Reality

[Dani1960]

My husband is a veteran doomsday prepper. He is convinced it all has to fall apart one side has to win. Unfortunately I got caught up in this now I see how I enabled it. It got so bad that he denies my seizure risks including stress. Does not accept that if things get that bad once I run out of my aed I can have a seizure and die. I even tried to get an ER supply of lamotrigine. I could not. I am a trauma survivor as is he but he is activating his amygdala by checking the news looking for more self defense weapons etc..There is no way he will see reality. He claims he wants to protect us and these are his beliefs after watching for 30 years. Yes the US is very Polarized. If seems everyone is pushing everything beyond limits all the time. We live in a rural area. I told him today no more political discussions. He always claims I do not respect him or appreciate what he has done for me. I do. But we have been doing this for four years. The whole time we have been together and married. I have really had enough. Got very depressing with me wondering on daily basis if I was going to live or die. I am back in therapy. 3 months so far. Have no plans to stop. I remain with him because I do love care for him he is retired so we only have my retirement income. We own an rv together and 2dogs who are my documented ESAs. I do have a stun gun just for self defense and the law in my state is it is legal as long as I do not perpetrate a crime and use it for self defense only. This has been awful with anger yelling etc by both of us. He feels people must keep up with current events or we live in lala land..I am starting for me a news blackout. I do not feel my lamotrigine is causing this. I feel his hypervigilance his inability to relax let go. I am actually apolitical and an unregistered voter since 2018. He talks to his brother frequently who is the other party telling him how messed up his brothers political party is. Much earlier in our relationship I asked we get couples counseling. No way he said. I am always the problem. Have been part of it for sure for enabling this and just being vulnerable to this insanity. Now I keep on working with me. I have joined the health council in my town. They have asked me to be the secretary. I am a retired nurse. Was rn. I got bacterial meningitis of my brain almost 10 years ago from chronic sinusitis. Had craniotimy to remove access left temporal lobe. Was on a vent in multi organ failure not expected to live. I did. 5/7/14 to 5/7/24.

 

[Bernard]

Sounds like you have been through a lot and your partner is not really listening to you. I would hope that might change, but it doesn't really sound likely. I think you are doing the right thing in looking out for yourself.

 

[Dani1960]

Thank you. I taking the brunt of the blame. He is having trouble accepting his beliefs etc equal apocalypse for me plus the news and fear took over. His response is you knew who I was and my beliefs. Well 4 years makes things clearer.

 

[Dani1960]

We had talk this am. He told me you owe me. For 4 unhappy years. I have had travel experiences with him I have never had before. I am very grateful. But my fear got out of control. But that is separate from my gratitude. He will never back down from his beliefs. He argues. I am not the only person in his life who has had issues with him over his beliefs but he says I have been most vocal. We move to a smaller rv park by a river at the foot of mountains in our state. He wants this to be further away from people. I want it to be in a peaceful setting. More than we are now. Nature is therapeutic. I walk daily 3000 steps. Plus it is 225.00 less per month

 

[Dani1960]

We live in a conservative small town of abour 3000. My health council participation where people who differ from him and my willingness to try to bridge this sick division - is that an issue with him? Me participating in this is rather Polar opposite to his beliefs. Thus council takes actionable steps to improve ir try to the physical mental health of our residents. So far seems non judgemental.

 

[Bernard]

I wish I had some constructive ideas for you, but it sounds like he is going to follow his path regardless of your thoughts, needs or considerations.

 

[Dani1960]

Thank you. I agree and have come to radical acceptance of this. Others in his life- parents etc have had to deal with this. My heart is broken because I cannot help. I fear he will have to face or deal with this in some way- perhaps needing medical treatment in the future etc. I cannot follow him. I have been seizure free coming up 10 years. On may 7 this year I am going to celebrate.

 

[Plasticmask]

I don't know of course, but I'm pretty sure that in order for him to get "medical help" for choosing his political views, no matter how extreme they may be, that would take him making that choice not anyone else. According to what I have been reading, it doesn't seem likely that he'd go that route by choice. But anyway:
The main reason that I wanted to respond is to congratulate you on your upcoming TENTH ANNIVERSARY seizure free!
I can't even IMAGINE going that long. For ME, it's just a matter of "am I going to have an episode today or not". I can't go two weeks without coming to on the floor or draped over a piece of furniture. Not that I'm complaining; it used to be several seizures/day, every day. I think my record is nine in one day. My neuro team has played around with several meds and combinations thereof, until I'm now on four different pills that have things SO much more manageable. I don't mind not driving or anything like that. I'm just glad to be at such a relatively low number. So, again, CONGRATS!

 

[Dani1960]

Thank you. You are right about my husband. He has to decide Many times out of survivors guilt I asked myself why am escaping this? Do not have all the answers only some. There is a saying from the organization CURE epilepsy. Seize life

 

[Plasticmask]

I don't know your Husband, obviously. But the Survivalists whom I HAVE met, are pretty much entrenched (pun intended) in their opinions and ways. Several of them own their own property in forests and have concrete bunkers right out of the movies. Do you know that the ONE thing I've never worked out (but had always been reluctant to ask, never wanted to feed their paranoia) is, how to safely ventilate one of those things? If someone wanted into one from the outside, all that they ever do in the MOVIES is find the intake vents and build small fires around them, sending smoke into the vents, choking the inhabitants into opening the door to breathe.
But anyway. Yeah, hard to change those who have that issue, if not impossible in some cases. My older Brother owns over a dozen guns and has admitted that he has no clue how to care for them. There's also the fact that since he's so much older than I, he'd be knocked to the ground even FIRING some of the guns he owns. He more than likely can't hit a barn with a nuke. I haven't pointed that out other than to tell him to get to a Range and learn things. He still hasn't bothered. I think he's just silly (and throwing good money into the wind), same as you might feel, but "ya can't change a rock without a chisel" and he'd have to do his own carving, for THIS. And he won't. Maybe this is HIS version of "seizing life". Makes him feel that he's taking a kind of control, in his way.
(shrug)
Don't get me wrong by the way, I'm not AGAINST gun ownership, we have a few small manageable handguns and take one each, wherever we go. Hers is pink (rolling eyes) but it's what she picked since she's still such a girly-girl. However, WE go to a local Range to practice several times a year, and she's even gotten trophies for her accuracy. We also learned how to keep them maintained when not in use.
I can't recall who, but someone famously once said "Beware the man who owns only one gun, for he probably knows how to use it.".

 

[Dani1960]

I like your postl some of my husband's concerns are valid.,He is retired we live on my income. I actually budgeted some of what he wants. Our payday is early may. I think he has crossed the line however into a fixation obession . It is very stressful for me. He will not change, I know that addressing his concerns will never be enough. I bought him a large zap stun gun/ flashlight. His response was it was not enough. We will not be ready for the civil breakdown coming with this election, I am going to restart therapy for me. I have ptsd from almost dying 10 years ago from bacterial meningitis of my brain. I like that you and your significant other practice self defense. I have my own stun gun I am quite comfortable with but husband says it is not enough.

 

[Plasticmask]

I used to be able to sling a knife about thirty feet with excellent accuracy. I still have quite a collection of throwing knives, all sharp enough to be able to use for shaving. However, my issues are too advanced and I no longer have the strength. So, the Wife and I have just the guns. I didn't like them, not that I didn't BUY them, but I didn't like them, preferring knives to be cooler (to be honest) and the fact that studies have shown that knives have a MUCH higher "shock value". For instance, I COULD have thrown one at someone and hit the wall next to their head, scaring them enough into some manner of compliance -for example, "Now, get out of our HOUSE!" lol
But...... yeah. Those days have passed for me. So, we have to rely on the small calibre guns with which we carefully train.
Even our rifles are smallish calibre with deeply padded stocks; we aren't young and strong any longer and we DO after all require accuracy without breaking our own bones.
Oh, and all of my canes contain little swords should it ever come to close contact self defense. It only took a couple of months to learn at a Police run class in their gym, (switchblades and sword canes are legal in our State) regarding cane-fighting (not sword cane fighting, just canes lol). Everyone knew who had swords though, and we were given very basic instruction on when to draw them after knocking the attacker about the head and legs first.

Regarding any manner of some kind of Civil breakdown or revolution happening this year, I shouldn't speak to that as I don't discuss politics online, nor with anyone else but my Wife. Not even my extended Family knows how we vote. There are after all, good reasons for those curtains around the Voting Booths. Don't know how old you are, but there used to be an expression "Never discuss politics nor religion at the Family table". These days, that seems to be a rarely obeyed lesson.

I guess it can't hurt to mention though, that if you don't believe in the same thing as your Husband, that it's possible that you could quietly remind him that Survivalists have been around for decades. Some have even died of starvation in their bunkers or booby-trapped properties, found in chairs holding shotguns in their laps afraid of the Revolutions that never came to be. Won't do him much good probably, but might help YOU. Sometimes just saying something aloud helps with many, many fears.

I had PTSD for over a year when I was in my twenties after the convenience store at which I was managing was robbed while I was taking Shift. Two robbers for one robbery, a little over a hundred dollars and I could have died. First dude fired a .45 right past my head, I had powder burns all along the left side of my face. Then his buddy shot me in my RIGHT side chest with a .22 pistol. I was in hospital for 36 days. Lived on a large Community property called "The Rose Garden" that was like a small town in itself for another year or more, weekly therapy, HEAVILY drugged in the beginning, all paid for with Disability Insurance, until I FINALLY felt safe enough to start back to School and finish my Degree. Never worked at another cash register job again though.

 

[Dani1960]

Thank you for your post. How did you get diagnosed with epilepsy? I am sorry for your experience working at a cash register. I do not mind telling you I no longer support either poltical party. In 2018 I took the effort to become an unregistered voter.Except my husband talking about this non stop I try my best to not do the same. Can you drive?

 

[Plasticmask]

I donated my car to a "Carz for Kidz" organisation which gives troubled teens a chance to learn a skill and money by selling the cars they fix up and make pretty again. My car wasn't in need of much in the way of repair, it was just an old four-door sedan that had faded paint and headlamps but I'm sure that they were able to get SOME activity out of having it, and got SOMETHING for it. We used to call it The Batmobile just because of it's age and size, and the fact that it was actual metal not plastic or fibreglass.
I feel very strongly that EVERY epileptic needs to stay off of the roads, no matter how long it's been since their last seizure. If we are still epileptic, and it's not curable obviously, even people who've had surgery are still on meds usually... we are ticking time bombs. We shouldn't be out on bicycles. I get why so many disagree with me, I really do, but MY reasoning is purely selfish: I don't want to be "that old man".

"See that house? That's where 'that old man' lives. He has those seizures, you know? For some reason, thought he was cured since he passed the six-month (or a year, depending on your State) mark, and got back behind the wheel to go to the shops. On the freeway, he had a seizure and crossed the midline and hit a Family's car head on. Yep, took out all five of them. Dead as doornails. Tied up traffic for six hours on 209. All HE got for that was House Arrest and probation, since he's dying anyway of some fatal illness. You remember seeing that on the News last year? Anyway, yeah, that's where that old murderer lives. I hope that he has a Religion (I do not) and knows that he's going to BURN when he finally dies. He never comes out except to check his mail, and he doesn't even do THAT until the Sun goes down so that he won't have to look any of us in the eye."

NOT ME.

I was diagnosed with epilepsy because I contracted a fatal bacterium (M.Fortuitum) whilst travelling. It started in my lungs, and went to my brain. It's eating holes there, just partying away. I inherited it (epilepsy) anyway from both Parents but it's the kind that you have as a prepubescent and it goes away, not always returning until late in life so the odds were against me to begin with. Took them four years to diagnose since it's simply not common for such a thing to happen. The bacterium is everywhere, on our floors and our yards, etc. but only a few people can get it in their lungs and it usually goes from there to the kidneys not the brain. So they just weren't looking for it. But my wondrous luck, it went to my brain. Causing the seizures. Oh, and making me deaf. Deaf as a Halibut.
If the infectious disease doctor had told us that it cannot be killed completely, we missed his telling us that the first time (2014 I think), but THIS latest one explained that it can only be knocked down enough to keep one alive for awhile. It's back, having a grand time.
However I've recently been diagnosed with a few new things, COPD and Emphysema and possibly lung cancer (but I turned down the PET scan for cancer because I frankly don't care at this point) on Valentine's Day this year. Also when I gave samples the M.Fortuitum came back positive in my lungs again and is eating holes in my lungs. Nice, big ones. So, since COPD and Emphysema offers a lifespan of 10 to 20 years and the bacterium less than five, I just smile at the Karma of it all.

I wasn't a "good person" in my youth. Didn't commit any CRIMES, at least nothing serious, but I had no real friends and was pretty hateful. Just add these new diseases to the stack of my older ones; it's all academic at this point.
So, my reward is a pretty darned uncomfortable death at (for MY Family) is a fairly early age. I won't make it to seventy.

It's my Wife who has been so SO wonderful about all of this, and she doesn't deserve what is happening to me. She has to do nearly EVERYTHING around the house, works in a Neurology Department to supplement my SSDI to pay for this house's upkeep and improvements, has to drive me to doctor's appointments, and actually kind of likes me . My only legacy to her will be this house and property that I inherited from my Father, worth roughly a half a million dollars, more once we finish improvements. And the antiques herein. Saddens me. Wish that I'd thought of life insurance so many years ago when I was still in good health. Obviously that's too late now.

 

[Dani1960]

Thank you for telling me. I am heartbroken over what has happened to you. I got bacterial meningitis of my brain from chronic sinusitis. Had abcess in left temporal lobe removed via craniotomy. The organisms were pseudomonas and MRSA. Long history from childhood of over prescribing of antibiotics. Worked as RN and wore myself out from learned codependency working and trying to save so to speak my first deceased husband. I still use neilmed sinus rinse with 1/4 top of vinegar. Prescribed by the ear nose throat specialist who came right in the OR after the neurosurgeon finished to do extensive sinus surgery. I had 5 years of allergy injections for dust mites and other allergens. The specialist found I had 13 arms of my immune system were down so I had some vaccines and his wise words were you are not to blame for this. I was 53 when thus happened. I am 63 now. Please keep letting me know how you are. I will keep monitoring you. Your experience helps others for what it is worth.