Stand-up Comedy musician style.....

[speber]

Know any jokes about music? Here's a few to get started!
:rock:

Warning: Musician jokes:
What's the difference between cutting up an oboe and cutting up an onion? You cry when you cut up the onion.
How can you tell an oboist is at your front door? By the Domino's Pizza hat.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take you shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? So they can park in handicapped zones.

I wish I had an updated list of these. The 1 and 1/2 pages of musician jokes I have dates from the early 1990's. Usually the only people who have heard these are the musicians themselves. Ask any professional musician and they will have more and newer jokes then these!!!

Oops, I forgot one!
How do you get two piccolos to play in tune? Shoot one.
(Yea, I was originally a flutist and I still have my piccolo and flute).

:roflmao:

Okay, a drummer is asked to join in with some friends who have been playing Indian music. He listens for a bit and says,"Uh, I don't know guys...this sounds wierd?". Then the tabla player says, "Oh it's easy!...just give us a backbeat on the 5 and the 7!"
:roflmao:

 

[renee97]

Ok, there is a frog and a drummer on the bus. What's the difference?
The frog is probably going to a gig.

My favorite is still the one about the bassoon and the trampoline.
As for the clarinetist leaving his case on the dashboard, you can substitute the viola player leaving his case on the dashboard as well.

Another, much less well known joke, but from what I understand is actually true is this one:
(take your pick of composer-I have heard this is true of at least two or three of them) Igor Stravinsky walks into a concert hall a little after the program has started and sits down. He turns to he patron next to him and says:
"That is a pretty good piece of music. Who is the composer?"
"Oh, some guy named Igor Stravinsky."

 

[Shelley]

Minimum Safe Distances Between Street Musicians And The Public:

This one doesn’t really have to do with guitar, but with theory. And you have to know a little bit about theory to get this one.

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.

 

[alivenwell]

That's pretty good. I've studied music theory a lot and my straight, stern, strict teacher never gave jokes out like that. keep 'em coming.

And, I'm related to a professional musician, believe it or not!

 

[brain]

I guess we need to always B#
and never Bb!

 

[speber]

I guess we need to always B#
and never Bb!

Just B natural.
:rock:

Peace!

 

[Meetz1064]

Oooooooooooooooooo, thanks for the giggle! I needed that!:clap::clap:

 

[Shelley]

Never argure with a woman

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself,
"Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true," she replied, "But you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.

 

[speber]

For you Rock Stars out there...

...A young wannabe rock guitarist recently died and found himself instantly taken to a large concert hallfull of people.

He was on-stage!

He then saw Jimi Hendrix walk on-stage and plug his guitar in! He thought "Oh my God!...I'm going to JAM with Jimi Hendrix!....is this Heaven???"

Just then Keith Moon walks on-stage and sits behind the drumkit!...John Lennon sits down at a piano!...John Entwistle picks up the bass guitar!...Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, George Harrison, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Buddy Holly, Robert Johnson, all walk on-stage!....

The young guitarist is like "AAAAAGH!!!!!----this is AMAZING!----this must be HEAVEN!"...

...then he hears Karen Carpenter at the microphone, "Okay guys, 'Close To You'...and a one, and a two,..."

 

[brain]

...then he hears Karen Carpenter at the microphone, "Okay guys, 'Close To You'...and a one, and a two,..."

:roflmao:

At least it wasn't

"I've got you Babe!"

:roflmao:

 

[Shelley]

minimum safe distances Between Street Musicians And The Public:

Minimum Safe Distances Between Street Musicians And The Public:

Violinist: 25 feet
BAD violinist: 50 feet
Tone-deaf guitar player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15-year-old electric guitar player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

 

[brain]

Oh Solo ....... solo ... solo as alone!

A pastor of a congregation is a very fair man.
He believed in equal opportunity for everyone
no matter what! PERIOD! NO EXCEPTIONS!

Well, one day, this shy gentleman, had this
favorite song, and his beloved grandmother
whom was deceased fell upon a certain specific
Sunday. He confronted the pastor of that church
and insisted that he sing solo in tribune to his
beloved grandmother.

Now this pastor realized he just put himself into
a hole. Everyone in church knew this man cannot
sing a tune, not even off key. But he truly believed
he could sing tenor.

The pastor was firm with his promise, but was
clever, he had him to sing it at the end of the
service; however the sound man stated, "SIR?
This man cannot sing tenor!" The Pastor merely
glanced and said "Indeed not, maybe ten or
fifty miles away, but at the end of the service
everyone's departing."

 

[renee97]

How do you frustrate a soprano? Ask her to read music.
What's the difference betweena cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse inside.

And after receiving an email from a cellist with a fairly narrow opinion of composers, I couldn't agree more!

 

[brain]

And the Drummers played the drums ... (and I'm insulting myself - LOL)

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before
figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn
his throne (but only after they figure out that you
have to turn the bulb).
4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen
to drink until the room spins.
5. None. They have a machine to do that.

````````````````````````````````

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

````````````````````````````````

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

:banana: :dancing2: :rock:

 

[Shelley]

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: How do you make musicians complain?
A: Pay them.

Q: How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one knows, no one ever looks at him.

Q: whats the differance between a pianist and god?
A: god doesn't think he's a pianist

Q: how many drummers does it take to change a light buld?
A: "oops, i broke it!"

Q:Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?
A:Terrorists have sympathizers

Q:How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do call Bach?
A: Dead.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Two brass players walked out of a bar...


Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?
A: A Flat Miner

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: Why was the musician arrested?
A: He was in treble

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Two drummers walk past a bar...

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.