Addicted to Lowered Seizure Threshhold?

[Scarlette]

Over the past year,my Dr. has been experimenting with my medication. Short and sweet, I was increased on Keppra and added Vimpat, and gradually increasing the dosage on both.
It's been hard to get to the point where my seizures are controlled and the current combination of the two seems to be working. However, over the past year I have been so...out of it,for lack of a better way to describe it, that I got used to feeling that way. My social anxiety went through the roof and I started dissociating to keep from having panic attacks. Basically it feels like my mind is not in my body and I'm controlling my body from a distance. Voices are far off and since I'm not there I am not panicking. I hope this makes sense.
Anyway,sometimes I am clear headed and it's getting to where being clear headed is uncomfortable for me. So occasionally I try and do things to purposefully lower my seizure threshold to get that out of it feeling. Has anyone else felt this way? It's so weird.

 

[jyearta]

Let me get this right, you like having seizures?

 

[Nakamova]

My social anxiety went through the roof and I started dissociating to keep from having panic attacks.

Dissociation is not a good way to deal with panic attacks. Your anxiety may well be related to the Keppra and/or the Vimpat, both of which can cause mood-related side effects. I think the fact that you are deliberately trying to feel "out of it" is a sign that the Keppra and Vimpat aren't working well for you. You need to have a good talk with your neurologist about the meds, and the possibility of trying something else.

If the anxiety is not related to meds, then you may want to see a counselor or therapist to learn healthy strategies for coping with it.

 

[Scarlette]

I do not like having seizures. What I was trying to describe isn't a seizure. It could be an aura,or it could be a side affect of the meds. I have no idea. It used to scare the hell out of me and I would have emotional breakdowns all the time and this was before I started the meds I'm on now. I did this as a child when we thought I had outgrown epilepsy. It isn't until recently that I learned to just go with it. Let me see if I can describe it a little better because I realize the information was a little disorganized.
If I get nervous or anxious(usually when I'm out in public or in a large crowd) I go into a space in my head where it actually feels like I'm floating above my body and controlling my body like a puppet. In extreme cases my limbs go a bit numb and if I hold my hand up it feels like my hand does not belong to me and is an inanimate object like a balloon. From research on the internet I'm just guessing that this is dissociation. I don't actually now what it is. I get this feeling more intensely when my seizure threshold is lowered because this is the way I feel just before an actual seizure. However, I do not have a seizure whenever this feeling occurs.
And trust me,I am trying to get in to see a psychiatrist. I've already shared a tiny bit of this stuff with my nuerologist this and she said go find a psychiatrist but she said I should stay on the meds because they control the grand mal seizures. Apparently keeping me walking is her primary goal.
I've accepted I will always have emotional and social problems since I have my entire life. I've always been isolated. It's always bothered me. And now...I'm just getting to the point where I don't care. I'm completely apathetic and it's like I'm numb to my own emotions most of the time. That numbness is what's keeping me going. So now if I have a day that I'm clear headed it freaks me out because I don't know how to deal with it,lol.

 

[Cint]

Hi Scarlette,

As Nakamova said, dissociation is not a good way to deal with your panic attacks. I was once on so much medication to try to control my seizures, that I was almost catatonic. But I did not enjoy being "out of it", nor did I do it purposely. It was all of the med for seizures and mood stabilizers that was doing it. My neuro, a neuropsychiatrist, a therapist and I finally were able to work out a plan and slowly go off some of the meds
to help me. I much prefer being clear headed and not having as many seizures.

I suggest you find a counselor to help you out, also.

 

[Scarlette]

Yeah, I know you are absolutely right and I will as soon as I can get into the clinic in town that's on a sliding scale since I don't have insurance that covers that sort of thing. Atm it is the only thing keeping me sane.
Here's a funny side note. I write music and find that I can write more interesting lyrics when I'm in this state of mind.

 

[Nakamova]

A bit like writing down images from a dream, right? You can some interesting ideas that way...

If there's a wait to see a psychiatrist, you might try a social worker or psychologist instead. They can't prescribe meds, but that may be just as well given that you are already on two things that can mess with your brain.

I understand your neurologist's concern about keeping you seizure-free, but she should also be concerned if you are potentially having side effects that are messing with your ability to function properly. I recommend that you have a more detailed discussion with her about what's going on, and ask about other meds that are know to have better track records in terms of mood-related side effects.

 

[LJ-Bain]

Scarlette

I think you are very brave for putting this out there! It means you recognize there is an issue to deal with and you are looking for some understanding and solutions.
That's awesome that you can tap your creativity when you are feeling this way and try to express what you are feeling. That is an amazing outlet for your emotions. Go with it!

Isolation is a lonely thing and there are many people here who can identify with that.
So many of us can't drive or work or live in a rural area where finding people to talk to is a challenge. Especially when we have to deal with the issues of seizures to complicate matters.

What is that Pink Floyd lyric? I have become comfortably numb? It just goes to show that you are not alone in feeling this way.
Hugs.

 

[Scarlette]

Yes ,exactly! Nakamova like a dream. You're less restricted when the subconscious is more engaged. I've come to see it as both a blessing and a curse. I think the greatest artists are all troubled in some way and so self expression becomes essential to living. I'm very passionate about what I write.
LJ-Bain
I'm really not that brave. I've been told by many that I talk too much and say too much. It's like the inhibitor that exists for many people to know what is appropriate to say isn't there for me. I get in a lot of trouble that way. Isolation is lonely ,but I'm excepting that as part of who I am as well. I'm tired of fighting with myself. So...this is me,lol. And I love,love,love Pink Floyd! I could listen to them all day because I relate to most of their lyrics.