Thanks for the replies, it haas been a long two years of recovery, I do take fish oil and I am part of a few support groups for TBI, I even went to an adult day care program for a few week last spring, it helped find other issues like my balance is not good if I shake my head and walk, its a visual tracking issue.
In the last two years I have learned a lot, was able to comprehend the hospital reports, found out I went status when they tried to intubate me, the funny thing is, it was only a few months prior in the spring that I was finally able to prove I had epilepsy on an EEG, after having a partial seizure on a red eye flight to Atlanta from Las Vegas, no one noticed, not even the people sitting next to me, when we took off and the cabin went dark the cart monitors flickered on while I closed my eyes, and it hit me like a brick wall, I arrived in Atlanta, sleep deprived, post ictal, and having to wait for yet another flight to get me to my job I was working on.
When I had my first seizure, I was alone in bed, I was awake and conscious for the start of a grand mal, my neurologist at the time was treating me for essential tremors and refused to believe that I had a seizure, because I was already on AED meds, I went through several EEG's and switched doctors.
I tell this story because the same jackass that refused to believe I had epilepsy, was the same doctor that prescribed Dilantin when I went status, I guess I showed that bozo...
My dogs have been a huge help in my recovery, the main reason I fought and refused to be put in a residential facility, I needed to get home, I would cry and pray at night to get home, I hate hospitals, and I hate being a patient in one even more, the food was so bad at one point I escaped the hospital, and went looking for food, I only remember being in line somewhere and realizing that I didn't have my wallet or any money and had to put the food back, I even called my mom on my cell phone and told her I escaped, she was upset and begged me to go back, I did, even made it back to my room. Months later I came to realize I was walking around in broad daylight in nothing but a hospital gown.
It has taken 2 years just to comprehend all the damage done, at first I couldn't understand, thought a hemorrhage or hematoma wasn't a big deal, I wanted to get back to work, I had a tour to finish(concert tour). My doctors were not the best help, they were ok, they tried to make the head injury seem like it wasn't that big of a deal because all the bleeding had stopped.
I watched a program on concussions on PBS, that filled me in on that I needed an fMRI to see if I had damage to the white matter of the brain, I suspected I had a diffuse axonal injury, not just bilateral hematomas and contusions. My suspicions were correct, there was evidence of brain damage, the nurse and doctor did not go over the fMRI with me very well, and the neurologist argued that I didn't have diffuse axonal damage, even after I pointed out the radiologist at the hospital suspected it.
Later a second neurologist that rated my disability confirmed I indeed had sustained a diffuse axonal injury. I am kind of looking for a new neurologist, the one I have has been ok for the tremors and seizures, but hasn't been much help with the TBI, other than offering me ritalin and antidepressants, both of which I turned down.
It is a hard path that I am on, it is just painful at times to talk to friends and family, I talk with my Mom every day and she doesn't understand, keeps apologizing when I can't understand what she is trying to say or talking about(I have a hard time with pronouns and when people are not specific) its not my Moms fault and I get angry when she tries to make it all about her, I tell her no, its me, I don't understand its not your fault, and she feels she has to talk to me every single day which would be nice if I had anything to talk about, often I get lost listening to her talk about her day, it isn't fun.
I also have issues with good friends who push their religious beliefs on me, I can handle it to a point but many of my family friends are born again christians and they feel they MUST preach, I had to flee last sunday, I asked them to stop please, and they tried to justify it and kept going on about Old Testament god and how God hates mankind, and murdered all the Egyptians after they kept the Jews as slaves for 400 years and that is why Egypt would never ever be great again. I can't handle stuff like that, its ugly, and not my religion, not my god. But it is forced down my throat and they don't think they are being bad, they correct me when I say I was lucky, they prefer to say I was Blessed, I don't feel blessed, I am 38 and my life as I knew it is over, the harder they push the more I hate their god, and beliefs.
So I have friends but they don't understand this, one of them has had a stroke but nothing like this. I am still friends with the christian born agains, my mom goes and studies with them and has found something good in it, she doesn't go to the literal extreme that they do.
My friends I had from work rarely visit, but I do see them on Facebook, for a long time Facebook was my only social outlet, and it wasn't always a good one, I nearly got locked up in the insane asylum a few times for saying suicidal thoughts. The first couple months and year there were many times I had wished I had died in the fall, my christian friends couldn't understand this, and I doubt they ever will, but they have been a huge support for my Mom and for me, drove me when I couldn't drive. It took a year and a half to get to where i could drive again.
So I consider myself lucky to be alive, but never blessed, to be blessed would be to have never had this injury.
One of my next steps is to find a good therapist, my christian friends think its a bad idea and that I just need Jesus, but they are very wrong headed, they mean well, but are just wrong. I don't want to be on a bunch of more drugs, I just need someone who I can talk to that understands the brain, and who doesn't try to push religious dogma down my throat.
Please I mean to offense to Christians, my friends are good people, but they are blinded by the light of their faith, I don't think they can understand me, they are conservative born again christians, and I am a liberal, bisexual, who believe in science and god, just not the god written about in the Old Testament, which I find abhorrent.
Anyways I look forward to another try at college, and I am happy to at least be home with my dogs and not locked up in some asylum, or being retrained to work at walmart.
I had a great career, which I do miss, but accept that it would be to much for my brain.
I am not sure if I will ever have a normal social life again, I highly doubt ever finding a long term relationship, I guess I am ok with that, but life does get lonely sometimes, my dogs are good company, but not much for conversation, but then neither are most of my friends.
I am hoping that I will meet new people and form new connections when I return to college, I am only taking one or two courses to start, I will see how well I do from there.
