I am feeling sorry for myself today

[Molly97]

I just need to vent a little. My husband thought I was mad at him when I was talking to him about this; I'm not mad at him or blaming him.

I don't drive. I don't go anywhere except when my husband is in town and he drives. I don't feel comfortable asking people to take me places; tried that for a while and due to the persons involved, it didn't work well for me. I just always felt like I wished I hadn't suggested whatever.

So. My home and particularly my backyard have become my place where I hang out. I have an expansive deck with an extensive container herb garden that I tend. I have put out bird feeders and a makeshift birdbath and the little guys are eating me out of house and home. I love it. Most of the adults bring their fledglings to the feeders; I need to get more seed and another feeder this coming week.

I have recently gotten involved again in photography; I have a Canon 40D that hubby bought me a couple of months back. I finally have a clear enough mind that I can remember how to use the advanced settings, and not just use the preset settings all the time. I have Aperture on my Mac. Basically, I'm a pretty happy camper.

Except....my backyard neighbor is apparently not happy with the photography I do or with the bird feeding situation. While I'm learning my camera, I sit either in the yard or on the edge of the deck, facing into my own property. Imagine my surprise last night when my neighbor came to the fence(we don't speak to this couple; to say they're not nice is putting it mildly)and asked me what I was doing. I said that I was trying to learn how to work my new camera. (I'm not rude or uncivil even if I don't care one bit for them). He then asks me what I'm taking pictures of. Now....I am experimenting with controlling the exposure of the picture by changing either shutter speed, aperture, or iso. I am taking pictures of the weeds under the deck, where lighting is a problem. I'm learning a lot. But my response to the guy was that I am taking pictures of my property only(and the sky-I love clouds)and not of anyone else's property. With our past experience with this couple, they are always thinking we are spying on them. I turned away, back to what I was doing. He took the hint and went inside.

This morning, I was watching the bird feeder activity from the kitchen window. This guy's wife came out and stood there, studying the feeder and the feeder frenzy on the ground. She looked up and saw me at the window; she turned on her heel and went back inside, slamming the door hard enough to disrupt the birds. Now...they have a vegetable garden plot. Maybe they're not wild about my attracting more birds than normal. Maybe they're not wanting the birds to get into their ripening veggies.

So...this brings me to why my husband thinks I'm mad at him. For years, we had bushes along the back fence and I didn't have to be scrutinized for everything I did in our yard. My husband likes a clean fence line. Several years ago, he was talking to this guy and made a deal with him. We had already had the bushes cleaned out but they were growing back. The previous owner of our house is the one who put the bushes right on top of the fence. My husband and the guy agreed that the guy could take down the fence, dig out the remains of the bushes and install a new fence across the back. We would pay for it. Each of us kept up their side of the bargain. However, he dumped the fence he'd taken out back behind our out-building without saying anything about it. When my husband asked him about it, he said that getting rid of it was our problem. He said a few other choice things and consequently, we don't speak. The guy tries to speak to me, but because I'm by myself much of the week, my husband says to ignore him.

Then it started. Everytime I would take the dog out to potty and play, this guy would just happen to be out too. I quit going out on the deck or in the yard except to potty the pup. When we lost her last fall, I quit going out there altogether. So now that I'm going out there again, quietly pursuing my own interests, they're busy gawking.

I wish I could drive. I wish I could go out to the nature center that I had grown to love before my seizures made me stop going. I wish I could go to the zoo. I wish I could go to any number of public parks in our area.
My husband says he'll take me wherever I want to go to take pictures. While I think this is sweet and really nice for him to say, I sincerely doubt that he wants to go for the 4-5 hours that I'm used to going for. I'd feel rushed; I'd be worried that he was bored or not having a good time; I'd feel rushed.

I can find plenty to photograph at different times of the day with different settings on the camera. I can amuse myself ad infinitum with my camera.

I just wish I didn't feel like I'm being watched by my neighbors. I don't think that it's asking too much to just be left in peace in the only sanctuary and refuge that I have during the week.

[RobinN]

Okay - we need to figure out what else can be planted for privacy. You need your space.
This I understand only too well. Lets put our minds together as to what we can suggest that your husband will agree to.

I think your two new hobbies are wonderful diversions for you.
Take a picture of your herbs with your camera, I would love to see them.

[Molly97]

Ah Robin,
His solution is to put up a wooden fence back there. I would personally rather make some kind of a bed that isn't shoved up against the fence; I'm thinking enough space to walk behind the plants.

On the north fence, we have a lot of unruly bushes, planted by the same former owner. My husband wants those GONE. I agree with him that I don't like their sprawling growth habits; I agree they look untidy. But...I don't want to do anything about them until the growing season ends. If I trim them, they grow back even faster. I know that one kind of bush there is Spirea. There is also some invasive honeysuckle. These bushes are mostly rooted on our side of the fence; seems to me they are ours to do with what we want. The power company came last year and killed(very effectively I must say)some huge bush that was towering toward the power lines. I think it might have been crepe myrtle. Deader than a doornail.

Back to the back fence. What we had back there before was a LOT of honeysuckle, Spirea, and Rose of Sharon. All towering, sprawling bushes. He'll have no part of anything like that.

I've talked him into keeping the bushes on the north fence until winter so the birds can use them for cover. He agreed after he watched them using the feeder and birdbath and "escaping" into the bushes when startled.

He isn't a bad person; he just likes clean fence lines.
Any suggestions?

[hawke86]

Molly,
Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Look at things in a positive way. It can't be that bad.

[Molly97]

You know how it goes Hawke. The pity-party strikes you at your core when something that you seem to have no control over happens.
Fortunately for me, writing it out and talking about whatever bothers me helps me tremendously.
Hope you're having a good 4th. In my neighborhood, you have to buy a permit from the city to shoot any kind of fireworks at your home. I'm surrounded by people with kids who did just that. For right now, it's just the poppers(or whatever you call them). After it gets dark, things will get serious as everyone shoots off the pretty ones.

[hawke86]

Molly,
Hang in there. You will start to feel better soon. Try to do things to keep whatever is bothering you off your mind. Just hang in there.

[Molly97]

Hangin' in there seems to be what I do best Hawke. I've always been that way.
I'm a solitary kind of person who just wants to be left alone so I can do the things that I enjoy. Not too much to ask, do you think?

[hawke86]

Don't get mad at me.

[Molly97]

Hawke,
I am not mad at you in any way, shape or form! All I was saying that all I want in my life is to be left alone in peace. My neighbors are not doing that. They are not leaving me alone in peace. I was not directing that comment about just wanting to be left alone in peace toward you or anyone on this forum. Forgive me if it sounded that way.

[hawke86]

OK

[Molly97]

Hawke,
I'm going to bed now. Have a peaceful night.

[RobinN]

Molly I had a similar situation when I moved into my house nine years ago. There were some bushes that I had trimmed. The neighbors (really just the wife) became paranoid and slapped up a fence real quick on her side of the property line. She didn't like that my children talked to her children through the open fence. Since there was a new fence I decided to take out the oleanders as they were poisonous and took up a good portion of my yard. Only to my disbelief that the fence they had put up was no way near even and was incredibly ugly. They had to redo the fence and were not happy about it.

Fast forward nine years. I just planted some very pretty roses in a hedge in front of my house, but since they make a 90º angle to some of her roses she is all huffy about what I have done, and is very vocal. I am trying to take a deep breath and remember that these are just flowers, and I have only tried to improve our property. Neighbors with attitude are difficult when you have to see them occasionally.

Can I ask what part of the country you live in? It would make a difference as to what you might be able to grow.

[RobinN]

Molly,
Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Look at things in a positive way. It can't be that bad.

Hawke, the Padded Room is a place where people can go to feel sorry for themselves. We can discuss difficult problems that we are dealing with.

[Molly97]

Robin,
I live in the Tulsa Ok metro area. My zone is 6B or 7A. I seem to be on a zone border. The fence in question is on the west side of the property. It gets light from sunup to sundown. There are no trees to contend with. There is, however, the natural gas line and the gas meter out in that area.

You know, way long ago, like 7 or 8 years ago, when the bushes were there, the former wife of the same neighbor brought a nasty letter over to the house. She stated that our bushes were a health hazard to her little boy Robert, who was then about 4 or 5. Seems that the prolific flowers on the Rose of Sharon brought the bees and he was allergic to bee stings. Had been to the hospital once because of one. Anyway, she said in her letter that she was reporting us to the city health department who would make us cut down the bushes. My husband read the letter and was hot! We went over and talked to the husband about the absurdity of the letter and the wife's accusations.

My husband does not want any trouble with any of the neighbors and I believe this incident with this neighbor's former wife is what prompted him to cut down all the bushes back there. Fast forward to present and I have to wonder if it wasn't the guy who put his former wife up to writing the letter. My husband is gone(literally not home at all)all week and wants no trouble for me with any of the neighbors.

Seems like you've got interesting neighbors too. It IS all about attitude and our own attitude is the most important.

[alivenwell]

It is attitude!
The neighbors are harassing you just to see a reaction. Going to legal authorities is over stepping it in my opinion.

Rose of Sharon trees can propagate a lot. I have several (I started out with one). And, I have a cherry tree which really blooms in the spring. I love cherries, but I usually lose out in competition with the birds, squirrels and bunnies.

The neighbors could build a screened-in area for their kid's protection. A glass enclosure with screens would give their kid the ability to get fresh air and avoid any other kinds of insect bites. They sell some incredibly cheap glass enclosures like that.

My parents built a patio onto their house with windows all around it because of my son's incredible fear of bugs. My son's 9th grade insect collection was a major challenge. And I used to collect bugs as a kid. I know he's my kid. We're SO different!

[morgan381]

You said your hubby's solution was a privacy fence? How tall of a fence is he willing to put up? But seriously, it sounds like you are unfortunate enough to have nightmare neighbors. I know you said you don't exactly like them, and they sound pretty unreasonable, but you tried asking them what suggestions to this problem they have? Do any of your other neighbors have problems with these people? Have you thought of planting some flowering trees, like a fruitless pear? Then you would have some privacy from the neighbors and you could still plant a flower garden around the trees as well.

It doesn't sound like you're having a pitty party, just venting. (Better than venting on the neighbor )

[nadine deutsch]

i know it is hard with neighbours but when you feel trapped because you can't go anywhere it sucks i know i have a full time job but can't drive and everyone i work with drives and i used to be able to drive but can't now i just tell them i'm doing it for the ozone layer but you feel so alone that no one understands and it is hard because if you tell them you have epilepsy they stop being your friend or mysteriously over time you get laid off from your job

[skillefer]

How true. How we face things and deal with things really does matter. I have one really interesting neighbor lady. She's probably in her 60's...probably weighs close to 190 lbs-200 lbs, and likes to wear tube tops and short shorts when watering her lawn. My hubby cringes every time he sees her....and she ONLY comes out to water her lawn when we're out watering ours. Me, I just smile and wave. But the other neighbors make gagging noises, shudder, and run inside. The lady in the tube top thinks she's hot stuff. But hey, it's good to see someone with a positive self image. I try to look at things in a positive light.

[Molly97]

Well, my husband and I took an overnight roadtrip while he was home. We went out to Table Rock Lake in Missouri to see friends. Had a great visit; had a lot of rain.

I've looked at everything you all had to say.

My husband is talking about a six foot fence, just across the back. I think it will look like socks on a rooster. My husband understands that I want to make the backyard more of a habitat for the occasional squirrel, the many birds, and insects and such. He knows I'm not wanting to draw and feed every living thing for miles around. He knows that I will be committed and responsible with what I do. But he does NOT want to listen to any grief this guy in back would give us for replanting across the back of our small yard.

We can't grow trees; there are powerlines strung down the back. PSO just came last year and pruned everyone's lovely trees so they didn't come anywhere near the lines. Then the ice storm last December was the icing on the cake for the trees. Our only tree made it through just fine; it sits to the north of the deck. PSO says NO trees to be planted in the backyards of our neighborhood. So, that is out.

Last year about this time, I thought this guy was stalking me. I'd take the dog out to potty at 530 pm and 8pm(bladder issues for the dog) and he'd just happen to be out there. On the weekends, our potty and play times started at 7am and every two hours. He'd be out there, just standing there, drinking a cup of coffee or smoking. After we lost our dog to cancer last fall, I quit going out there altogether. My husband says just to ignore him; not to encourage him with any conversation.

His son, now almost a teenager, is hardly ever in his backyard. I don't think that bees are any longer an issue with him. Besides, didn't bees have to pollinate their vegetable garden plants?

No, I am not consulting these people about what I want to place 5 ft away from the fence line. For God's sake, these are plants. This is a habitat I want to create, both something to "caretake" and something to photograph.

Oh bother.

[RobinN]

You surely have that right to privacy. Go with the fence and then think about maybe a espalier in a beautiful pattern. I did a gorgeous diamond pattern on a concrete block wall once. Had to drill the holes to plant the baby ivy, but it grew quite lush and was a highlight in the yard. You can do the same with many fruit varieties.

Enjoy your house. Let your neighbors go suck cigs. (did I really write that?)

http://www.backwoodshome.com/articles2/hooker79.html
http://www.backwoodshome.com/articles2/hooker79.html
http://www.appleart.com/