My Terrible Confession.

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Senjuro

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I know I'm about to lose a lot of respect after this post, and I'm certain I deserve it.

In 2014, I made a post about how I had faked seizures until age 19, but the truth is it was longer than that. When I wrote that post, I had just recently faked another when I started to feel more shame and self-loathing than I could deal with any longer.

I have had 3 grand mal seizures in my life, the last one in 2005 was the worst. After that, I faked my way into a shitstorm of upped dosages. I don't even know what to do now, I've backed myself into a corner I can't get out of without hurting so many people I love.

I don't deserve it but I need help, and I don't know anywhere else to ask for it. How do I reverse this? Also, I'm sorry for the language.
 
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Hi Senjuro,
I'm sorry you are dealing with all of those negative feelings. Shame and self-loathing are terrible emotions that no one should have to live with. I looked at the 2014 post you were referring to. It doesn't matter if the last seizure you faked was in 2005, or 2014, or yesterday, it matters that you do what you can to make better choices in the future. And you are here asking for help so that is a good step in the right direction.
Have you ever seen a mental health professional to try and deal with the epilepsy, the faked seizures, and your family problems? I sort of think that's the best next step for you.
 
I don't know why, but I was fully expecting some harsher feedback. I always forget there are safe places even on the internet.

I have seen a mental health professional in the past, but that was a long time ago. Like, pediatrics long time ago lol. I've been trying to find a decent mental health professional that my insurance will cover. Which is unimaginably fewer doctors than you might think insurance provided by a hospital would include.

I'm also at the mercy of the only transportation I have, which is my busy parents. :(

I appreciate your kind and helpful response.
 
I'm finding it hard to understand why you would fake a seizure? Is it to get out of doing certain things, to claim certain benefits? Or just for attention?
Could you elaborate on why you started and continue to fake seizures?
 
There is obviously a powerful psychological reason for your behavior.
This does not make you a bad person or unworthy of help or a decent life.
Try not to punish yourself for being human.

Please find a way to get to a professional therapist that can help you handle what you are living with, your life does not have to be this way and can get much better with proper care.
 
Howll said:
I'm finding it hard to understand why you would fake a seizure? Is it to get out of doing certain things, to claim certain benefits? Or just for attention?
Could you elaborate on why you started and continue to fake seizures?
Click to expand...

The only reason was a selfish grab attention, there were no benefits other than that.

When this started, all 6 of my siblings lived at home. Needless to say, my parents attention was pretty divided. But, when I had a seizure (a real one), I was the focus of attention for a while.

I just don't know why I kept doing it... I don't understand it myself, really.

I feel I need to add that my epilepsy is very real, but the only time I have a seizure it seems is when it's a grand mal. I had a short stint of lesser seizures with migraines and nose bleeds, but it was nothing serious. (Obviously any seizure is serious, but I think you know what I meant.)
 
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Frink said:
There is obviously a powerful psychological reason for your behavior.
This does not make you a bad person or unworthy of help or a decent life.
Try not to punish yourself for being human.

Please find a way to get to a professional therapist that can help you handle what you are living with, your life does not have to be this way and can get much better with proper care.
Click to expand...

I'm currently searching for one at the moment. I just hope I can somehow lower my doses of seizure medications once I come clean...
 
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Senjuro said:
The only reason was a selfish grab attention, there were no benefits other than that.

When this started, all 6 of my siblings lived at home. Needless to say, my parents attention was pretty divided. But, when I had a seizure (a real one), I was the focus of attention for a while.

I just don't know why I kept doing it... I don't understand it myself, really.
Click to expand...

It sounds like "Munchausen syndrome", an illness where someone fakes an illness for the sake of attention!! You do need a psychiatrist to help you ASAP! Before more are hurt.

Once when I was in to see my epileptologist, I was reading a book about this disorder and she told me that she suspected another one of her patients was suffering the same thing. So it does happen. Seek help NOW!!

Check this website:
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/factitious-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20031319
 
Cint said:
It sounds like "Munchausen syndrome", an illness where someone fakes an illness for the sake of attention!! You do need a psychiatrist to help you ASAP! Before more are hurt
Click to expand...

Although It has been quite some time since my last incident, I can't help but agree with you. Hopefully some counseling will keep it that way. Thank you for the link!
 
Seeing A Professional Can Change Your World, IT Did For Me!

Senjuro,
You have had these problems in your past. NOW you need to think of yourself and work hard to make your future better for you!
Cint made a great diagnosis about 'Munchausen Syndrome'! This is something that all too many times doesn't get diagnosed until it is too late! You have made the best decision you have ever made when you decided to 'come clean'. A person has to admit they have a problem before they can fix that problem! By doing this you have shown that you care about yourself and the people around you! A professional will have the ability to show you how to climb out of that corner you talk about! When you move on to a professional I can say that you deserve all of the respect that I could give you because you had the ability to see what you had done and the strength needed to get the help that you need to fix that problem! :clap:

ACsHuman
 
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Thank you all so much for your comments, you've all be very helpful. I really needed all of this encouraging input today, you have no idea. I've felt so down since I posted this confession.

I think I'm going to wait until I see a professional to tell my parents. I feel like it would go over better that way.
 
Just make sure that whatever professional you see that it is someone knowledgeable about your medications so they can guide you through the process of weaning off process.
 
masterjen said:
Just make sure that whatever professional you see that it is someone knowledgeable about your medications so they can guide you through the process of weaning off process.
Click to expand...

Definitely. I don't think I ever mentioned it, but the entire reason I even had the 2005 seizure was because my neurologist was an asshat. He "weaned" me off way too fast, I went tonic-clonic and also had several strokes, winding up in a medically-induced coma...
 
Psychiatrists are hard to come by. *Good* psychiatrists can be nonexistent depending upon where you live. Try and find a doctor who doesn't just "treat symptoms" but takes the time to properly diagnose you. I learned this from experience the hard way. My first psychiatrist diagnosed me as having "psychotic disorder NOS". Turns out my proper diagnosis is "schizoaffective disorder bipolar type". Big difference there and without the proper diagnosis meant that my bipolar symptoms would've been uncontrolled. Not good.

Good luck!
 
You Have Beat Problems Vefore and You Can Beat This One TOO!

Senjuro,
Your last post tells us that you have faced difficult situations before and come out the winner. You CAN use that same ability to beat this problem too! You just have to take it one step at a time and NOT try and fix it without getting all of the help you will need! You have already seen what can happen when something is rushed when the doctor weaned you too quickly from your medication(s).

GOOD LUCK, :clap:
ACsHuman
 
I can't imagine how hard that must've been :( This is going to be a much longer process than I initially hoped.
 
acshuman said:
Senjuro,
Your last post tells us that you have faced difficult situations before and come out the winner. You CAN use that same ability to beat this problem too! You just have to take it one step at a time and NOT try and fix it without getting all of the help you will need! You have already seen what can happen when something is rushed when the doctor weaned you too quickly from your medication(s).

Heh, I guess you're right, except the real seizures weren't my fault... It feels like the hurt and loss of trust my telling the truth will cause is going to be so, so much worse.

I'm sorry I didn't respond to you earlier, acshuman - when I logged in, only resaebiunne's response had loaded.
Click to expand...
 
When you seek a psychiatrist, make sure it is a neuropsychiatrist because like resaebiunne said, a good dr. to treat this kind of thing is hard to come by. A person with something this complicated needs a good dr. I was seeing a neuropsychiatrist because of the deep depression that often accompanies TLE. The university hospital I where I saw my epileptologist also had a neuropsychiatrist on staff to help folks like me. Plus, they can work together to get you off the AEDs and find what is really going on.
 
Great bit of information! Thank you, Cint, I just thought a psychiatrist was what I needed. Neuropsychiatrist sounds like just what I need!
 
Instead of posting here, Senjuro, and telling people they have given good advice, put the advice into action and DO something about the problem!! :)
 
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