Warning: Rant

[Bernard]

Renee, I like the new avatar. Perhaps you too will "emerge from your cocoon and take flight" soon.

[renee97]

One; truth is I will admit to being way too defensive. Bad habits did start a long time ago in response to a sibling and later to simply being "different."
Two; It was nothing you said / wrote. I have had a week of extreme contrasts here. That original posting on the 23rd? That was one of those "worst days" that one just has to endure and I needed to vent. Yesterday was the opposite.**
Three; Dreams? I had been recording on a file in my computer those that were clear memories until July 07 when I started taking Dilantin. Couldn't remember anything after that. The last time I was able to remember a dream long enough to record it was late December. That one juxtaposed a person I know here in Minneapolis (acquaintance) with 1950's St. Louis Missouri (where I am originally from). Nothing happened in the dream, she and I were talking, and I got on a trolley (!) and went home. In a word, most of my dreams are surreal.

**Yesterday, starting in the late morning, then after lunch, and again around 8 PM I shut the rest of the world out (must do this in order to write) and went back to composing a song I started in early December. The text is set, but the piano part needs to be filled in. I really like this piece. It is not like anything else I have composed partly because the poem is, well, hard to describe with some lines / words not easily singable and others are much easier. This is the first song in a set of about eight poems I plan to set to music.

The truly strange thing about yesterday is that it is very rare I am composing past 7 PM, but I just could not put this down. It just kept wanting to be written! The next song has already been started and a third one will be right on the heels of that one.

Finally, in case you can't tell (I am certain anyone reading this has already figured this out) I lean in the direction of being a perfectionist. As a composer / writer / artist how could I not be? Since my brief experience in a brief marriage I have worked very hard to aim that perfection tendency only at my art. The end.

[Birdbomb]

Renee

I like you. Maybe because you are both brutaly honest and open and screw what anyone else thinks. (much like me) I don't have any advice or suggestions to help with you financial situation and don't know much about music or composing. Just want to say I understand the need to vent, especially after all the crap you are dealing with at present.

[brain]

Love that Avatar! Fits you perfectly!

And by the way, I agree with Birdy's
post! To heck with what everyone
thinks....

LISTEN:

If I did what everyone thinks or what
they thought I should do and not do,
what would I accomplish? Absolutely
NOTHING! That's the truth!

You will always have people who will
find faults, disagree, have different
view points, perspectives, avenues,
yadda, yadda, yadda ...

However - that is THEIR problem, not
YOURS .. don't make their problem yours!

[renee97]

After the last 48 hours, I am all but convinced most doctor's are stupid. I really need to get a copy of that book "How Doctors Think."
On Wednesday the 23rd, I was told by the nurse for my new Neurologist that I needed to get a blood level test for Lamictal as I have started to have the "old same problems" that I had before I started Dilantin. I had been on 700 mg Lamictal and 1500 mg Keppra (daily) before I started the Dilantin which I started in July 07.
The Dilantin screwed everything up and I am finally off of it. Only one problem: while I was on the Dilantin I tapered down on the Lamictal to 250 mg daily. In the last 48 hours I have had two very strong auras (maybe they are simple partials - nobody seems to agree no matter how I describe them). The only thing I know is that they feel like seizures.

This morning at 2:30- 2:45 I heard a click that sounded like my radio alarm; it wasn't that. It was in my head, and it signaled a very strong aura. These things wake me out of a sound sleep and make me feel like I am on speed or some kind of upper. The strong ones, like this morning's are frightening. Took me about 60-75 minutes but I finally fell back asleep.
So WTH do I need a Lamictal blood level test? I KNOW it is too low. I have already increased my Lamictal because if I don't these things will get worse. I may not be a doctor, but I know my body's tolerance for drugs, I know when something is wrong, and 9 times out of 10, I usually know what needs to be done to resolve the problem.
r97

[Birdbomb]

It's not just to see the level of the drug, but what it's doing to you liver too, I think. These drugs can be so toxic to the body the monthy blood level need to watch for liver damage.

[renee97]

It's not just to see the level of the drug, but what it's doing to you liver too, I think. These drugs can be so toxic to the body the monthy blood level need to watch for liver damage.

Oh how well I know! If money was not a problem (although I can't remember that far back), I would be having these tests every month. But I don't have them every month, only when a doctor says "Well lets get this checked out." My father died of colon cancer because it had spread to his liver. I had a friend from college who died at the age of 45 because the cancer started in his esophagus and (also) spread to his liver.
We human beings are fragile when it comes to our internal organs. Our bodies were not designed to withstand the toxicity of these modern drugs.
r97

[alivenwell]

Renee, as you implied, life is precious. All you can do is take this one day at a time. And, really, really try to live your life in the present time. In other words, worrying about tomorrow or being sorry about what happened in the past will prevent you from coping with today. I did not make this up. I took courses on positive thinking several times to hear the reinforcement and try practicing it.
You're obviously very smart and musically talented. I love music myself as a means to cope with this condition. I need to play music that distracts me from negative issues. And, I also take a two mile walk every day to get rid of the adrenaline when I'm frustrated.
There's also a theory that if you smile a lot, you can fool your body into thinking there is no stress. Look up Laughter Yoga. I'm not making this one up. They really practice this stuff. It's amazing how the body/mind connection works.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck. Please try to practice stress management. Deep breathing, exercising, getting away from a stressful piece of music since it might be frustrating to write, walking away from a bad situation....whatever works for you.
I personally am a dog lover. My dog is my best friend, companion and seems to have an incredible understanding of my personality.
Is there any way for you to provide musical lessons? When I grew up, my parents had little money, but they gave us music lessons. My piano teacher did not have an official degree, but he REALLY knew his stuff. We went through all types of music with his personal favorite being Brahms. He taught me how to do musical analysis which helped me in several college courses. I would imagine you could be just like him and equally as good. I'll never forget his great lessons in music, piano, theory, and whatever we were reviewing at the time. He did not hold official recitals, but that was OK. He was a great role model.
As you recall, my sister is a professional musician now as well. She did private lessons at local schools during after school hours or during her students' study halls. I honestly do not know if parents paid her or if the schools paid her. She now has a great job in a major symphony. It's also not always what you know, but also who you know. That was her path to success.