Doctor & Medical Jokes

[brain]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.


But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Just to let you know ... this one was
FOR REAL!

It made the news and it sure did
spread around like wildfire and still
is circulating!

Still is funny as it were back then.

[TeeTees]

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

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Doctor to Patient : You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

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Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?

It was cordless!

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My Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

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A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

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A Blonde went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ouch, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."

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Doctor: "I've got very bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

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Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered.

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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

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Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

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There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

[militarynewf]

A man walks into the hospital complaining of pain... The doctor ask's where on your body do you feel this pain, the patient replies, everywhere... " I touch my foot, I feel unbearable pain. I touch my knee, I feel unbearable pain. I touch my leg, unbearable." After stating that every place on his body that he touched, caused him pain, the doctor sent him into x-ray... After studying his x-ray, the Dr. called him into his office. The man asked the Dr., give it to me straight Doc, "am I dying?, What is wrong with me?".
The Dr. leaned over and whispered into his ear, "no your not dying, you have a broken finger!!!!!"

[Elaine H]

A man walks into his house with a huge bunch of flowers to make up with his wife after a bad arguement, she drags him upstairs thanking him all the way up and smiling, obviously delighted with the beautiful flowers, she rips her clothes off, lays on the bed, throws her legs open, and says.."this is for the flowers darling!" He looks puzzled and says.."surely we must have a vase in the house!!"

[speber]

[skillefer]

LOL....oh, that was a good one Elaine.... Gotta remember to tell that one to my hubby....

[brain]

Elaine - that one is hilarious!
It had me laughing!

[hawke86]

Some funny stuff. It almost made me laugh.

[homemom360]

this is my first posted joke, it thought it was funny but my sense of humor isn't always the norm so i hope noone is offended

what do you do when you find a patient in the bath tub having a seizure?
throw in your dirty laundry

[homemom360]

here's another

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure; she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

[homemom360]

okay, i read this one in a dirty magazine when i was just barely legal and find in funny that it was the first thing i thought of when i started having seizures and was faced with a similar situation.
a couple were braught into the er and set side by side on a bed. the nurse came over and was taken aback momentarily at what she saw. the man was missing his ppants and had a towel over his genitals and the lady had a fork protruding from for left temple. when asked what happened, the two looked at one another then explained. the couple had gone out for a romantic dinner at one of those lightly lite restraunts. after the meal but before the desert the wife decided it might be fun to "fool around" in public. she slid under the table and started "pleasuring" her husband. suddenly though she started having a seizure and in the process clamped down on her husbands man hood. in reflex of the sudden pain and surprise, the man reached for the first thing he could find to get his wife off of him and the rest as they say is history.

[homemom360]

last one for now
true story from my own life, see if you laugh like my dad did.

when i was in fourth grade a had to have my appendix out. i was rushed to the hospital from home and was rushed into the or. after the surgery my stomache still hurt so the doctor took x-rays. he brought then to the room and showed them to us. what do you think we saw?? a clamp was sitting there right in the middle of my ab.. my dad looked at the x-ray then at the doctor and almost fell down laughing. i have yet to get my dad to tell me what he was thinking that was so funny, though i have though of lots of things it could have been.
(p.s.-as you might think the stay and surgery was comped by the hospital- haha)

[Bee91]

this is my first posted joke, it thought it was funny but my sense of humor isn't always the norm so i hope noone is offended

what do you do when you find a patient in the bath tub having a seizure?
throw in your dirty laundry

[Loudmouth]

MY SIDES HURT!!!

[homemom360]

im glad someone other than me found it funny

[BuckeyeFan]

Very funny, but I can't tell the first one to my wife.

I had my first seizure in the bath tub and I don't want her making me bath 5 times a day in the future.

[morgan381]

Very funny, but I can't tell the first one to my wife.

I had my first seizure in the bath tub and I don't want her making me bath 5 times a day in the future.

Homemom: I actually read the 2nd one (man & woman in the ER) in a medical book...not just a joke