Husband diagnosed 5 days ago

[austin]

My former sweetheart of a husband was diagnosed last Friday with epilepsy and things aren't going well. I drove straight to the pharmacy since he can no longer drive and he did not like the parking spot that I selected. Then, on the next trip, he criticized my driving. I hate to drive and he always did the driving. Now, I'm trying my best and I don't love driving but of course, I will do whatever I can to help.

3 Questions:
Why is he acting like that?
Does epilepsy change one's personality?
What can I do about it?

I am a "in sickness and health" kind of girl but I guess , I was expecting to hear,"Thanks, babe!" instead of comments about how I'm doing it wrong. I am almost a full time chauffeur now between him, the kids, errands that he used to do etc.
Driving Darlene

 

[RobinN]

Hi Darlene -
It sounds to me like your husband is just plain angry. His life has been turned upside down and he is not happy about it at all. (nor would I be) My daughter has been having seizures for the past 1.5 yrs and it just isn't easy. One lifesaver for us is her weekly trips to a therapist to be able to handle the changes, how people react to her, and a safe place to vent. I highly recommend it.

It is one thing when roles reverse slowly, but to have them reverse almost immediately due to a seizure is overwhelming to say the least. You might suggest that he check CWE out, as we have a lot of members in the same situation as he is. Quite a few threads going here about driving, and about loss of independence.

I want to welcome you, and tell you I believe it will get better, but it is a challenge that is for sure. Hang out with us for a while and you just might find some alternative ideas about how to help him out.

Robin

 

[Birdbomb]

Welcome Darlene

Part of the problem is now he must rely on someone else to take him places. For someone who is self-sufficiant, this is very humilating! Epilepsy makes us FEEL helpless. Your husband is going through a grieving process because he lost a part of himself, his independance. To some people, that takes a toll, I know exactly how he feels because I went through the very same thing. I HATE asking others to drive me anyplace. I hate having to be escourted and babysat all because of a seizure disorder. I wasn't left alone for almost 2 years! It tends to make person very angry.

Darlene, he's not mad at you, he mad at himself. He feels he has failed. The best thing you can do is try to get him to open up and talk about it. If he can vocalize how helpless his new situation makes him feel, he can begin to come to terms with it.

It's hard. Really hard to let go of our independance. He is probably feeling very displaced too.

 

[austin]

thanks

Thanks, Robin and Bird! Great points. Darlene

 

[speber]

Darlene, take it from another chauffered husband....

....the situation is not what I\he wants in any way-shape-form.

My GODDESS of a wife Renee has been SUPER stressed lately from having to drive me around for some time now...on TOP of driving the kids around and herself to and from work! We're also a one car family anyway, so no real end in sight. I don't know how she does it... but I know I'm a lucky man.

Here's the big difference between me and your husband...I've had epilepsy for 32 years and have come to terms with it. I know what to expect and when NOT to get my hopes TOO high in case, ya know? Your hubby's in need of a good 'heavy bag' from the local gym so he can take out some aggresion with regards to how much he hates his new 'existence'!

It's not anything you're doing...and I believe the 'new' husband will settle down for you once it gets under control for him!

Seriously, try a 'heavy bag' or some other stress-reliever\re-direction technique here....he'll appreciate it too!

Peace!
:rock:

 

[TeeTees]

Hi Darene,

Welcome aboard I hope you find this site as helpful as I have (and still do), and that you simply ask questions and mix in with the rest of us - there are no horrible people on this site, thank God.

Your Hubby is going through a real tough, crap time at the moment (to put it blunt). As the other's have put - his independence has been snatched from him, he will have shed loads of thoughts going through his mind at the moment where he's trying to work out, a) what the hell has happened ?, b) how he's gonna get through it, and c) what lies ahead for him.

Seizures can give people mood swings too - I'm a first class example of that ! - so you will have to learn how to adapt to 'what you pay attention to' and 'how you react' to these sometimes nasty sounding remarks from him. I've never been violent towards anybody, but sometimes the bitterness inside me that gets transfered to my mouth really makes me cringe when I take it out on other's - alot of the time that's down to the tiredness that I get from the sz's.

Stick in there and you'll come to understand when and how to react to these situtations.

I wish you both the best of luck.....and congratulate you in finding this site - you really WILL find comfort and understanding on here.

 

[austin]

Thanks, Speber. I'm sure your wife is happy to have you to drive around. I told mine to think of himself as celeb in a limo. He gets dropped off right in front. I feel like he should make the best of it since there is nothing he can do about it.

THanks, TeeTee for your insight into the mood swing thing. I don't think he has any idea how it hurts when I'm trying to help. Thanks to all for the comfort. Darlene

 

[TeeTees]

I don't think he has any idea how it hurts when I'm trying to help.

Have you discussed the above ^^ ?....or do you think it's not such a good time at the moment, and you need to give him a li'l space ?

I'm just wondering whether it might help him to see YOUR side of things too, or do you think this will just add fuel to the fire at the moment ?

Think it through...couples problems cannot be solved by one.

 

[Bernard]

Hi Darlene, welcome to the forum. :hello:

I think BB nailed it. Don't take the comments personally. I would just let him vent without comment knowing that his anger is not really about the little things he is griping about.

He is not helpless though. There are things he can do to be proactive in improving his condition.

 

[Birdbomb]

Thanks Mr. B.

I lived that anger and still carry some with me today even after 6 years! Guess I always will. When something comes out of the blue and destroys the life you planned, you can't help but feel cheated, and way beyond mad!

Once he can begin to accept his condition, he can LEARN from it. Good luck to you. I know of several spouses who just couldn't handle a drastic change in their mate's life. It will be hard work for both of you. May I suggest you find a local support group and become active. They can help you overcome this hurdle.

 

[austin]

more thanks

More thanks to Bernard and Birdb! I also went back to yoga (I had dropped in a month ago). I don't have time to go but I told one kid that she could just wait at the school library for 15 minutes and I went anyway. Boy, did it help! I think I need to take care of myself if I am going to be any good to help him.

 

[brain]

:hello: Darlene!

Ditto on the postings below and it's even
more harder when you're being more "boxed"
in than ever before.

I believe he's scared and frightened and it's
not just loosing the independence in part.
There's an adjustment period that one must
go through, unfortunately, many Doctors and
Medical Professionals overlook this vital area
as well as adapting and coping.

So where does one go to unleash it all? Usually
upon their family, friends, spouse, etc. Sadly,
those living alone who have no one can only
take it to a degree will often end up committing
suicide, which is why epilepsy suicide rates is
so high because no one has anyone to turn
to. People don't understand them, begins to
cut them off, divorce / separation happens,
then isolation sets in, and it's one thing after
another... and there they are - all alone; and
it's not even their fault, but people treat them
like it is. Support Groups used to flourish, but
now have turned mostly into promotions of
gimmicks of latest technologies and push of
Pharma Drugs, Surgeries, et cetera. It has
become very difficult to find a Support Group,
like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) where one
could talk to another on common groups.

Now presently, they're turning to the internet,
that is if they have a computer and access,
as a last resort. Even in my own area, a Metro
Area - we don't even have such Support Group
and I long for one to be able to listen to others
in person. There's a big difference between the
internet and being out there in person.

For on the internet, anyone can be anybody
and you never know who you are dealing with,
but in person, you'll know that person is genuine
or not. So it is true that people with epilepsy
can be very paranoid and overly cautious on the
internet than they are in person until once they
get to develop a rapport with the individuals.

But some have become so desperate where they
don't care anymore; they just want someone
and anyone because of the isolation has set in.

Darlene, consider your husband a blessing! Once
you begin to understand it more and more, your
knowledge will be enlightened and like water on
a ducks back, you will become more supportive
of your husband and understanding...

And I will NOT BE SURPRISED .. if you turned into
an Advocate!

 

[alivenwell]

I've been there and done no driving for over twenty years. Sure, if he was really active, or rowdy, and driving gave him some ego, this is going to blow that away to a certain extent.
I totally agree with Sperber. Your husband really has to find a great outlet for his frustration(s). Music, walking, talking it out, and any other method is absolutely necessary for him. He needs socialization. He probably feels isolated from old friends. He needs to find new friends if old ones are unable to accept this disorder.
On the other hand, his experience with driving might give you some good tips if he always drove you around. You also need to go places alone so that you can concentrate on traffic, directional signs, pedestrians, and whatever laws apply to you.
If you have little or no experience driving, try hiring a driving instructor. That person knows all the laws and can take control of the vehicle if you make a mistake.
I hired an instructor because the person I would have used was extremely uptight. I personally knew somebody who yelled at other drivers who did not hear him. If that's your situation, you need to find a private instructor.

 

[skillefer]

Hi Austin...

Hi Austin!

I would guess that your hubby is just plain old ticked off. Just think about how much men think about their cars. And now, all of a sudden, he's been told he can't drive. And instead of being sweet to you, since your driving, he's snippy. Why? Because most likely he feels like his body is betraying him, and instead of being the "strong provider" he thinks he looks weak. Just remember to have a sense of humor. Also, him not driving doesn't have to be permanent. If he can go 1-2 years seizure free, he can get his license back. (depends on the state) Just be patient. You guys will make it through.