Probably being over sensitive, just need to get it out!

[KellyD]

I don't mind if nobody reads this, I just need to get it off my chest because I'm really upset. Bear in mind if you do read this, I'm 21 weeks pregnant and probably being consumed by baby hormones and being a little over sensitive. This rant has probably been building up for about 15 months though so I could just be fed up!

A little bit of background, my brother is about to get married next month to a woman I just think is fantastic. She has been my best friend since I was 14, so basically I have considered her my family for half my life. Their wedding to me is more than just my brother marrying the woman he loves, it's the joining of my 2 families. I couldn't be happier about their wedding and his choice in a wife and all I want for their special day is for it to be what they want it to be and to not be about what other people think or want. Last year, when they were choosing their venue I was going through what felt like what ended up being just the beginning of my personal hell. I had just been diagnosed with epilepsy, couldn't drive, was probably quite depressed and felt very isolated and alone. I was stuck at home all day every day with a young baby that seemed to do nothing but scream all day and by the time my husband got home at night, I was pretty much a mess. I kept a lot of this to myself, my husband obviously knew a lot of it and in the end made us stronger.

My family didn't seem to notice just how much it was affecting me. This became very apparent when it turned from my diagnosis to my son's and still no support just guilt that I wasn't considering what they wanted when I was trying to do the best I could for my son. Anyway, during this time they chose their venue which was a place close to their hearts and a place they just adored. The adoration wasn't shared by my parents however, particularly my mother who decided as best friend of the bride, it was my job to point out what she thought were faults with the venue. I still haven't been to the venue so I have no idea what it is like other than what I have been told and what I have seen in pics. This "job" essentially put me right in the middle of my 2 families.

After a couple of months I threw my hands up to both parties and said I don't want to know anymore, speak to each other I don't care. My best friend has kept up this end of the bargain however my mother hasn't. She always has a different story than the one that my friend has, even though my friend has been over the plans with my mother a million times. And now it seems the issues aren't just limited to wedding plans, it's other things as well. My mum won't bring up these concerns or issues with my brother or his fiance though, she brings them to me. I obviously understand the need to vent (look at the length of this post already!) but venting to me about my brother's fiance is just as offensive to me as someone venting to me about my brother or husband. I basically had more of a childhood with this girl than I did with my brother and I would probably go as far as saying I am still closer to her today than I am with him. We speak everyday, whether by phone or email whereas I probably speak to my brother once a fortnight.

Every time I try to take myself out of the middle, my mum gets mad at me like I'm being unreasonable or disloyal. I don't think anyone means to put me in the middle but the nature of my relationship with everyone automatically puts me there. I really am siding with my friend more than anyone because I know that she isn't doing anything wrong and she isn't saying anything about my real family that is offensive. The worst part of all of this though is my mum is currently dealing with her own bout of depression so I feel like I need to tread very lightly and be very careful about what I say so that I don't make her feel any worse than she already does. I also think that I have never really gotten over what I felt like the lack of support from her and my family at the time I needed them most during mine and my son's diagnosis last year which makes a lot of this feel more personal than it probably should be because I'm already deep down still upset at her for my own issues. Anyway, this is all getting me down at a time I really don't need it to be and like I said it's probably upsetting me more than it should because of my hormones. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I feel a bit better getting it all out.

 

[Loudmouth]

(((((HUGS))))) (((((HUGS))))) AND YET MORE (((((HUGS)))). I think you need them. It is difficult in situations like this where you can't help but be involved and you are trying to consider everyone elses feelings. You are trying to deal with your own problems and your son but at the same time heve all this going on. I also understand where you are coming from, my mum has been very unsupportive about my epilepsy and yet i feel I have no choice but to be there for her as she is very depressed at the moment. Every conversation leaves you feeling frustrated because you want to help but they dont listen and if they were'nt there for you it can feel like "why should I be doing this for them?". And Your friend/future SIL isn't doing anything wrong, Its HER wedding not your mum's, even if it is to your mum's son! I think every time your mum brings it up, just remove yourself from the situation saying "i said this is between you and future SIL not me I'll be back when you change the conversation". That way you aren't being horrible, but keeping yourself neutral. Or you could get a t-shirt printed that say's "I'm like Switzerland" on the front and "I'm Neutral" on the back....Good luck, and don't let it stress you out, it's not good for your baby. Put You, your baby and your husband and son first. Hope you feel better soon. (((((HUGS)))))

 

[darcness]

Oh how I can relate to this one Kelly.

You see, my MIL can be quite "difficult" to say the least. Even before my wife was diagnosed her mother was intolerable at times. She would make up lies about me, try to convince her daughter to leave me, and basically do anything she could to ruin the relationship, all the while acting like the sweetest, most caring person to my face. It drove me nuts. I got to the point were I confronted her about it, and since then, things have been pretty good between us.

Well then my wife had a seizure in front of her mom, and things went out of control. Every time my wife would yawn, she was about to have a seizure. Every time she "looked" bad she was about to seize. Every time she sneezed, well, you guessed it. It was unbelievable the things her mother correlated to E.

Anyway, things have gotten a bit better, but her mother just the other day comes up to me and tells me that she's convinced her daughter is still having seizures every day. That she knows something is wrong and the doctor doesn't know what he's talking about. And blah, blah blah. It's never ending with her.

To top it all off, her mom said it was important for some one to be with Tera (my wife) all day, every day. That she could never be home alone. Then, when the time came for some one to come over she would either show up hours late or not at all. Go figure...

Now it's starting with the wedding plans. Me and my wife got married, but just by a reverend friend of mine. We want to do an official wedding, so we started planning it. Of course her mother, who can't do anything on time or be reliable in any meaning of the word wants to be a huge part of everything.

So yea, like I said, it never ends. :soap:

 

[Meetz1064]

Awwww, Kelly

I am sooooo sorry you're going through this. (((((HUGS))))) What a bummer deal. Being stuck in the middle of relationships like this really sucks. Been there a few times myself. It sounds ot me though that you're doing everything right--but your mother is just going to have to chill out, and learn to get along with her soon-to-be daughter-in-law. Is she seeing someone for her depression? If not, maybe she needs too.......

 

[stilldancing_98]

Ohhhhh Kelly, I understand where you are coming from. Atleast I think I do. Just breathe and take some time to yourself . This is what I do. You don't want to get more upset than you are. Find the right time to talk to your mom. If there doesn't seam to be one, the next time you talk to her just calmly speak your mind. I know you can do it. No matter how it turns out it will be for the better. I went thru this with my family. Particularly with my Mother. It took a long while. But it works now. This one is worth a prayer. Teresa

 

[KellyD]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling a lot better but I know a conversation has to be had for it to be resolved properly. Hopefully I can wait until after the wedding!

 

[Kansas Educator]

Kelly,

Hugs from Kansas too. I have some difficult family members too so I know some of what you are talking about.
When you do have that conversation, be polite but very firm and don't doubt yourself. You should not have been put in this position.

 

[Rae1889]

KellyD, here Here! I have had it up to Here *long long arm stretch above my head* with my mother in law and MY wedding to her son. She is really roman catholic and expected this to be in a roman catholic church with a roman catholic priest marrying us and a long one hour wedding with 300 people. WE told her no. I told her that I am Wiccan *yes, everyone seems to think that this is a phase religion but i have been brought up with this since i was 7yrs old* She thinks this is devil crap, but its basically the idea of give to the universe what you take from it. Very nice concept and not man over woman.

So We told her we are getting our best friend a temporary marriage licence and he is marrying us. She blew a gasket over that. Sheldon is christian and has a gun licence. That was her reasoning.

So i know what it is like to be in the middle because she will never tell her son any of this and only confront me when we are alone. We have yet to tell her i am seeing a doctor or that i haev seizures *she lives 3 hours away * and im afraid she'll jump to the witches and demons line because of my religion.

If you need help in that department let me know. I've got tonnes of info and neat ideas. PM me!

 

[skillefer]

*chuckle* You're prolly right Rae...hold off on telling her about the seizures.

Ok..as for wedding stress.

Kelly, you've done what you can, and your friend is totally understanding and respecting your wish not to be caught in the middle. That is cool. If i read right, your mom hasn't decided to do that. IMO, your mom is venting....and she's prolly doing it out of fear. Yes fear. fear of no longer being the most influential woman in her son's life. She's prolly afraid that he'll get married and then completely fall out of her life. That she will have no influence and no communication with him. What she may not realize is that being acting the way she is, she's not only alienating herself from your friend's fiancee but you too. When she ties to be negative, try finding a way to twist it into a positive..something positive about HER. For example, if she complains about how 'nobody does that..blah blah..blah.." Try to turn it into a positive like "Wow, You should be proud! He's showing what a fantastic and independent young man you raised! A person who thinks for themselves and isn't molded by society.." If it's about the menu...that he's adventurous/health minded and obviously got that from her...or not to be stifled by societies restraints...ANyway, you see..something that makes her sound like she's talented, smart, wise, witty, independent , strong, full of grace and compassion, etc..and that she takes after him. Do it long enough and try to be sincere, and you may find that when the big day arrives, she'll be taking part of the credit for many of the decisions she once criticized. She just wants to feel important and not feel worried that she's losing her son. Just my humble opinion.

 

[skillefer]

Hey Rae! Have you checked to see if there's an Independent Catholic priest near you? It might be a compromise that she can stomach. They could do the ceremony with a wiccan clergy person...but that may be just too much....

 

[Rae1889]

Hey Rae! Have you checked to see if there's an Independent Catholic priest near you? It might be a compromise that she can stomach. They could do the ceremony with a wiccan clergy person...but that may be just too much....

im going to look into that! thanks muchly!

 

[skillefer]

No problemo...most of us are pretty open minded about those things.

 

[KellyD]

Hello! Just a bit of an update. The wedding is about 8 days away and of course nothing has been resolved. I have had a conversation with my mum about some of the things that upset me about how she was putting me in the middle of the wedding arguments at a time I really didn't care because I was having seizures and so was my son and she said she understood that. she also said that because I wouldn't talk to her about any of the wedding things that she just decided that she wouldn't talk to anyone and that has all led to her depression. She kept saying that every time she brought it up we would argue and that was true at first but I started telling her I didn't want to talk about it every time it came up to avoid an argument. I knew it made her cranky but I wasn't going to get yelled at because what I knew of the wedding differed from her view, how does that solve anything when it doesn't involve me. I would get my friend to call her to clear up the concerns but my mum would act like she was ok with everything and had no issues. I really felt like being Dr Phil and sitting them down and saying speak and when someone tried to say they were ok with things they weren't I could say something to them both at the time but I really didn't have the time or the energy and I didn't want to treat them like children. Now I wish I had because then all this would be over now. I had problems at the time that couldn't be solved in a conversation and because of that I wasn't willing to get into a situation that would create more problems for me and now my unwillingness to do that has somehow contributed to my mum's depression. I really hope we get to talk about it again so that I can bring up some of the things that I forgot to say that are upsetting me now, like pointing out to her the way she is feeling now with her depression is how i felt back then and look at what you were trying to put me through. I was trying to fix the situation without getting in the middle of it all and I'm still wrong because mum couldn't speak up like an adult to solve it. Anyway I initially felt better after talking to mum but now i feel worse because there are things I should have said but didn't and now I feel like she is somehow blaming me for some of what she is going through now when if she had spoken to the right person when the opportunity was given then it wouldn't have gotten to this point. I can see she won't enjoy the wedding the way she would, she whinged about the hens night to me for days leading up to it, had every excuse under the sun to not go and then I didn't enjoy myself as much as I could have because I felt bad to her because I knew she didn't want to be there and we left early to keep her happy. My life is really awesome at the moment, I have the best husband a girl could want, a beautiful son that despite some hurdles is just amazing. You would never know that in his short life he has already battled things that some people will never experience in their whole lives and even with what he has been through in many ways we are lucky because some families go through things so much worse than what we have. And we have a new little baby on the way that we are so excited to meet and join our family and the pregnancy is all going really well. I don't want to be dragged back to last year and I feel like I have been because all those emotions have come back. Now I have to go and meet my dad for coffee and on my mother's request (they are separated) question him as to why he is only giving my brother 1/3 of the amount of money he gave me for my wedding. I want them to get the same as me, i think that's fair but it's not my place to demand money for them. My husband told me not to but apparently my brother feels like I'm the one that gets everything from dad and he gets nothing but I'm also the one that makes an effort to see dad once a week and I took care of him after his operation and would take care of his place when he went on holiday. my brother lives out of town but is here every 2nd weekend but would be lucky to visit my dad 2 or 3 times a year and only talks to him on the phone when he has to. My dad isn't the easiest person to be around but I do it so that we have a relationship, my dad wouldn't make the effort he would complain that I wasn't. My mum makes the excuse for my brother that he isn't here so how can they have a relationship but he could pick up a phone and visit more often. Anyway, wish me luck, hopefully I won't end up with another parent mad at me for getting involved where I don't belong!!

 

[KellyD]

I'm sorry, reading back over this it just sounds so depressing. I'm really very happy other than this situation and in 2 weeks when the wedding is over hopefully all of this will be too! Thanks for reading, I would talk to my friend in a situation like this but she has enough stress with her wedding without me adding to it.

 

[stilldancing_98]

Oh my gosh. I have been thru this. Many times over. But through time our family came together. My died in 2000. We all took care of him in one way or another. I always thought my brother Greg hated me, I felt I had to live up to his or to everybodys standards for a long time. But when I went into my coma it brought the family together again. People have to be reminded how lucky they are. I know I am way off track. I guess what I wanted to say is we all came to a time where we could talk. Sometimes it really hurts. But we know we are family, and pain sometimes comes along with that. Clear it out of the way. It's important to talk to the people you love . Someday they will be all you have. Teresa