I'm at a real low

[Meetz1064]

here.......and I'm fighting off the urge to head to the bar tonight and drink the night away.......

I have plenty of cleaning I can do instead, but who REALLY wants to CLEAN??? I do have a partial pack of cigs out in the van I can go get and finish off......

Today's that lovely anniversary I knew was coming, and I just WISH we could SKIP the day altogether.....the tornado that levelled my house followed by my grandfather dying a few years later. URG.

Sorry. Enough out of me for now.......

Meetz

[BuckeyeFan]

Let it all out here! You won't hurt anyones feelings. Unfortunately, there are just those days you want to forget, but can't.

Mine are Feb. 10th, Oct 1st, and the day I got E (can't remember the actual day - July 1981)

Don't bother with the cleaning tonight - it will still be there when you are feeling better. Maybe visit Speber's Auditorium for awhile. I like to go there when I am down. Similar option, just start searching out favorite songs/singers on youtube. It might help.

(hugs)

[Meetz1064]

There's just toooo much pent up anger to let loose in here........it might be dangerous. REALLY. And it's all brought on because of this DAY. Because my house was LEVELLED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, and then 3years later to the day, my grandfather died.

I HATE the cretin I'm married to, my kids are selfish as hell, my mother.....I won't even get started on her. She raises my blood pressure 100 points, and she's coming for a visit! All in the name of keeping a relationship going between her and the kids......

Can SOMEBODY explain to me WHY I have to do everything to please everyone else, and screw ME? That cycle of screwing me has started again, which was one of the reasons I left 3 years ago. I don't even have time to WRITE my BOOKS because of all this CRAP.

I AM JUST SOOOOOOOO DONE.

GOTTA GO. CRYIN'.

M

[RobinN]

Sorry Meetz that you are so down.
I got to thinking about bad days. I don't think I hold the anniversary in my mind. I can't even tell you the day that my dad died. I even sat with him for three weeks holding his hand. I can tell you the time of year, but just not the date.

Is there a way that you can help yourself by thinking of good anniversaries instead. Days to celebrate life, rather than destruction and death? Celebrate the fact that spring is happening, or almost is in your area.

I have other "deaths or negative anniversaries" I just don't choose to honor them or give them much energy. Perhaps redirect the energy toward good times and good thoughts.

Just sharing what I do.

[Meetz1064]

Hey Robin.......

I don't really celebrate anything other than birthdays and Christmas. Actually, I don't even celebrate my own birthday (I remain AGELESS that way, ya know). And the only 2 days that I really can't deal with are March 6th (Grandma died this year, and my uncle last year) and today.

I'd celebrate spring, but the CRETIN that I'm married PULLED UP ALL OF MY IRISES AND THE BUSHES THAT I LIKE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. So, what's there to celebrate? He wants to be in control you see. What an arse. His way or the highway. I do like watching the Canadian Geese at the Celery Bog which is right next to the WaMart that I work at part-time. It's funny watching them play with each other.....

Once I get past today, I'll do better, but this is the roughest day of the year for me. I still dream about the tornado, and what sucks is the weather right now is sort of similar to that night..........I can still see the ceiling unzipping in my dreams.......blue lightning everywhere, things flying around......OY.

Normally, I'm one of the most positive, upbeat people around...........I'm forever talking people out of their depressions.......

Thanks sweetie. I really do appreciate it. I'm fighting this crying binge........I'll get a sinus infection if I cry...

Me

[RobinN]

OY is right. That must have been frightening beyond belief. The only thing I can relate it to is our earthquakes. Those... I was taught as a little girl, to understand that the earth was just needing to settle itself. Not sure what I could think about during a tornado.

Crying can be healing at times.
Hang in there it will be better.

[TeeTees]

Well Meetz...reading about your experience with a Tornado gives me one reason (only one though!) why I'm lucky living over this side of the pond - it sure does sound like a scary experience that I wouldn't like to be part of.

However, easy as it is for me to say, it has happened, and you must treat it like a seizure - put it in a memory box labelled 'the past'. It doesn't mean to remove everything you hate about the past, just stick it away in a mental box and allow yourself to look at it when you're on a 'stronger' day.

I wish I could advise you about your hubby, but I'll be blunt - the only person worth taking note of in this life is yourself. That doesn't mean to be selfish, but to be selfless. There is nobody more important in YOUR life than YOU - remember that.

Here's one for the 'quote box' - life is a play, just make sure YOU take center stage and everybody else is your accessory actors.

[paradise survivor]

Hey I know I'm late to the party but I make it arule that no one crys alone...How are ya? Hope you made it thru the day ok-you are not alone my friend there are lots of us out here! As for the cretin in your life, well I say out live the bast__d. Some people only see the negative and can't stand that someone else knows how to make lemonade from lemons. Just keep squeezin'

[brain]

[Bernard]

Sorry I wasn't around yesterday Meetz. I hope you made it through with true grit.

[Meetz1064]

I AM doing BETTER today. The last couple of days were rough, and have been for quite a number of years now. I guess you could call it my own version of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Heheheehee. There. I'll try to make fun of it. Nanananana.

I'm going to clean house today.....or at least start on it. My mother's coming to visit in May.

TT-->you're right about putting it in the past...and I have managed to do that, for the most part. I generally don't even think about it until right about this time. I get these vivid dreams every year about this time, as well as some "visits" if you get my drift, from those that passed away that night, especially the little girl and her stepdad.

Mr. B-->yes, I made it through, and thanks. Do you have any idea why I couldn't do a couple of PMs yesterday (to Buckeye & RobinN)?

Robin-->no, there really isn't anything that you CAN think about during a tornado except that it sounds like a TRAIN. And to pray that you don't die.

Buckeye-->thanks for the idea. I went to the Auditorium, and it DID help.

Paradise-->thank you SOOO much. And you're right of course. He's up to his tricks again today. And because of his tricks, I now have a full-fledged sinus infection. Oh, I was a mess this morning!

Brain--> Thanks soooo much for the hug!!!

TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU: THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. I WILL make it. And I am FINE. I am much calmer now. Off I go to clean!

Meetz

[TeeTees]

Glad to hear all's good and well with you again Meetz

As for cleaning the house <paaah>.....there's always Tomorrow ! Put your feet up and make the most of your flu-fledged sinus infection.....in fact, why not share it with 'him indoors'

[paradise survivor]

A friend of mine told me it was easier to apologize for the house not being up to par than it was to clean it! That being said I have never been able to follow it. I am very sensitive to critisism...but I can stuff and hide with the best of them(just don't do too much, a sinus infection is not to be messed with) Good Luck with the mommmy visit-you're a better man than I Gunga-Din!

[Bernard]

Do you have any idea why I couldn't do a couple of PMs yesterday (to Buckeye & RobinN)?

Try sending them one at a time. There are restrictions on cc'ing multiple members to prevent PM spam.

[alivenwell]

Hope everything continues to get better for you! That's definitely a streak of really bad luck. From reading Shakespeare, things get SO bad that once they hit rock bottom, then the only way is back up. It sounds like you're on the way back up.

Let the Cretans be among themselves! They deserve each other! Escape to your special place! Keep busy and don't look back.

If it's any consolation, I've been where you were as well.

[BuckeyeFan]

Glad to 'see' your smile again M.

[skillefer]

Hey Meetz! I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling down the other day. I understand. The anniversary of my dad's passing isn't easy on me either.

And, having grown up in Nebraska, I can totally relate with the tornado.

I hope you feel better soon. Sinus infections are nothing to...laugh at.

As for the cretin....sneeze on his food.

[TeeTees]

As for the cretin....sneeze on his food.

<yeuch>

[Cinnabar]

here.......and I'm fighting off the urge to head to the bar tonight and drink the night away.......

I have plenty of cleaning I can do instead, but who REALLY wants to CLEAN??? I do have a partial pack of cigs out in the van I can go get and finish off......

Today's that lovely anniversary I knew was coming, and I just WISH we could SKIP the day altogether.....the tornado that levelled my house followed by my grandfather dying a few years later. URG.

Sorry. Enough out of me for now.......

Meetz

I sooo know the feeling of wanting to escape. While I stopped drinking a year ago, I still battle with cigarettes in a big way. I'm determined my quit date will be on my birthday - May 12th. Well, my neurologist said smoking and drinking are a NO NO. But told me ABSOLUTELY not quit "Cold Turkey". It would startle my system too much and would most likely bring about a seizure. I'm housebound and smoking has kept me company. I did have "one" glass of wine about five months ago and couldn't stand the taste and got a headache - just one glass! I used to be able to polish off a big bottle in one night!

I enjoy reading and have never smoked or had a drink when engrossed in a book. Don't multi-task that way. That's just me. Do you enjoy reading or any other diversion like painting or hobbies requiring a "hands on" situation? My SO builds rockets - some are taller that I! Very expensive hobby! I get upset about the cost but ranting and raving isn't in my best interest. We need to manage stress differently...and please never say "sorry" about venting. We have every right to stomp, kick and scream!
Always - Laurie

[Cinnabar]

Meetz - I don't think my former post got to you. But just in case, I'll reiterate and hope you don't get bored. I'm a writer as well and am having trouble focusing like you. I'll never abandon my memoir project, though. My past is otherworldy disfuctional but I inject a gallows humor throughout. My doctor suggested that I write "happy" short stories and put my project on hold. I think he thinks it will bring on a seizure. While my style might be lyrical - as I say - "I don't write pretty". I write about the human condition and there's nothing simply pretty about it. I'm going to try to get at least a page done today but my problem is that I edit, edit and edit as I go along. Perfectionisim gets in my way and also I don't think my mind is as sharp as it used to be since my epidsodes. Somedays on top. Somedays on bottom.
Always - Laurie