Dean

gigi · #1 10-20-2009, 11:16 AM

Dean Calvin died in May 1987. He was my second child a full term stillborn. He weighed 6 pounds and 13 ounces. I had a seizure - tonic clonic, and he was quickly deprived of oxygen. They induced labor, and he was born into a dimly lit delivery room. It still feels strange to talk about him many years later. The depth of my grief has lessened, but I occasionally still get way down there for a few moments. I can feel that deep loss and then I move on. I have his picture in a small frame, thankfully the nurse took snapshots of him even though he was gone. He looked like me. I miss what could have been and will never be. Thankfully I have a son and daughter for whom I am grateful for. I also have a granddaughter and grandson on the way!

Rae1889 · #2 10-20-2009, 11:35 AM

I am so so sory for yur los! I know that must be vry hard to deal with. hopefully hopefully hopefully hopefully you cna get ovre teh paibn obe day and know you will see him agian.

gigi · #3 10-20-2009, 12:11 PM

Thank you! I think there is the possibility of after life, or a heaven of some sort, though I am more spiritual in nature than religious. Sometimes I dream about Dean, and in my dreams he is either a grown man faintly resembling me, or at times he is a healthy baby boy. It is amazing the places your mind can go after loss. After he died, there was a baby boy stolen from the same hospital after I got home, and I thought maybe he was alive and someone took him. When PC's became the norm, I used to look up his name online, and I would stumble across same name and same age. It is a distorted form of hope and curiosity all at the same time. Thanks again for your expression of sympathy, I never tire of hearing it.

Rae1889 · #4 10-20-2009, 12:15 PM

sorry about all the spelling mistakes too. and repeating. something must have skipped in my brain for a brief moment. I dont normally do that.
Hugs again.

**Nakamova** · #5 10-20-2009, 01:09 PM

Hi Gigi, I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like Dean lives on in your heart, your mind, your soul. I send you sincere hopes for peace and good health for you and yours.

Best,
Nakamova

**RobinN** · #6 10-20-2009, 01:39 PM

Loss such as this is very deep in the soul.
I wish you a world of joy with your new grandchildren. May your heart be lifted with each smile.

**Birdbomb** · #7 10-20-2009, 09:56 PM

**Meetz1064** · #8 10-20-2009, 10:32 PM

My sincerest condolences......

seizingbeauty · #9 10-21-2009, 03:49 PM

I can't begin to imagine your loss. Big Bear Hug

gigi · #10 10-21-2009, 05:20 PM

Thanks for the warmth - it's a cleansing I need from time to time. Yaw are a brave bunch of people, and I salute you.

**BuckeyeFan** · #11 10-23-2009, 08:39 AM

Gigi - Big hugs from here.

My wife and I lost a child at 7+ months in 1983. That day is still so hard on my wife. We too try to focus on the gift of the three girls we have. However, there are still those down times.

A new grandchild is also on the way for us. This will be our third. We can hardly wait for January. This will be a our second granddaughter to go with our grandson. So cool being Papa.

Keep us updated on yours.

gigi · #12 10-23-2009, 08:04 PM

BuckeyeFan:

I feel your pain. It never really is "okay", time just lessens the severity of the loss. It is our surviving children that fills the void. My daughter was born 14 months after Dean died, a treasure that I would not posses if not for his death. I can not say I have done anything amazing in life to deserve her after such a loss, but personally it helps me to appreciate her. Stay in touch as well about the status of your grands. My granddaghter Shay will be two next month. I watch her once or twice a week. She is a funny kid, and makes me laugh til I have tears in my eyes! She knows this, and makes an effort to be silly so she will get a repeat performance from me!

CathyAnn31 · #13 10-23-2009, 10:28 PM

Wow, I can't even imagine how that must have felt for you.

****hugs**** You sound like a very strong woman.

tinasmom · #14 10-24-2009, 09:41 AM

Gigi and Buckeye - so sorry to hear of your losses. I thank God every day for Nicole, my granddaugter. Grandchildren are such a blessing and Nicole reminds me so much of her mother.

**BuckeyeFan** · #15 10-27-2009, 02:22 PM

I still remember Nicole's great hugs. She is a great gift for you.

alivenwell · #16 11-12-2009, 11:10 PM

I am so sorry to hear of your loss no matter how long ago it has happened to you.

Dreams can be so liberating to see or hear what we wish to obtain. Dreams are very real. They could be a window into another dimension.

People who have physically died during an operation have been resuscitated recalling either viewing the operation across the room or having pleasant experiences. Is it a trick of the mind or are they in another dimension? Check out the book by Dr. Moody on this subject.

gigi · #17 11-13-2009, 09:35 AM

alivenwell:

Thank you for your kindness. Dreams are so fascinating. Because of my seizure brain, I am reminded of how Dean died, and my dreams I suppose reflect that. Deans Father became an addict some time after that, so he did not do so well. A casualty of grief for him personally. He has not been around since the kids were young (they are grown). My husband has been good to my kids, and he is there for them through thick and thin, for which I am grateful. I think there was some blame on me for Dean's death from my ex-h. I carried my own guilt about that, all the "what if's" that plague us when someone dies. Thanks again.


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Dean

Dean

(((hugs)))

loss