Tired of it all................

[TexasTravel]

I about ended it all just a short time ago. If it had not been for my concern and feelings about how my wife would handle it, I might have done it.

I try to be courageous for other people, and, the vast majority of the time, I am the same way towards myself but even I have those kinds of days!

I have the EXACT same feelings as many who have posted here in the very recent posts.....others ignorance and stupidity. They cannot relate, I feel ever!!! It is my feeling that those who do not actually HAVE epilepsy cannot TRULY relate.

As the result of another condition. I have all types of people around me. From people like my mother, who, like was mentioned in another entry, that will not leave me alone and feels that I have to be watched 24 hours a day. That is one condition that I believe you actually have to have happen to you to be able to feel what I am feeling. It makes me feel inept, unable to fend for myself, insulted, deminuzed, belittled, etc., etc. It really pisses me off.

Then there are those like my brother who just feel that I am making it all up or, at least, am not trying hard enough. He feels that if I just pull my bootstraps up, I will be cured. Yeah right!!! I wish he had it and I could say the same to him!!! My disability insurance even tries to imply it even though, on and off, I have been taking anti-seizure medicines my whole life!

Then there are those, like other members of my family, who just do not seem to care at all. FU'em all!!! My father e-mailed me the other day, alluding to a wreck that I had about 6 months ago. I think I may have mentioned it in another thread. Anyway, he, basically, tried to make me feel like I had tried to be careless and even, outright, disrespectful and almost, intentionally, trying to hurt someone. He wrote about what conditions would have been like if I had killed someone or even worse. That kind of attitude is BS!!!

I am listening to Boston, Satriani, Vai, Johnson and some other good fast stuff right now. Even though it does not put me in any "zone", it gets me pissed off enough that I think about something else besides being depressed.

So, now I am about to miss a big family gathering because, even though my wife will not be home from work until about 7:00 p.m. tonight, and I have no way of getting to my brother's house to join them as I cannot drive, none have even offered to come and get me. It is not a long drive but oh well, they can stick it for all I care. I will take care of myself and they can get lost!

Ok, enough ranting, just know that I can relate to alot of other threads!!!

[Meetz1064]

or someone nearby that you can talk to, that you can relieve some of the pain that you're obviously feeling? A pastor, a friend that you can trust? I think we've all been in your shoes at least once......

PM me if you'd like to talk......

[TexasTravel]

My father and I had a discussion recently, via e-mail, about what I should do with my present situation. Well, even though we are EXTREMELY different in many ways, we are similar in some. One of the ways that we are similar, is wanting to be off to think by ourselves.

By this I mean, that I like being alone to think by myself alot. One of my biggest fantasies is to just be able to cross the country on a motorcycle. Just to feel the wind in my face, to see the land and country and just be at peace. I used to be able to get close to that with my driving. I did not have to be going anywhere, just being at peace. I never used an a/c, I always drove with my windows down. It was as close as I could be towards the motorcycle thing.

I think alot of guys can relate to this, not so much so for the ladies. It is one of those things that is very hard to explain to my wife. It is nothing against her, just the peace that I will never have again.

[TexasTravel]

or someone nearby that you can talk to, that you can relieve some of the pain that you're obviously feeling? A pastor, a friend that you can trust? I think we've all been in your shoes at least once......

PM me if you'd like to talk......

Not really. There are not really anyone who can really relate that are close to me.

[haird18]

You are talking my language and I definitely understand what you are dealing with. When I was little being abused by family and dealing with epilesy and my other disabilities . My life was totally turned up side down in 1995 again when my sister killed herself. So I fight depression and stress everyday. Keep praying and hang in there.
David

[Georgiagirl88]

Hi Texas,

Sounds like you are truly going through a really rough time right now. I think it would really help to talk to someone. Even start with your wife. Tell her how you feel..deep down. And then talk to your Drs. Be honest and tell them how bad you feel. It will help to get it off your chest. David is exactly on the mark when he explains about his situation and not giving up. You can't give up..each day is a gift. Even when you can't see it. There is something wonderful about that day. Someone would give anything for just one day or another hour. Don't give up man..keep fighting!! You will make it through! You have all of us too!!!

Michelle : )

[Nancy]

Hang on ..............
Sometimes that's all we have ......... hanging on.

[alivenwell]

That is awful that nobody would offer you a ride. But, then are they worth your time and attention with that type of attitude?

Your wife and dad seem to be far more supportive and understanding.

My older sister used to give me a ride home on weekends from college to our parents. She was kind of like your brother and had a somewhat bossy attitude. I was usually not really part of the general home conversation (it revolved around her a LOT). During my 2nd college degree when I had other options to not come home as much (off campus), she needed my support during a nasty divorce. Your brother may need you especially because you know his flaws. He may not see it coming yet.

Is it too far or dangerous to ride a bike? That may not be as fast, but it is a semi-close match. I always wear a helmet when I ride the bike and I find it easier to ride. I own a skinny tire multi-gear bike and a wide tire mountain bike. The skinny tires really pick up a lot of speed, but the mountain bike covers all kinds of terrain.

[Birdbomb]

You know, sometimes people seem indifferent and uncaring because they don't know what to say or do. That includes offering rides.

Did you call anyone and ASK them if it would be possible to give you a ride? They may be assuming YOU are the one who doesn't care or you'd rather come to the gathering with your wife.

Since no one knows your needs and expectations, being vocal is really necessary. If you have told them how you felt but they still treat you like dirt, then accept some family members are complete jerks and should be avoided at all costs.

Don't allow your happiness to be based on the whims and ignorances of others. Kick them to the curb.

Chronic medical disorders are hard enough to deal with, seeking acceptance for those who CHOOSE to remain ignorant will only cause you more grief. I would hope a frank, open discussion with your mother, wife and any other irratating individuals warrant a change in behavor.

At any rate, here's a hug for you. Hanging in there isn't easy.

[Bernard]

TT, if you get so low that you consider ending it all, please seek professional help.

I am glad you are here.

[brain]

Tex:

"E" sux doesn't it? Up and down like a Yo-Yo! We feel like
no one understands us, people argue with us, and even more
so; we feel like we're beating a dead horse and we feel like
we will accomplish MORE by talking to the wall than anything
else! But little do we realize that sometimes it's the meds,
sometimes we're in postictal, and sometimes the "E" changes
as we get older where like you say "FU" - but it's not the
people ... it's merely the frustration of it all that's within,
the struggles, wanting to escape from it all, and we feel like
we're a "bird in a cage, wanting to be set free and to fly
away". But if you ever fall that low, you can always call the
Epilepsy Foundation below, your Neurologist or Epileptologist,
or your Primary Care Physician or call your Hospital that you
always go to and they will assist you.

But in moments like these, all I can do is give you
a BIG BEAR HUG and let you know I CARE!

[Belinda5000]

I about ended it all just a short time ago. If it had not been for my concern and feelings about how my wife would handle it, I might have done it.

I try to be courageous for other people, and, the vast majority of the time, I am the same way towards myself but even I have those kinds of days!

I have the EXACT same feelings as many who have posted here in the very recent posts.....others ignorance and stupidity. They cannot relate, I feel ever!!! It is my feeling that those who do not actually HAVE epilepsy cannot TRULY relate.

As the result of another condition. I have all types of people around me. From people like my mother, who, like was mentioned in another entry, that will not leave me alone and feels that I have to be watched 24 hours a day. That is one condition that I believe you actually have to have happen to you to be able to feel what I am feeling. It makes me feel inept, unable to fend for myself, insulted, deminuzed, belittled, etc., etc. It really pisses me off.

Then there are those like my brother who just feel that I am making it all up or, at least, am not trying hard enough. He feels that if I just pull my bootstraps up, I will be cured. Yeah right!!! I wish he had it and I could say the same to him!!! My disability insurance even tries to imply it even though, on and off, I have been taking anti-seizure medicines my whole life!

Then there are those, like other members of my family, who just do not seem to care at all. FU'em all!!! My father e-mailed me the other day, alluding to a wreck that I had about 6 months ago. I think I may have mentioned it in another thread. Anyway, he, basically, tried to make me feel like I had tried to be careless and even, outright, disrespectful and almost, intentionally, trying to hurt someone. He wrote about what conditions would have been like if I had killed someone or even worse. That kind of attitude is BS!!!

I am listening to Boston, Satriani, Vai, Johnson and some other good fast stuff right now. Even though it does not put me in any "zone", it gets me pissed off enough that I think about something else besides being depressed.

So, now I am about to miss a big family gathering because, even though my wife will not be home from work until about 7:00 p.m. tonight, and I have no way of getting to my brother's house to join them as I cannot drive, none have even offered to come and get me. It is not a long drive but oh well, they can stick it for all I care. I will take care of myself and they can get lost!

Ok, enough ranting, just know that I can relate to alot of other threads!!!

Texas,

I know where your coming from because I tried to end it 4 times .
I was always told my problems weren't bad.
If you ever need anyone talk to there's suicide crisis hotline.

Belinda

[TexasTravel]

Sorry I did not get back yesterday, I was feeling a little bit better but it comes and goes. I just needed some more cowbell.

I rarely get that way but, sometimes, it gets ahold of us all. I do not feel great today but not to the point that I felt 2 days ago. I think I have missed a few medicines and that may have an impact also. I have missed medicines in the past and they did not affect me but this one might.

My wife left on another business trip to Shanghai yesterday, so that sunk things but I will try to keep busy. I do not envy her flight. I have flown alot. In the beginning, flying is fun and exciting, and, as long as it is a short flight....it, still, mostly is. Flying overseas, etc. is a whole different ball of wax, screaming babies and kids, tiny, uncomfortable seating, tiny bathrooms and on and on.........but I would still rather be there.

Thanks for all of the support, and always remember, as Christopher Walken says "We need more cowbell!".

[Bernard]

Glad you are feeling better TT.

Hulu has shamefully not included the cowbell skit (yet?), but I found a fix for you:

[Belinda5000]

Texas,
My family got to the point they where either over protective when I lived by myself.
(before I married) To where they just didn't tell me about anything happens in the family.
So I stay away I don't need the stress.

Belinda

[TexasTravel]

Thanks everyone, it does help to have people who really understand.

I think I had another seizure just a few hours ago. I realize that it is nothing to many people here but mine are not that often and it hits me hard when it does happen.

Thanks Bernard, for the cowbell skit. I love it and it always makes me laugh and get into good spirits. I really like it when formerly serious actors like Walken, Neilson and many others get into comedy! I will play the video over and over when I need it and most of the time even when it is not required.

And, thanks again to everyone, it does make a difference and I hope that it helps, when I try to help someone else who is feeling really down, that I do know how it feels.

Now, everyone follow Christophers' direction and play more cowbell!!!

[TexasTravel]

Bernard, the video will not play. Is something wrong?

[Bernard]

Yeah, youtube pulls all the SNL videos over copyright concerns. That one didn't last very long!

Hulu.com is the only site where you can watch the videos officially, but they don't have that particular skit available at the moment. If you search Google for more cowbell, you will probably find a low quality copy of it somewhere, but the forum only supports youtube and hulu at the moment.