P-Funk |
Last Activity: 05-11-2013 08:52 PM
About Me
- About P-Funk
- Seizure Background
- TLE - Life Long Member
About Me:
I was born at the age of three. I prefer to take my time doing things, birth being no exception. My father was a disgruntled vagrant only known as One Eye Wally. My mother, a fresh mouth nun with a dirty side. Let’s just say, paths crossed and here I am today.
After my birth, I was forced to set out on my own as god doesn’t take kindly to children of the ‘sisters of faith’.
I found myself running with poorly groomed pack of dogs. What they lacked in hygiene they made up for in enthusiasm. I fell somewhere in the middle of the pecking order, not having the confidence to try for full alpha… I’m not much for confrontation. In time, I found the ritualistic ass sniff quiet unpleasant and knew it was time for me to leave.
At the age of 5 I was employed as CEO of Denny’s, a local restaurant chain. My all cookie menu drove the company into the ground. The would be best seller, chicken fried cookie in country gravy bombed at its premiere. One patron was quoted as saying, “Seriously? Who the hell puts gravy on a cookie?” In addition, the urinals made to resemble cookie monsters open mouth stirred quite a bit of controversy amongst the local media. The company came out with a public apology and said, “That’s what we get for hiring a 5 year old.”
At the age of 9 I befriended a cat named Gordon. We soon parted ways given our conflicting political views.
At the age of 13 I enlisted in an all female lumber jack crew. I left with my masculinity in shambles and a new found fear of women wielding sharp objects.
When I was 14 I mistakenly walked into a club named The Man Hole. I then quickly walked out.
My mid to late teens were rather uneventful. I served as a shorter order cook working the graveyard shift at a local diner. While the colorful folks of the night proved to be quite entertaining, my veracious appetite for bacon sausage pancakes led to a massive weight problem and a few run ins with the law. Most notable being a twelve hour standoff with a strung out truck driver regarding the legitimacy of Jimmy Dean as a breakfast sausage. Things began to climax when I released an onslaught of sunny side up eggs and a shower of scalding coffee. He responded by taking out half of the diner with his tractor trailer before inadvertently rolling it down an embankment. Ironically, his cargo of pillows was unable to soften the blow and instead burst into flames. Upon closer inspection, the fine print on the pillows tag read “may explode on impact”. Later, years of therapy would attribute this incident to my tumultuous time spent as a lumber jack.
Disappointed but no discourage I continued down the path of life. At this point, having never received any formal education, I taught myself to read by studying restroom walls. Subway bathrooms proved to be the most fruitful. In time, I found the content repetitive but had mastered the spelling of every profanity in the English language. I also gathered quite a list of numbers to “call for a good time”. Sadly, they were all dead ends. I contacted a few bathroom companies regarding the false claims on their divider walls. My complaints were always met with extreme laughter and followed by the dial tone. The call to the better business bureau was cut short due to their concern for my mental health.
At about this time, I met my future love. A one legged woman name Aileen. Our relationship got off to a rocky start when I pointed out the irony of her name with a little shove. She was able to save herself by grabbing one of my skin flaps.
Let me back up. After leaving the diner, I drop my weight due to lack of funds. Unfortunately my skin had not reverted to its previous size and my figure resemble that of a fat man melting. That following year I would donate my extra skin to the burn unit at the local hospital as part of my plea deal regarding the “diner incident”.
Anyways, Aileen and I courted for a while. I advanced and she withdrew and then she advanced and I withdrew, and so we danced a lovers tale. Our relationship was cut short when her father discovered I was the son of One Eye Wally. Apparently he and Wally had quite a history. One that I would learn about in the coming years. In the meantime, with Aileen gone, my love was lost, as was I.
Thus I set forth again aimlessly into the world. - Treatments
- Lamictal (900 mg), Dilantin (350 mg) and Keppra (2,500 mg). a drug companies dream... and an insurance companies nightmare.
- Location
- New England
- Interests
- Large water bodies.
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Signature
- I like shiny
