Just needing opinions on something in life

[s10sleeper]

I have been thinking about something recently in regards to my father. He has been living with me due to his diabetes for the past 5 years. It all was fine until my seizures came back and I lost my job. Now I am on disability and spend most of my time at home. Since then he no longer does any housework, he never goes outside, almost never even leaves his room. He leaves his room only to go to the bathroom which adjoins his room and to get food, but he takes it to his room to eat.

What has really started to irritate me the worst of it is that when he wants to talk to me, he just tries to yell the conversation from his room to mine, which there are 3 walls between us, plus I have a fan running in my room and my earphones in listening to music when I am doing my work as since I am on disability I took on the role of Secretary at the Lodge, but do my work from home since I can't drive.

So anyways, today, he did the same thing, this time because the dog wanted food and the dish and food is right beside his bedroom. When I finally heard the dog I went to feed him and my father said something about him trying to tell me. I responded that I wasn't able to hear him because of the fan and my earphones. All he responds is that I should listen.

I am just wondering some opinions on this, as to me it is seeming pretty pathetic that he expects me to come to his room to talk to him when he has something to say or tries to have a conversation through the walls. In my opinion anymore, I would think he should come to where I am if he has a question rather than expecting me to go across the house. Not that it is hard for me, but more of an opinion on his laziness. If I don't respond eventually he calls my cell phone.

I am concerned as I will be going back in for surgery on Tuesday for a replacement RNS and so may not be able to do much, and doubt he will really care. Anyways, I have been the one he has been living with, I handle all of the finances, run all errands, and even have to pick up his prescriptions because he won't even transfer them to a pharmacy that delivers or transfer them to a closer one since I have to walk.

I have a sister and 2 brothers all of which have their own families, I have had to give up relationships and stay single to do all of this as one of my past relationships actually broke up with me because of how crude and vulgar he is. My siblings don't do anything involving it at all, one brother calls me, the other one calls once in awhile, however my sister never calls at all, haven't seen her since I let her stay with me when her husband kicked her out 2 years ago, she went back with him. Financially it has been an extreme burden as I have to try to live on 940 a month disability and my father only pays 450 of the bills, which are totalling 1100 to 1200 a month. I also have to try to live with my seizures which are severely refractory, and not a candidate for regular surgery so I am in a clinical trial.

To add to this I had to start seeing a therapist and a psych due to basically having a mental breakdown. My family seems to blow it off though like it's no big deal, but in the psychiatrists word, he said I was taking on too much. The epilepsy center said the same.

So, sorry to ramble on, but I am really just wondering, should he be coming to me to talk to me instead of what he does? And also, I'm not sure what to do on handling living with him. I know without his income I cannot handle the bills but with him here it is also horrible, and I am still having trouble making ends meet.

[Chel]

in the psychiatrists word, he said I was taking on too much. The epilepsy center said the same.

They're right. Did either of them offer ideas how to cope with your father? I know you'd made some progress, but this **** of him staying in his room while you do his bidding - wow! Umm, that's not a father/son relationship, that's master/slave. Sorry to be confrontational, but that needs to be spelled out.

You already know there's no help on offer from the rest of your family, so you're going to have to do something yourself, with or without the help of your psych/counsellor. Take as much practical assistance as you can find, but do take it.

I have many more things I want to say, but don't know how insulting I should be. I'm trying to be polite (about your father). I know he wouldn't last five minutes under my roof - he'd be out, and another, reliable rent payer would be in that spare room. Oops, my polite mask slipped a little *wink*

Hugs you, for all you're going through.

[survivor]

U really seem to be going through a real mess! TAlk to him, ask him why he does not move. Tell him he has to have exercise so that his health remains good. Tell him all! He is your father, may be he understands! Be a bit loud and clear! Tell him u are suffering because of him. Give him a hug and ask for help! Tell him pop if u dont help me, who will help me! God bless!

[s10sleeper]

You are right, Chel, about the master/slave thing, luckily for me in one part, I have doctors orders right now to not do any activity for a couple days, and told him this. He wasn't happy, but he has to deal with it.

Survivor, as far as speaking with him, I have seriously tried. My father is extremely Narcissistic to the point that I think he has a disorder. The doctors tried to give him antidepressants long ago, but he refuses to take them, he seems to think he only needs to take them when feeling sad, doesn't understand how SSRI's work, even though I tried to let him know that they take a couple of weeks to build up.

He has 3 main phrases in his vocabulary anymore; I can't, I don't, and shutup. When I try to talk to him about his health it is nothing but "Shutup, I don't want to talk about it!" Or when bringing up bills, "don't want to discuss that right now, or I can't go pay the bills, or I'm not good at handling the finances" Or "I can't get up and move around, I'm to dizzy and my feet are numb." Of course, if you touch his feet though, when he is not expecting it or if the dogs brush against them he yells and screams in agony. But when he needs help putting on a shoe, he says not to worry, he has no feeling in his feet. He also has one bad eye that he can't see a thing out of, which seems to change from one eye to the other, depending on his mood. If I bring him his mail when he is in a bad mood then whatever side I give it to him from is his blind side, plus he won't turn away from Farmville to see me handing it to him.

As far as my doctors suggestions, the epilepsy center yesterday after my surgery told me to stay at my mothers house, which I couldn't do as I have to take care of my dogs at home. Plus I heard her and my mother talking and the dr. says I need to move out. Unfortunately that is not feasible due to my income level and due to the fact that I sent out an email to my brothers explaining the situation and the extremity, however all they say is "I wish there was something I could do" This is even after putting in the letter that I have given up the time to have a life and my own family and fun and college, so that they could and that now it was my turn. And all that I have been asking from them is some financial assistance to pay someone to take me places for my fathers errands, plus someone to come in maybe once a month to help me clean and keep the house organized. Both my brothers make at least 3 times what I make a month plus their wives have jobs that make at least what my father makes on SSDI, plus I have to spend a large amount of mine on medical expenses, I even gave them the figures showing that I couldn't keep it up and was not able to meet all of the bills.

I know that my brothers do care, but I think that they are just trying to avoid the whole situation due to our childhood and the way we were treated emotionally then. I don't think they understand that not only does it cause a huge psychological burden, but so does having uncontrollable epilepsy and ADHD. Many times I feel my family does not care much. My own sister never even called me after my surgery or before. Along with this she was sending constant text messages to my mother during my surgery about how her husband was going to have to have his gallbladder removed.

I have come to terms with understanding my sister though, as I have learned to shun her, or to be indifferent towards her. I opened my doors to her once when she had problems with her husband, yet living 90 miles away she can't visit or make a phone call.

I am going to give it a little time with the emails I sent to my brothers, as I did state in it that while it was important that I would give them a little time to read over the info and try to figure out some ideas so that we could meet up together and discuss it. I did not sent the letter to my sister, and specifically told them not to either as she has also been cut off by my dad, having been removed from everything of his.

[Chel]

Ahh, dysfunctional families. Don't ya love 'em?

I come from one, so I'm not sitting up on a pedestal, pointing down. It's hard work, that's for sure. Especially if you are the child who has decided to shoulder the burden of a parent's inability to grow up. Maybe even both parents.

Who is the adult?

[s10sleeper]

Exactly, dysfunctional is right. Unfortunately neither parent grew up. My father can't do a thing for himself, hasn't filed taxes since 1998. My mother is materialistic as can be and everything is about her and how much money she has. Extremely impulsive spender, even at the pharmacy yesterday, she liked the look of a pair of reading glasses and a bunch of jewelry so she just grabbed it and bought it without looking at the price tags.

As a child I was unaware how odd our family was, but anymore I am ashamed. I don't pity myself as I have seen far worse family's, I just wonder how parents can be like that.

Unfortunately I have had to assume the adult role for both of my parents. When we go places I have to basically drag my mom out of the stores or she will use all of her money.

As for my father, one month he checked his bank account balance finally and turned up 1300 dollars short, and accused me of taking it. I went over it with him and it turned out that one atm he was using was making errors. He never called the bank about it to try to fix it.

[Chel]

Some people make a good case for pre-parenting licenses, don't they?

My migraine has defeated me. Hope you feel better soon. As for me, it's time I wasn't on the computer!

Stay sane *wink*

[s10sleeper]

Great point, LOL, even worse when you think that about your own parents.

I am staying as sane as I can, thanks, doctors have me pretty loopy on pain meds.

[knothing]

It sounds like he is depressed and really needs something to get him out of his routine. Maybe you could arrange a play date for him with someone his age with an activity he enjoys or at least tolerate. If he acts like a child treat him a little bit like a child. Tell him if he wants to eat he has to eat with you because you need to make sure he cleans his plate. Give him a list of chores each week and don't take no for an answer.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted.

[Bernard]

My FIL has diabetes (and consequently, low energy), has been overweight since I've known him, and has bad knees. It is painful for him to walk around a lot (though he needs the exercise).

Don't know if any of that describes your dad, but I would suggest that his diabetes may be playing a role in his aversion to walking around and it might not have anything to do with you.

[Cint]

Hi s10sleeper,

I hope you're recovery from the RNS surgery is going well. With all the BS you're going thru with your father and the rest of the family, you certainly don't need anymore seizures.

Since your father is living with you, set some boundaries in your home. Just because you're home all day now, you do have responsibilities other than him, so he needs to respect that. Since he has diabetes, does he do insulin? And check his blood sugar on a regular basis? Does he eat nutritious meals? I have Type 1 diabetes and epilepsy and I have the VNS, so I do know what a pain it is to deal with both. I take 2 anti-epileptic drug's along with insulin and an anti-depressant daily.

And your siblings can help out some. If they were in your shoes, they would be screaming for help! I agree with your doctors. You've taken on way too much as your plate is full.

Best to you.........

[s10sleeper]

Thank you very much, Cint. My father has type 2 and is now insulin dependent. He used to not watch his diet at all but then he had to go in to get prepped for dialisys, the first try failed on the surgery so they had to do it again. They explained to him the diet to follow, and amazing he did. He ended up cutting the amount of insulin he needs in half. Hasn't lost weight or quit retaining water, but at least he is doing better at controlling his blood sugar, and amazingly his kidney somehow improved so they are not requiring dialisys yet.

So far, since last night, things have not been too bad, as he is not asking anything of me anymore and is actually telling me he is sorry for how I feel when he sees me in pain. He has also been keeping the dogs watered so far.

Not to say he is 100 percent better, just better than I was anticipating today.

The rest of the family, well, told my sister I want nothing to do with her unless I got an long written letter of apology. And they others say they don't know if they can afford it, so they may end up hearing a meaner side of me.