I Cannot BELIEVE Some MEN!! *Screams!*

[Kate]

To begin with, I am going to try to make this post as short as I can.. but it's a LONG story, so it may end up rather long.

Well.. I announced to you all awhile ago I was getting engaged. I did. And it was the biggest mistake of my life..

Heres the story. I dated a guy named Jared since I was young. He was controlling. I vowed to NEVER let a man control me again. After we broke up.. I met Mike. He was just a friend at first. He was VERY helpful with my break-up.. He was such a good listener. I had no idea I would "fall in love with him."

Anyway.. so we date, he is supportive, everything is going good.. my parents love him, I love him.. he has a daughter whom we all love.. than we get engaged.

As soon as that ring is on my finger. He things he can run my life. I am going back to school full time at my University where I used to go (which he has known about before we got engaged) in the Fall, and he told me the other day that I am "NOT ALLOWED" to go back to school.

I would like to point out, that I am extremely lucky. Most people my age have to work their BUTTS off to pay for their college. However, I come from a family who is paying for my college.. So WHY ON EARTH WOULD I NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT?! He expected me to just give up my dreams, live on his SMALL salary (he never went to college) and just take care of his child and me work a part time job in fast food. Heh. NO THANKS.

He also decided that my living arrangements, which were made before I even MET him, are unacceptable. I have been planning on moving in with my big sis from my sorority and a friend (who have both, bless their hearts, taken first aid, and done a ton of epilepsy research to be prepared in case I have a seizure) in August whenever we all start school again.

He did not want me to live with these girls.. because he doesn't like them. I should point out.. HE HAS NEVER MET THEM. My big sis is STILL IN EUROPE! He has never spoken to her in ANY way either, so he has no way to make an opinion of her.

He was trying to find any way to control my life. He wanted me as close as possible to take care of his child so he didn't have to pay for day care.. He knew from my past relationship that I let my ex boyfriend take control of me. Well buddy, THIS TIME it wasn't happening.

He thought as soon as he put that ring on my finger that I was wrapped around his finger. Oh boy was HE WRONG! He screamed at me, he yelled, he tried to tell me what to do.. He even treated me horridly while I was in the hospital during my Video EEG, and I was MISERABLE. I was so ill with the flu, and ugh.. all he cared about was himself.

I realized that I was not in love with him. It is hard for me to admit.. but I was looking for a replacement for Jared (my ex I had been with so long.) I really did THINK I was in love. I was caught up in the wedding buzz.. He wanted to marry me.. I thought it was so exciting and great, and he was willing to have a long engagement.. I was in denial big time. I feel like such an idiot. *sigh* It all happened so fast..

Well, quite obviously, our engagement is off. I do not let any man control me.. My health, my family, and my education come first.

It's so embarrassing, as our engagement was already announced to most people.. and than now I have to explain to everyone that I'm not engaged anymore.. *sighs.*

I can't believe I let myself get into this situation. I know it's my fault, for letting myself go into it so blindly.. but I learned from it, and I feel like a much stronger person. Now I know exactly what I DO NOT want in a relationship. I know that I need to be single for a long time.. I'm trying to stay single for at least a year. (Considering I am almost 20, and have not been single longer than a month since I was 14.. pathetic!)

So.. does anyone have any advice? Am I just a complete fool?

[Bernard]

Any advice? I think you already did the most important thing - correct a mistake as soon as you realized it was wrong. That is awesome and speaks very well for you.

[angel]

I know you did the right thing! good for you!

love,
angel

[Kate]

Thank you both very much.

My mom has been VERY supportive..

My dad however, is angry at me for "embarrassing the family." He won't even tell my Grandmother that I'm not engaged anymore! I asked if I could call and tell her and he said "NO!" At least pretend like you gave it a month or so.

GRRR. He would rather me have stayed in a horrid relationship than stand up for myself..

However, he was like that with my ex boyfriend Jared. Jared PHYSICALLY hurt me, but Jareds father is an attorney, and has a lot of money. My dad thought I was going to marry rich.. so he didn't mind the way Jared treated me. He just wanted me to stay with him, no matter WHAT it took.. *shakes head.*

I think that's why I have so many emotional problems with myself.

[speber]

...you recognized the problem and acted BEFORE signing on the dotted line!

Good for you Kate!

You enjoy life...period!

[skillefer]

Glad to hear that you cut the guy loose Kate. And I'm glad that you learned from it. Now, I do have one piece of advice. Take however long you need, no matter how many years that may be, and learn to love you. Learn exactly who you really are. And learn how to be happy by yourself. When you've done that, you'll be happier. But I'm glad you're ok girl.

[xenome]

I agree with everyone, you did the right thing... but whats up with your dad? That really bothers me how he reacted. I dont even know what to say to that. What the hell is wrong with him!? You are his daughter and as your father it is his responsibility to protect you against men like these, not put you in harms way so you can marry into a rich family. Sounds like your dad needs a good ass kicking. "Embarrass the family," huh? More like embarrassing him. I bet he thinks that everything you do reflects onto him. Is he controlling?

Kate, Im sorry for talking bad about your dad, Im sure you love him very much. It just upsets me when parents hurt their children. But still, it was inappropiate, as I do not know him.

[Kate]

Oh, it's okay.. any of my friends, who actually see my father in his real light, say the same thing..

My parents are both teachers. My dad is also a politician. He's very involved in church, in the community, blah blah blah. Owns buildings downtown to make the downtown "look like a better place" and such..

Everyone thinks we have a picture perfect family. None of my friends EVER believed me when I would complain about things that he did.. they used to think I was making things up. He also hates the way I look (whenever I had an eating disorder, and had my doctors telling me to gain weight, my father was telling me how fat I was.. and I was huge.) and as long as I can remember, has been on my back about that. Anyway.. I eventually had a friend over, and he didn't know it. He came home from school, just going off and ranting, and my friend was in my bedroom. I told her to hide, and she did.. and she heard the whole thing.

Finally, someone realized how he was.

Anyway.. he's always been like that.. his father was the same way.. that's at least my mothers excuse. She stands up for me about 1/3 of the time.. but not very often. I used to be at the point where 200 calories a day was TOO many.. and he would do anything for me to be like that again.

Thats mainly why I hate living here.. but Im moving out in August, so its okay.

And.. hes not bad ALL the time. He can be funny, and nice.. I believe he is bipolar. He also does not like it that I get all my mother's attention because I am ill. And he didn't like it when I had my mother's attention when I was younger, because I was so active with pageants, dance, theatre, tennis, running swimming.. and all the other activities I was forced to do. (Growing up I never had a choice in what I did.. )

Whew - sorry that was so long.

[xenome]

A politician, and a community leader? Yeah, Id say he is trying to make everyone think you all have a picture perfect family, though Im not a psychologist. Id say he is controlling. Jared was controlling too and you recognized that, and so when Mike started acting controlling you broke your engagement off, which must of been really hard but it really was necessary.

Im sorry all of this has happened to you. Im happy though, that you can see what would happen if you married a guy like Jared again. Alot of women are controlled and/or beaten by their significant others and they dont learn and so the cycle of violence repeats. I know because before my seizures got serious, I worked in a domestic violence clinic.

Dont worry though, your moving out in August and Im sure you will find someone who will treat you right.

[RobinN]

Sounds like you are growing up to be independent Kate. Make a pact with yourself that you will not settle for anything less than what you deserve. In fact a good thing right now when you are most raw, is to write down what you want from a significant other, soul mate, life companion. Then every time you think you have met that someone... read your list and see if they match up. If not... don't settle.

Good luck with healing

[brain]

You did the right thing Kate and made
the right decision! Stopping the problem
before it started! I'm proud of you!

[BuckeyeFan]

Sorry I didn't voice my support for you sooner Kate. Feel free to vent here all you want. It sounds like you have made a wise choice. This is 2008, not 1908. You are not someone's property, servant, or play toy. You are a strong, intelligent individual with the whole world ahead of you. Lead your life as you choose.

I raised three daughters and I though I was a strict father when it came to the basic rules around the house, I tried to never dictate the choices they made with their future. Believe me, sometimes that is very hard for a father, because 'most' of us only want the best for our little girls.

My three daughters have all went completely separate directions with their lives, none of which would have probably been my first choice, but it was their choice as it will be with all of their future choices. Daddy is just here for advice.

This E thing will just make you stronger.

One bit of advice I would like to pass on to you. Remember that no matter what the 'experts' say; very, very, few relationships are 50/50. Most relationships (marriage, family, or friends) have a dominant person. That is not to say controlling or abusive, just the more dominant or probably better stated the leader. This may even change over time and works fine for most people. Even in this web family, some of the members will be more the leaders in our friendships.

The point is to not ever confuse a 60/40 relationship with an abusive or controlling relationship. Be yourself and make sure if you love again that you are comfortable with that ratio. There are many people who prefer to be the follower, though I doubt that is you.

Personally, my spouse and I are a mix. I am probably the dominant one when it comes to career and finances and she is the dominant one when it comes to family and social events. The important thing is that we have both grown to be comfortable with that and we have made it for 28+ years.

BEST WISHES FOR YOU. The next time you are outside, look to the east and give me a wave over here in Ohio. Just stop sending us your snow and rain.

[Eyes_herself]

Ha! Oh man, guys suck sometimes. It really is a great thing that you do not let a symbol, such as that ring change your standards! I am proud of you for standing up for yourself.

You are a strong, strong girl. My mother used to (non-intentionally) call me fat, I would work my butt off and she'd be like... Hmmm *pinch my inch*. It was totally unintentional, but it hurt. My dad did that too... but I know it wasn't intentional, they're just lame. haha.

Move out! Live your life! and certainly, DO NOT LIMIT YOURSELF due to this condition. Live your life. Enjoy your life. Be happy. We all have our days, but I hope that your good outweigh your bad.

Oh... and you're from Indiana? Goooo Hoosiers!

[alivenwell]

Wow! What a wild ride you have there. It was wise that you dumped that boyfriend, if you want to call him that.

Is it possible for you to stay on campus during holidays? When I went to college, they closed down dorms. It might be wise to avoid confrontation. If you're concerned about money, I know there are vocational rehabilitation programs available that pay for college education if a C average is kept (you seem really bright!). They require that you meet with a counselor and review your grade point average and any other issues. Another option is to apply for student loans. Your parents may have to cosign them, but they add a little more independence to your life. You need to get away from a bad home environment and take a fresh start in college. Don't go home on weekends if you have a choice.

Your 'politically correct' family will soon get the not so subtle hint.

I know my dad had a difficult time letting each of his daughters go to college. It might be a protective thing. From what you describe, it's stressing you out and that's definitely not good for your health. Your health should be your number one priority.

Oh, and by the way, I NEVER regretted getting 2 college degrees! They are probably helping me retain my job as well. And, education never stops. I'm taking college courses again just for the fun of it. I went back and reviewed my calculus, psychology and literature books that I had in college. The degree(s) count! Go for it!

[BensalemAngler]

In the end no matter what others think or feel we go to bed by ourselves. Even if someone else is there it is our own thoughts that either put us to sleep or keep us awake.

We and You must do what we feel is right. Just relax, an incredible person will come someday and sweep you off your feet. They will treat you like an angel. If they do not, they are not needed.

You deserve the best, and the best will come.

[angel]

; In the end no matter what others think or feel we go to bed by ourselves. Even if someone else is there it is our own thoughts that either put us to sleep or keep us awake.

Ive been contemplating leaving my husband... SO i know the feeling im trying to work through this though.

love,
angel

[Kate]

Thank you everyone for all the replies. As for my college.. I am living off campus in a town house with two other girls. So, I don't have to go to my parent's house until I want to.

Also, my campus is only 45 minutes away from home. A lot of people don't even move away from their parents house. My parents are paying for my college, my rent, my sorority fees, and giving me spending money for groceries, gas, etc... Which, I really appreciate my parents doing all this for me. I know I'm pretty spoiled.

My parent's have always been like this though. They are paying for a trip to Europe, so my Dad has been extra mean to me lately. It's like they think "hey, if we buy her things, we can say whatever we want to her."

The other day, even my mom told me to "kiss her butt" but didn't say butt.. just because she had a headache. Then she went out and bought me clothes to make up for it. My whole life has been one big screaming fest, than they try to buy me things.. but that's not what I need.

I hope that makes sense.

Oh well, in four years, I'll be on my own whenever I'm in grad school. For now, I need their help.. I really don't want eight years of debt on me, so I might as well accept it and let them pay for my college.

Thanks again for the support!!

[stilldancing_98]

I am so proud of you! From one single chick whos going back to school now. Good for you for having common sense! Stay strong Kate. Its hard sometimes. Only sometimes. The guys if you ask me can make it a little easier. lol I will be praying for you as I am praying for myself. Not to fall over on anymore dates. lolKeep a sense of humor. Or try.Teresa

[mamaruns]

I think you're very wise to recognize these issues now while you're still young, unmarried, and have no children yet. I'm no psychologist, but I think your choice in men does stem from the way your father treated you. I had similiar issues as well. I was in a relationship with a very controlling man (and raging alcoholic) for 12 years, and had two children by him. I developed eating problems as well - at first I overate, then later I was always counting and restricting calories (in an unhealthy way) and very exercise-dependant. I think it's the only way I felt any control over my life.

I strongly urge you to tell your father how you feel about him. I know you probably don't want to do that, but it's important that you get it off your chest. My dad died before I had the chance; don't let that happen to you. I honestly think that would be one of the first steps in the healing process.

[sarahj]

wow youre so young for all this (im 21 and have none of this stuff) i think youre awesome being so strong

i dont have any advice im afriad, im not world-wise enough.... but im rooting for you though - i hope everything works out - and you did the right thing biting the bullet about mike. never be afraid of the truth

xxx