What do you do when your family doesn't support you.

[Matthew74]

I've struggled hard, and had little success. My epilepsy has posed all sorts of problems, and now I'm disabled because of my back. I had surgery on my back Friday, felt incredible until Sunday evening, when a lot of my pain came back, and have been miserable since then.

I live alone. I tried to get my mom to come out before the surgery, but she wouldn't. My sister didn't want to come. Mom came the day after surgery, and helped a little, but for the most part she just makes everything stressful. I'm still doing everything myself, and have to do other things to keep her satisfied. (Except of course she's not.). I tried getting her a birthday cake, but she didn't want to eat it. Suggested she get a massage at the spa, but she wouldn't. I even asked her what we could do tonight for her to enjoy and relax, and she said something about making my pain meds work. I have NO emotional support.

The worst part is that, unless I improve, I won't be able to work at all. I don't have a "home" I can go to, and at this point can't really take care of myself as I should. I'm ok until spring, but then my school loans run out, and I'll be alone and on welfare or something.

My mother resents me, and in a certain way blames me for being sick. Even if she really wanted to help, I don't think she would be able. I'm at the limit of my ability to cope physically and mentally. I need somewhwere to go, or someone to turn to, but there's no one and nobody. I can live with the isolation, as I usually do, but when things like cooking and bathing get so difficult what do you do?

 

[Matthew74]

I said more than I should have. Basically I wanted to know if there are any of you who can't work and don't have anyone to depend on. What do you do? I have had some bad experiences with social services and social security. It's dismal thinking about it.

 

[Belinda5000]

when your family doesn't support you you support yourself and find others to be there for you when you need a supporting hand.

My family was never there for me when I was growing upand I had to support myself.
Family doesn't understand once I got out from under mother's thumb and on my own.

I was never able to work I volunteered at epilepsy foundation and found other things.
I got involved in a support group of my own through letter writing for ppl with epilepsy.

I'd like to get involved in that again like I did back in the 90's.

if that is possible and start another group.

Belinda

 

[Fedup]

Matthew74

As you know its dismal have to deal with this situation and because of it we have to try and make allowances for others which is not an easy thing to do. There is nothing worse than back pain and for that I am sorry you have it.

Do we all have someone we depend on, no not all of us unfortunately. My sisters have nothing to do with me either and it has started with my Brother as well so do not fear you are not alone. How do we cope with it, the same as you do, we try living a life not depending on nobody except ourselves but there are times when we need help and friendship and so we have it here at C.W.E. you try your best that is all you can do and if you do that then you have nothing to be blamed for and the knowledge that you have you are the better.

You know you are the better person so do not put yourself down.

 

[George__]

*hugs*

 

[marika853]

Friends, friends, friends! I wouldn't have made it through the death of my husband and leaving a home I love without them.
I know how you feel! My sons were not there for me when I needed them most! But, we move on. It is very difficult! But what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
You have friends here who will listen and try to help.
Good Luck!
M

 

[lindsayschu2]

If you don't have an extended support group directly around you, I'm betting there are available resources that can help, maybe through your local epilepsy foundation--I don't know what they are but $100 says Nak does and will chime in. Not everyone has a supportive family and a wide net of close friends--that's not a reflection on you and that's important to remember. Be your own best friend mentally by being caring and supportive to yourself, and hang in there until some great ideas pop up on this forum!

 

[Matthew74]

My mother really isn't that bad, it's just that she doesn't know how to "be there" for me emotionally or practically. She helps me out sometimes financially, but things like rent are off the table. Other people do help out from time to time, but you need someone to depend on. Obviously, I'm not married.

So, I don't know where I'm going to go come summer. I imagine I have no choice but to apply for disability, etc. Even under the best circumstances I don't know how you can live off that, and I might loose medicaid and end up on Medicare, in which case my healthcare could get a lot more expensive. I think the real problem with the whole thing is more than uncertainty and insecurity, it's that because I have no way of knowing what might happen if I do one thing or another, I can't even make an educated guess as to what might be the best thing. The only thing that seems certain is that if I go to the government, I will loose a lot of freedom and that my prospects will be dimmed. I've been going in that direction over the past year and its terribly depressing and stressful.

I just can't do that. The problem is that I can't really get a job either. Until my health gets better I'm stuck.

 

[Blonde Angel]

Matthew..
Don't be too hard on yourself but also don't just focus negatives because thats how things get overwhelming.

Its little steps.
I understand about your mum... because whilst my mum gives practical support at times for me and my own dramas ...Ive never been able to have that emotional support from her ..she has that "stiff upper lip" attitude..that its not ok to be emotional if you are then you are weak.....

I wish you the best and
NEVER give up on yourself.. no matter how tough it is.

 

[Matthew74]

Thanks. I decided that, unless I'm going to end up on the street or something, I'm not applying for disability. If I have to, I have to, but not yet. Right now I'm just going to try to take it easy, heal up, etc. I don't know how I'm ever going to make a living but I should be able to do at least as well as I could on disability.

As far as support goes, emotional or otherwise, if I don't have it, I don't have it. However, I have gotten to know the Orthodox priest here in Rochester. He helped me out by talking with me and offering to help me make some contacts in Rochester. I don't know if that will work out, but it gives me some hope, and a much needed alternative to staying in Red Wing, or starting over somewhwere else. Sometimes all you need is someone to confirm what you already know.

 

[Bidwell]

Matt, I just want to let you know that I have been reading your posts for a couple of years now and so much appreciate your frankness about the really awful times and as well as your ability to communicate what is important and helpful and positive about your personal journey. You do a good job of communicating. I have a fellow feeling about you. I have been without anyone to depend upon, such as family, for most of a long life. What I have found is that the pain/resentment/grief that life is NOT as it SHOULD be can easily destroy every small pleasure and self respecting moment. I am constantly warring with myself to get back to the job at hand, even if the job at hand is to just relax out of pain and to let come what may. I have to work at it. When you get right down to it, there is a lot to think about if you let yourself have the leisure, whereas there is not so much to think about if the subject is resentment and pain - just uproar, and the tyranny of the urgent. My very best, B

I hope this makes sense and isn't pollyanna to the point of nausea. I



These coming months sound daunting

 

[Matthew74]

Thank you B!

For me the hardest thing about not having anyone is the uncertainty about the future, whether short term (what happens if I get hurt), or long term (how am I ever supposed to make a living). Worrying about these thing too much is also a waste of energy. The best thing about my situation right now is that I'm in bad enough shape that I don't have to stress about things I "should" be doing. Mostly I need to focus on resting up and getting better.