Doctor & Medical Jokes

[ziggidypoo]

[TeeTees]

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS

Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid..
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities .
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed .
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.



Stay away from hospitals !

[brain]

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.."

"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed near the window?"

[majormana]

An 18 yr old young lady gose into a hosptal for wrist surgery. so the nurse comes into to room and see's her mother nursing an infant and ask the young lady how old her son was. needless to say she wasn't allowed to be nurse for that young lady

[ColmanMac]

Doctor Doctor, I think I'm a dog;
Just lie on the couch;
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture!

[Dragongiraffe]

Doctor Doctor, I think I am a curtain;
Oh, just pull yourself together !

[Rae1889]

Doctor Doctor!
It hurts when I touch my nose, it hurts when I touch my chin, it hurts when I touch my toes, it hurts when I touch my knees! It even hurts when I touch my belly button!

Looks like you broke your finger. quit poking things.

[epilepsee]

An elderly woman went to a scheduled ob-gyn appointment. While everything was normal, she mentioned to the doctor her husband was having a hard time getting an erection.

The doctor said "Just tell him to come in and I will prescribe him Viagra."

The woman said "Are you kidding me? I have a hard enough time getting that man to take a Tylenol during a headache- he hates pills!"

After thinking for a moment, the doctor told the woman he would prescribe her Viagra, and she should slip half a pill in his coffee every morning. He told her to come back in two weeks and let him know how everything is going.

The woman returned two weeks later.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked

"It was awful, just awful." The woman complained

"The sex was that bad?" the doctor asked, surprised

"No...the sex was great. He ripped my clothes off right after breakfast, swept everything off the table and had the best sex I have had in thirty years on that table."

"So what was the problem?" the doctor asked, perplexed.

"I will never be able to show my face in IHOP again!"

[lovemyladybug]

tooo funny !

[Superman1988]

A custodian who also happened to be a cannibal got a job at a hospital...Doctors there began disappearing. Then a nurse didn't come in for her shift..The custodian was called into the human resource person's office. She looked at him and said "did you eat a nurse?" and the custodian nodded his head. The hr person said, "When you were eating doctors everything was fine but now you've gone and eaten someone who actually does something"

[CQ:)]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.