music is so good for the brain. [I DO go on.] And it is also so good for socializing, don't you know! It is great that the Mayo visit brought something good -- that the simple partials are diminishing. When I think of you, in the next breath I am thinking how insidious depression is. You are so rich with all kinds of great qualities and talents . [It MUST be so if its coming through on a Coping with Epilepsy website, for goodness sake.] So I say to carefully, carefully note that low self evaluation is a trick of the depression ... also the conviction that things aren't going to turn out. It is a trick. You are A-OK! And I hope you keep posting!
 
Thank you, I'm really lonely. I think just about anybody in my place would be depressed out of their mind. I don't mean to compare myself or my circumstances with anyone else, for better or worse, only that the last year had been rough and would wreck anyone.

I'm so lonely. Sometimes I think I'm feeling sorry for myself, and that if I wanted to I could shape up and get on with it. Then I think, "No, it's been a disaster." I'm not totally clinically depressed, but I'm about at my limit for being able to handle it all. Just dealing with the pain before back surgery would have been enough to traumatize anyone.

I called the lady to see the apartment today, like we had agreed. She rented the apartment yesterday! We just spoke yesterday. I was dumbfounded. She's from the church, and I got her number from the priest. From speaking to her, I know she's having a hard time remembering what is going on, and probably got mixed up. She was sincerely apologetic, and said, "I wanted to rent it to you." I had to laugh, and I told her it was ok. I'm going to see her tomorrow at church. WHY DOES STUFF LIKE THAT HAPPEN TO ME? I just don't get it.

What am I supposed to do? I don't know. What's probably the hardest for me is that I feel like this stupid brain tumor wrecked my life. I didn't think about it when I was younger, but now looking back it appears that way. I'm sure that if I didn't have the tumor, all other things being the same, I would have succeeded either at music or academics. I have had opportunities, but I couldn't make them work. I've tried.

Honestly, I wish I was back in the EMU.

Anyhow, I'm going to church tomorrow, and there's not a whole lot that can go wrong with that!
 
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Don't wish to be back in the EMU. You are better and stronger than that. In the hospital, you had lots of people around, things being done for you, and most importantly the feeling that everyone cared for you and about you. But it is the staff's JOB to care for you and about you. When you left the hospital, it was largely out of sight out of mind for most of the staff, as a new patient will take your place that the staff have to care for and make feel comfortable. I can relate to what you are experiencing as I was in an EMU a little over a year ago, and I think it is common to feel the way you are feeling to one degree or another for those of us who live alone.

Find your inner strength to care for yourself, and pursue the Matthew you want to be. You may need help along the way and seeking this help is in itself a sign of strength, not weakness, because you are recognizing your own personal limits of what you can do on your own. Talk to the minister at your church, as this person may be able to direct you to resources. Consider visiting Rochester again, and going to a church there to speak with that minister, as this person will be familiar with the area and services available there.
 
Matt, From what you have posted about your circumstances I absolutely believe that this last year would wreck anyone in your place. It would me, for sure. I get it about the loneliness too. OF COURSE you are feeling sorry for yourself. HOW COULD IT BE OTHERWISE? In recent years even primary care doctors emphasize the idea that whenever there is physical pain, there is depression. I think they go so far as to say that you can't have one without the other. AND I AM SURE that is true. It is a physiological given. Somehow I am hoping that pointing this out will take some heat off you though I think you are not in physical pain right this very minute. [But there has been more than enough.] The reason the landlady got mixed up about the apartment is because that kind of thing happens to everybody ALL THE TIME. Really! As far as success is concerned, you DO still have quite a few years to go. In the meantime I KNOW you can drive yourself down.That's the depression. Be alert to its dangers. Don't drive yourself down the minute you can help it! I wish I could give you a hug.
 
Masterjen's post seems to me to be right on the mark. And if I were going to give you a hug, it would be a Get-With-The-Program hug. You are with US -- you aren't with THEM!
 
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