time for me??

[homemom360]

when is it ok to demand from family and friends that they pay attention to your problem for just a minute???
i have such a problem with this question. i sit and think all day long of things that i want to tell me husband, things that happened to me, things with the ep that are getting worse, but then he comes home and tells me about his day, and i can't bring myself to say, "ok now about me for a minute."
he has enough to deal with in his day without having to try to help me deal with this.
yah i know that's part of him being a husband but it's my part to help keep the stress at a low.
i talk myself out of talking to so many people.
i have a long time friend who is out of state so we only talk on the phone, and there is many a time i call her to get a problem off my chest or to discuss a new problem with my ep with her and in the process ask her how she is doing and she starts to tell me the problems she has at work or at home and the thought of telling her anything leaves my mind because she doesn't need my problems on top of her own.
i have even talked my self out of using threopy with the same idiotic line of thought.
this is the way i grew up though. i talked to no one about my problems. my parents had each other as a problem and used me as a sounding board. in school everyone seemed happy to bring their problems to me but no one seemed available when i had a problem.
i'm taking a chance here asking this question of you guys in hopes that i don't look to stupid and that maybe someone is in a similar situation and understands.
i've even tried using a diary but it only helps to the point that i get the thoughts off my mind, there's no feed back.

[alivenwell]

when is it ok to demand from family and friends that they pay attention to your problem for just a minute???
i have such a problem with this question. i sit and think all day long of things that i want to tell me husband, things that happened to me, things with the ep that are getting worse, but then he comes home and tells me about his day, and i can't bring myself to say, "ok now about me for a minute."
he has enough to deal with in his day without having to try to help me deal with this.
yah i know that's part of him being a husband but it's my part to help keep the stress at a low.
i talk myself out of talking to so many people.
i have a long time friend who is out of state so we only talk on the phone, and there is many a time i call her to get a problem off my chest or to discuss a new problem with my ep with her and in the process ask her how she is doing and she starts to tell me the problems she has at work or at home and the thought of telling her anything leaves my mind because she doesn't need my problems on top of her own.
i have even talked my self out of using threopy with the same idiotic line of thought.
this is the way i grew up though. i talked to no one about my problems. my parents had each other as a problem and used me as a sounding board. in school everyone seemed happy to bring their problems to me but no one seemed available when i had a problem.
i'm taking a chance here asking this question of you guys in hopes that i don't look to stupid and that maybe someone is in a similar situation and understands.
i've even tried using a diary but it only helps to the point that i get the thoughts off my mind, there's no feed back.

We'll all let you vent in here. In one of today's newspaper advice columns, there was a very similar article describing a woman who is practically ignored. Everything revolves around her husband's attitude. He watches tv rather than talking to her. I think she was with this guy for at least 12 years. The columnist advised her to get a lawyer because the husband would definitely listen.

I think it would help you find contacts other than him. I know somebody who started meeting other people. Her self esteem went up a lot, and her control freak husband noticed it. I also walk a lot to beat the stress. I'm heading over to the gym now.

Hopefully he'll see the light 'cause there may be one day that he'll really need your help. Stuff happens.

[Loudmouth]

Look,we have an hour to talk when you get in from work. The first half hour is yours, i will listen like i always have,offer my advice if it is needed etc. After that the second half hour, I NEED you to do the same for me." that way you are both getting an equal share of the time that is available. And if that doesn't work, Find an outside friend, and remember that a true friend will be just as interested in YOUR problems and helping you as you are in helping her. They will not see your problems as an added burden if they are a true friend. do you see listening to their problems as a burden? I doubt it or you wouldnt do it, i assume you do it to help them...Just remember that YOUR problems are not any less real than anyone else's and you are just as entitled to support when you need it as everyone else around you. I have this problem too, my friends always say "we didn't realise how hard you were finding things,you never said,why didn't you just SAY!!" sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and tell people how your feeling,and your friends/partner may surprise you with how supportive they are,they may just be assuming that you are coping perfectly well because you haven't said anything,particularly your husband,as men usually dont know that their wife is having a hard time unless she comes right out and says it to their face (SORRY GUYS)

[morgan381]

I can really relate to your situation. My husband and I were married only about a year before I had my first seizure and I have difficulty talking to him about it because I think "he didn't sign up for this". (not trying to shift to my problems, just letting you know you're not alone) I've always got time to listen if you want to talk. Like loudmouth said, just tell him you need to get some worries off your chest...it's not like you expect him to fix everything, just to listen.

[BuckeyeFan]

Look,we have an hour to talk when you get in from work. The first half hour is yours, i will listen like i always have,offer my advice if it is needed etc. After that the second half hour, I NEED you to do the same for me." that way you are both getting an equal share of the time that is available. And if that doesn't work, Find an outside friend, and remember that a true friend will be just as interested in YOUR problems and helping you as you are in helping her. They will not see your problems as an added burden if they are a true friend. do you see listening to their problems as a burden? I doubt it or you wouldnt do it, i assume you do it to help them...Just remember that YOUR problems are not any less real than anyone else's and you are just as entitled to support when you need it as everyone else around you. I have this problem too, my friends always say "we didn't realise how hard you were finding things,you never said,why didn't you just SAY!!" sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and tell people how your feeling,and your friends/partner may surprise you with how supportive they are,they may just be assuming that you are coping perfectly well because you haven't said anything,particularly your husband,as men usually dont know that their wife is having a hard time unless she comes right out and says it to their face (SORRY GUYS)

LM has this one right on the nose. Give your husband a chance to care. I understand you have an underlying fear to ask for support. However, take a chance with the one who shares your life. Guys can be oblivious to some things. But, maybe if you tell him, he will find it helps him take his mind off of his problems. Also, guys like to be heroes. If he listens to you, let him know it is helping and that he is lifting your spirits. Based on your other posts, he sounds like a supportive guy in general. He just needs to know you need him.

I've been there and done that.

Give him a chance to be your hero!

[homemom360]

thanks everybody. everybody here has been such a helping hand whether they know it or not. it's a huge piece of mind just knowing i have a place with people in it that have been or still are in the same place i am. sincerly, thanks everyone. i know my husband cares. he has told me before that if i have a problem, all i have to do is talk to him. i have to just "bite the bullet" and have a selfish moment and tell him what is on my mind.

[RobinN]

Even if you didn't have this issue to deal with it still would be appropriate and unselfish for you to ask for equal time.

However.... I highly suggest that you look into therapy. You actually need more time than the average time-to-talk at the end of the day. It is by far the best thing I ever did for my daughter. We both look forward to her appointment each Thursday. She is in a much better place due to the support. In addition her therapist talks with me during the week if I need some help dealing with a particular situation.

[Loudmouth]

I found talking to my partner/friends family much more helpful than talking to a therapist,as the way i see it is friends and family are listening because they want to listen,to help you, to offer advice, to be there for you BECAUSE THEY CARE. A therapist is only listening to you because it is his/her job to do so,and while I wont deny that one or two out there are awesome and do a brilliant job, at leats 50% are in it for the money, IT'S THEIR JOB, THEY'RE PAID TO LISTEN TO YOU, then they go hame and forget all about you, they don't actually CARE whether you go crazy or not,in fact if you do,they'd probably earn more!!Maybe I'm just too British in my outlook on Therapy....

[homemom360]

on the subject of therapists i agree that they do little long term good. they are a good place to be able to vent while knowing you won't be interupted, bu then again so is AA and that is free. i guess it just comes down to "old habits are hard to break." i have spent all my life being the in-box for problems and my out-box got thrown away long ago. i guess i should go buy another and place it on my desk of life.

[alivenwell]

Therapists provide a neutral ground on which to change behavior or bad habits. Like Buckeye said, this guy sounds oblivious to your needs. Either you work with him and fulfill them or you find outside sources for help. What's you husband's preference? That's the bottom line here.

Vent here all you want. There are many people who would be more than willing to talk to you and/or your husband. Clergy, AA, our forum, some phone lines dedicated specifically to personal issues. I know of one neutral phone number 1-800-CONTACT that constantly has someone 24/7. We will all support you in any way we can provide help as well.

[Molly97]

You know, I am very much into minimizing the stress my husband has in his life. And in doing that, I become minimized as well.

I started really having obvious problems with my seizures after we had been married about 13 years. My husband(like most men)is a "fixer." You give him a problem and he thinks his job is to come up with a solution. In the beginning, when I started talking about my seizures, he was afraid. He didn't know what to do to "fix it." He has finally come to understand that he can't fix it. He relies on the fact that I take care of myself best I can and seek help when I should. He knows the hallmark signals of my seizures. He's not afraid of them anymore.

At one point, when I wasn't communicating all that well about anything in my life, let alone my seizures, he told me that he felt that I was cutting him out of my life by not talking about my problems with my seizures.

I agreed with Robin that the best thing I ever did was finding a good therapist(I had DID issues that required years of working through)that my husband could respect. He went to many of my sessions and participated in them. The communication that was opened through this therapist was a life saver for me, and a marriage saver for us. It's hard to find the right therapist but when you do, it's wonderful.

You're going to have to open up to both your husband and your close friends. And Robin's right: it's going to take some therapy.

[alivenwell]

I walk my dog to de-stress. It really helps. I used to walk the dog alone.

My husband has started to join us within the past several years. As we de-stress from the walk, we try to talk about stuff.

Ironically, within one year of obtaining my dog, my stress went down, I was in better physical shape and my seizures were controlled. It had to be the stress.