Warning: Rant

[renee97]

I've had it.
26 months without work, 20 months without income, insurance (self-insurance) cost is $1228 per quarter for a $2,000 deductible, denied disability twice and been told it could take as much as another 18 months (from now) to be approved for disability, SSA would take a large portion of that away even if I were able to get it because they insist they overpayed me in 1995-96 and I still owe them $7,000, medical bills I am looking at right now are in the area of about $1,400.
I have REALLY had it. When I called Hennepin County Medical Center to ask about reducing my payments below $25 a month they said "no can do." I wrote them a letter. In the letter I stated:
"I am not willing to liquidate all of my assets to pay these medical bills and then wind up with no food and no roof over my head. Work with me, hire me to go to work so I can earn an income to pay the bills, but I am not giving in to this ****** up medical scam."

Or words to that effect. Find out today that I will need to part with $201.00 for a 30 day supply of Keppra. Called the Neurologists office and said "i can't afford this."
"you will have seizures."
"no kidding. I won't pay those bills either."

I am actually considering finding an attorney for a medical malpractice suit. In April 2007 I told my then Neurologist that my Cobra insurance would end on May 31st and we needed to do something NOW.
Now turned out to be mid-July and it was to Dilantin. That made everything worse. Some individual made the simple decision that the cheapest drug would have to be the solution. NOT. After six months of h*** I am off Dilantin, but still taking the Lamictal and Keppra. I told them in April 2007 I needed to get off of those drugs because of their cost, but I did not expect them to put me on a drug that would make things worse. Here I am nine months later, with a lot less money and not very much in the way of options. Because I have insurance, things like www.rxassist.org are of no value. Because I am being very "Scottish" I am not going to sell every last thing I have to pay medical bills.

Heard on the news last week that "Minnesota is already in a recession." No kidding.
Hopefully some of these troglodytes posing as medical professionals will get the message.
"I'm mad as h*** and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

[speber]

...I wish I had an answer...I really, truly do.

[renee97]

...I wish I had an answer...I really, truly do.

$332.00 would cover the cost of having to purchase a new computer monitor and printer (couldn't do much without either one) and the Oliver Sacks book. Oh, and it would also cover that $201.00 one month supply of Keppra.
Sarcasm comes naturally----my mother was an expert!
r97

[speber]

... I wish I HAD that answer!

[RobinN]

Sarcasm comes naturally----my mother was an expert!

Perhaps this isn't the best role model.
I believe in the old saying... "you reap what you sow"

[renee97]

Hi Robin,
First, I don't think my mother gave it much thought or cared. Her mother was a type of monster also. Result was that my brother and I got what our maternal grandmother gave! After my mother passed away in 1995, some family friends told me stories of being out with her with surprising events!

I do my best to twist the sarcasm into non-threatening humor-----until I reach the boiling point, which is where I was earlier today. I should have been scrubbing the kitchen floor, vacuuming, dusting or something physical (wind chill here today never rose above 10 below zero and was usually lower than that).
one little item: today is the first time in several days that anger did get the best of me. In other words, I have been trying to contain it and some days I can. Today was just not one of them.
r97

[RobinN]

I almost walked away from this and said don't get involved. Yet I am involved, because Bernard has asked me to meet and greet and converse with friends that drop by.
I am going to be honest with you though. Your posts tend to make me nervous. A bit like... I don't want to go there right now. I have enough to deal with, I don't need to get sucked in to this.

I just see something though that I really feel needs to be considered on your part.
You tend to be very blunt. Not a bad personality quirk, however... just as I am not quite so bold as to walk up to you in this large Mansion that Bernard has built... just think that maybe others out in the real world tend to put up their guard around you as well.

Something to consider that the sarcasm and the bluntness, puts people off. Just consider that it might be that you are causing the jobs to be given to someone else. You might see it as non-threatening humor.. others just may not. Some times the steam can be felt before the pot boils. If it resides inside most days, positive energy just isn't going to be headed your way.

"The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences."
L. Hay

[renee97]

Dear Robin,
I know exactly of this "problem." I am well aware of this and have been "advised" of it before. What you, and anyone who sees this and reads my posts may not realize is that a great deal of this personality trait has come about since the diagnoses of epilepsy. But there have been other very large stressful things in my life. All of these have happened just in the last 10-12 years. I had a therapist who said I had a chip on my shoulder. I asked him what I should do about it. He did not have a really clear answer.
I am no angel, I am rotten spoiled and several other words I can't use on this site and I know this. (My brother used to tell people that his sibling-me-was an only child. He was right) I have a hard time living with myself sometimes. But I have really tried, believe it or not, I have really tried to work on this, to not let the anger take over, to not come across as overly sarcastic. In my current financial and emotional state however, there are days that just blow up.
If you can, please accept my apology.
r97

[renee97]

Another way of summing this up: What do you get when you cross a very creative, artistic and diminutive person who has chronic problems with depression, with a male to female transsexual and then is diagnosed with epilepsy?
Me

[RobinN]

No apologies needed. This is surely the place to rant as long as it isn't at someone here. That wouldn't be polite. Would you have this same personality trait if you had heart disease, or were a diabetic, or sitting in a wheelchair? You can't be nasty just because you have a "problem". My dad had parkinsons and I was always so impressed that even when he lost his sight, and his strong tall stature, he never once complained.

I am sure that being in your financial and emotional state would be extremely difficult. However... there are methods taught that help you accentuate the positive.

Have you found any E groups that you could participate in? Have you considered volunteering at and organization that you are passionate about? It might make you feel more positive about yourself and get you around others. The more people you meet, the more you network, the greater chance you have of finding the work that fits.

It sounds like you need to inch back into "life". That is unless you just don't want to.

The past is over and done with and can't be changed. This is the only moment that we can experience. There are some really great breathing techniques here in the forum.

Sorry if I have over stepped my bounds here.

[angel]

renee97,

I truly believe in cause and effect... YES IM A spiritual person make fun if you want (I was told by one of my doctors that im just a highly sensitive person because I tend to take in the negative and positive energy of others OR feel deeply for others.... which actually started to make me so stressed I had to learn to shield myself relaxation letting things roll off my back.... learn to forgive.... you, I know are upset and seem confused as you seem to me to bring up your sexuality up a lot "big deal!" you are who you are! you need to except who you are and if you dont like it change it... in a positive way...anger staying in your body long enough is going to make you physically ill ... think about this no one here wants to attack you we are here to help each other WITH KINDNESS and understanding...we all have vented from time to time me ive done it a lot on this forum... no one here is perfect... everyone makes mistakes.... anger coming from another most everyone can feel and when you scream out for help others might not understand that your actually screaming inside you need to try and let go of past and deal with future we all work on this every day.... think positive and make the best of your life... when your really upset get some paper and let it out in your music or ART work then let it go.......
this past two weeks lol ive been hit with family issues money problems( uti illness which i caused because i didnt take my septra) pms today was handed a 72 notice from husbands mad brother who i forgive and love very much so im not going to let his mood effect me....lol Ive had to all day relax and just let it go give it all to god.... lift my hands in the air and let it all out haha sounds strange... i guess, but it works for me thinking of the good things in my life helps too! it helps push out all the negitive feelings... its my kinda yoga haha


hugs
love angel

[Bernard]

Renee, have you seen this thread? When you can't afford medication - It has some new info in it.

[renee97]

Where and / or how do you get these cartoon characters / images next to your name? The technology to do this escapes me.
R97

[renee97]

Herewith the flip side of my original posting:
In 1980 I ceased working on a Masters degree in Music Composition due mostly to lack of funds. In 1994, 95 and 96 I had one composition performed each year and in 2004 and 2006, I had three compositions performed in each of those years. And in 2004 I received a Jerome Foundation grant to compose a new work.
In 1978, I purchased my first 35 mm camera. With just the advice of a few friends, I taught myself about photography. 1984-89 I worked in photo sales and in 1989, 90 and 91 I had photos published in a railroad historical society publication.
My first year of college my English teacher praised my writing so much he admitted he read one of my "works" to all his classes. This took a little longer, but around 1989-90 I began writing music reviews for a local arts publication in St. Louis. No $ involved. 1992 to 1996 I wrote music reviews for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch for pay. I also wrote for two other publications.
This may seem way off base, but in 1996 I was performing business to business telemarketing / lead generation for a small company in St. Louis. When a young woman employee found out how much I knew about music, she asked for music theory lessons so she could write her own songs. The day after our first meeting, she told me she both learned and retained what she learned. I was blown away.

So all this ranting I do?
It's because I know that I can succeed. I know I can do better, I know that "attitude is everything," and I know what I need to do to get there. I rant because I feel like something or someone is throwing boulders at me trying to prevent my success. Compre?
r97

[Bernard]

Where and / or how do you get these cartoon characters / images next to your name? The technology to do this escapes me.
R97

It's called an avatar. You can upload any image (that conforms to the proper size specs) from the User complex partial link at the top of the page.

[RobinN]

Renee - you have a very impressive resume. There is no doubt.

However, the boulders are put in front of everyone. Complaining and ranting doesn't change that fact. You just dig yourself deeper into the trench, or pull the covers over your head one more day. Making yourself useful to others and productive to yourself, takes effort. Of course we all meet jerks in real life. Yet for us to create the kind of experience in this life that we want, we have to say that is their problem and move toward the kind of life we want.

Sometimes it also means going back to square one. I could spill my accomplishments here as well. But that doesn't really make sense, as today is what matters. I am changing course and finding passion again with my art. To do this I have taken more classes, met new people, engaged those that I already know. I am telling my story honestly and truthfully and so far it is working. Sales are happening, opportunities are opening up. A year ago I had nothing (or so I thought) to put onto a website, but I created one by myself, and within a month I had sold seven pieces. I wanted to start showing my work, and I had the opportunity to show 5 times last year.

I guess what I am trying to say... humble yourself. Take a few classes even if it is just to meet new people. Find that place where you are at home with yourself, and others are drawn to your gifts. You will find it to be a much better existence than boiling over with rage at the world.

Bills.... I don't think there is anyone here that doesn't have them. Sometimes we have to make changes in our lives. I know my family is going to be doing just this, so that I can continue to pursue my passion. I am okay with that.
I was always taught... Where there is a will, There is a way.

Perhaps you could share your knowledge by teaching.

[RobinN]

Todays Quote:
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

[Crowind]

Renee, we must all vent our feelings if we dont do this regularly we become like a dog with a cork in his rear, (not aproachable), I was told in aug of last year that I could not work or drive for 6 months, I went on my short term. went through living hell getting checks from them, to make a longer story shorter, my employer of 6 years told me to come back to work on dec 14. with no restrictions or loose my job, my bring home checks were 6-7 hundred dollars a week, not bad for around here. but my Dr. would not do that so I lost my job, with my Ins. and had no form of income at all.I tried to file for unemployment but they denied it (couldnt work by their records) so there I was all my dissconection notices in hand and no way to pay anyone! very simular to your situation. I gotta find a job fast! and Ill never tell anyone about my health problems, cause they wont hire ya. jobs are hard to find anywhere right now. our countrys in a bad place with jobs. Ive had to step out back and drop bambi for food! (i live in the woods) venting this is healthy for our soul,I speak to the Creator on a daily basis. and I do what I know I must do to survive. life is a sacred circle, in this circle we will get from it what we put in it. good or bad. whether one belives this or not, it does not change, if you feel alone mabey you should call on the Creator, what do you have to loose?? I will speak to the Creator on your behalf tonight, you are not alone in this walk,, I too am on this road, I too feel your pain.this road is a hard one to travel. but we cannot stop and sit on the wayside, there the buzards gather! so vent and vent well. but keep walking, you'll make it . Crowinthewind.

[renee97]

Renee - you have a very impressive resume. There is no doubt.

However, the boulders are put in front of everyone. Complaining and ranting doesn't change that fact. You just dig yourself deeper into the trench, or pull the covers over your head one more day. Making yourself useful to others and productive to yourself, takes effort. Of course we all meet jerks in real life. Yet for us to create the kind of experience in this life that we want, we have to say that is their problem and move toward the kind of life we want.

Sometimes it also means going back to square one. I could spill my accomplishments here as well. But that doesn't really make sense, as today is what matters. I am changing course and finding passion again with my art. To do this I have taken more classes, met new people, engaged those that I already know. I am telling my story honestly and truthfully and so far it is working. Sales are happening, opportunities are opening up. A year ago I had nothing (or so I thought) to put onto a website, but I created one by myself, and within a month I had sold seven pieces. I wanted to start showing my work, and I had the opportunity to show 5 times last year.

I guess what I am trying to say... humble yourself. Take a few classes even if it is just to meet new people. Find that place where you are at home with yourself, and others are drawn to your gifts. You will find it to be a much better existence than boiling over with rage at the world.

Bills.... I don't think there is anyone here that doesn't have them. Sometimes we have to make changes in our lives. I know my family is going to be doing just this, so that I can continue to pursue my passion. I am okay with that.
I was always taught... Where there is a will, There is a way.

Perhaps you could share your knowledge by teaching.

Yes, I was always taught the same thing--where there is a will there is a way. Considering what little my parents told me about life before I was around.
Yet the postings I am reading here make me feel as if I am damned if I rant and damned if I talk about my accomplishments. I am not sitting on my hands here. I am doing things, I am reaching out, and I do what I can to keep my head above water. This is not the first time this has happened. I rant, I get scolded. I talk about things I am involved in (do I sound arrogant?) and the next postings make it seem as if I am a pompous ass (reminds of the M*A*S*H shows with Charles Emerson Winchester!)
Give me a break or something?
R97

[Crowind]

Renee, If I share with you that I am walking on the same "hard" road as you are, and I bring to you words of hope and give you simple metheds of how I try and keep myself on the right pathway. how is this beating you up? I feel your issues go back to when you were a small child. you have a defence system, and it works! you dont have to tell me that you had a very hard childhood, it is seen in your words. it is very hard to go through life with the wounds of our childhood, and even if some of them try to heal, something in life bumps or scrapes and tears the scab, I am not a Dr. or anything even close to it, but I do understand that things from ones past can cling onto our hearts and make things as adults hard, can I ask you what kind of dreams do you have? (sleep dreams) if any, your defence system was in place way before your problems here. I was in no way bashing you or trying to make you look or feel like your wrong. your going to feel the way you feel regardless of my words. as I cannot say Im sorry for my words. because its your heart, not anyones words that cause you to rise up and take defence, Ill say that if you sat down and really took the time and looked deep into your heart you would find a badly wounded child, and if you were to allow the tears to flow, you would find the begining of the road to healing. you may think that all this is crap and I need to get mental help. but these things that happen in our lives as children carry on into our lives and cause many problems, my words were not to hurt or piss you off, as Im sure none of theirs were, hope you can see my intentions clearly. Crowinthewind.