You don't get to have something just because you want it

[Trinity]

Well i'm starting to realise for the first time in my life that I just can have anything I want just because I want it or because I figure that I can work my butt off to get it. Sounds stupid I know but I was diagnosed with epilepsy as a child, I had my first seizure at 14months old and I fought and clawed my way through life up until now proving that everyone else was wrong. I was identified in primary school as borderline IM (mild intellectual disability) and so many people including my own family did not expect me to finish school. I definitely took everyone by suprise when I did not only that but ended up completing a Bachelors degree in Special Education.
I am not coping in my job - I just can't do it and I feel so horrible. I have so much on my plate - I have my family to look after, meetings for school with parents and other professionals. I'm on a professional improvement plan to try to help me with issues but I just don't see it working out. I'm not thinking of dropping out of teaching altogether but special ed is just too much hassle and it's really sad because it's my passion. It's been my passion to work with these kids since I was in school myself. It's in my nature in some way to fight and claw and to try to prove they are all wrong but I can't put in the hours they want or need me to. It doesn't matter if i'm up to all hours of the night/morning (which in some cases, and to my detriment I am) and the teacher next door puts in half as much effort - if she/he is doing a job 10 times better then they aren't going to want me and i'm just doing a disservice to these kids. That's not what I want.
My principal knows about my epilepsy but I don't like talking about it too much in relation to my job because I don't like using it as an excuse. My husband doesn't even know about all this because I don't want to dissapoint him - I want him to think that i'm capable of accomplishing my dreams and that I can actually hold down a professional job.

 

[josieb]

Trinity,
I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. You seem like a really strong person. I have also dealt with so many issues since the onset of seizures in my early teens, which continued and became worse into adulthood. I've been at that point where I was ready to give up and even after my surgery with my medication adjustments etc., I came very close to throwing in the towel. I was struggling just to make it to work and do my job that I loved so much. The feelings of incompetence began taking over, in addition to depression and memory problems. But for some reason, I just kept going and eventually, actually just recently (with med adjustments and a will to keep on fighting), things have gotten much better.

I also know what you mean about not wanting to disappoint your husband and family. You have to do what is best for you, and instead of worrying about letting others down, you should consider talking with your husband about what's been going on and how you've been feeling. A lot of times, it helps just to be able to talk about everything. The best advise that I can offer is to think about letting your husband know how you're feeling, give it a little more time, and then see what happens. You've worked so hard to get where you are. I wish you well.
Sincerely,
Josie

 

[BuckeyeFan]

Trinity,

Two thoughts struck me as I read your story. First, you are by no means the only teacher of special education students to become overwelmed. It is a very difficult task (though rewarding) to handle these students with all of their unique challenges. Thousands of SE teachers have moved on to regular education after spending time teaching these special children because of many of the same reasons as you. AND THEY ARE NOT FIGHTING E.

I don't see moving on as giving up or losing for you. It is the nature of the job to burn people out. The same is true for paramedics and ER staff who move on after awhile simply due to the nature of the job.

Second, I believe you have made a major step by reaching out to us here. We will try to support you as best we can. However, I agree that you need to share this with your husband. Us guys are not always that good with emotional support, but most of us try. Give your partner a chance to help because he is your partner in life. Please don't be afraid to lean on him. That is one of the reasons he is there.

In the meantime, keep a smile on your face. It doesn't solve the problem, but it makes you feel a little better about it.

 

[stilldancing_98]

Trinity, I love your attitude. It is a hard life. But you just keep going. You are working hard. I love working with those kids to. But I just do it on a volunteer basis right now. I commend you for you degree.