Need some insight

[wonderdogs]

So my husband was in some kind of mood yesterday. He blew up at me and his reasons were the dumbest things I have heard of: I didn't close the drawer in the bathroom all the way, I did't take out the trash, and when he gave me a choice of going out to dinner or going home to watch a Christmas special on TV and when I said "I don't care, it's up to you" he blew up because I "could not make a simple decision."

I keep thinking there HAS to be something more behind this fit of rage. I can't help but wonder if he is having difficulty dealing with my epilepsy diagnosis. I have been dealing with these symptoms for about 6 months without a diagnosis and he has been supportive of all my doctors appointments and tests and everything. Finally last Thursday I got an answer. I don't know if he thought it was something that would just "go away" and now that we know it's a little more complicated than that he doesn't want to deal with it.

Does anyone else have any insight on this? Thanks in advance.

 

[Birdbomb]

Oh yeah...he has issues!

Men like to think they can "fix" problems. With epilepsy, there are no easy solutions or fixes. He feels helpless. Now another point is, YOU are now "different" than the person he married. Some men (my husband included) cannot accept changes in their spouses. They are content with the original package and when something changes their expectations, they just can't cope.

If you can find a local support group, I think you ought to check them out. Drag him along if he'll go, if not, go by yourself. They may be able to offer you tools in dealing with this. You may also want to seek counseling, just to get over the hump.

A diagnosis is NOT the end of the world, it's a starting point. It gives you the opportuity to LEARN about your situation and the more you know, the better you will cope with it.

You are just going to have to reassure him that you are still the same person. Life has no guaranetees and ANYTHING can alter our bodies, lifestyle and minds.

 

[RobinN]

I know how difficult it is being a parent of someone with the disorder, and having a spouse that is in denial.
Therapy has helped Rebecca and I through the rough times.

I think Bernard can possibly help you with the emotional side effects of helping a spouse through the rough spots. It certainly is something you both are coping with.

 

[Bernard]

I knew about Stacy's epilepsy from the get go. I didn't understand all the ramifications of it at the time we made lifelong commitments to each other, but I chose her for better or worse and will always stick by her.

I think BB pretty much nailed it. One thing he can do is educate himself about epilepsy. It helps to deal with it when you understand it better.

 

[Nancy]

"One thing he can do is educate himself about epilepsy" Now, why should a husband do anything like that? It's none of HIS business.

My husband was able to totally ignore epilepsy from 1990 until all the trouble with the tumor started in 2007. That required his attention and for the first time I realized I wasn't a sick monster for needing it.
~whew~

 

[BensalemAngler]

I must say education is good but too much is also very bad and might scare him more. Being a male myself and been dealing with my son's SZ is still all new to me.

I "lash" out sometimes, and I know why. It is the feeling of no control. It is not like other things when you know they are coming, but with SZ you have no idea. You could be anywhere any time and who knows for how long.

Being an "outsider" as your husband and I are it is hard, we want you to be safe, we want nothing to hurt you, we want to protect you. But the reality is there is nothing we can do, we sit with you when it happens, put you on you side, make you comfortable, time it, pray that it is over soon, hope we know where the diastat is, wonder if we should call 911.

I have always been a person who was scared of nothing. When ever something bad was happening (no matter what it was) I never showed loss of control b/c I never think of what is going to happen only what has to be done. With my son's SZ I only think of what will happen and this SCARES THE HELL out of me. And I am guessing you husband too.

Bottom Line: Hug him tell him things will be ok and he is doing all he can...

 

[Bernard]

:agree:

 

[brain]

I usually don't like to say this, but
this one has a spin and a twist .. Read on:

My ex at first just tolerated it, until it came to
the point he could take it no more and became
verbally and physically violent. Without going
through so much details - we did go through
all the hoops and hurdles to try to save it.
Even the counseling to SEA & EF stepping in
failed. Medical Doctors tried to intervene,
and he just would not accept it. It got to the
point where he deemed it all 'psychiatric'.

He just went psycho on both my son and I
for we both have neurological problems. Like
mother, like son. But fortunately we finally
got out of it.

Today - he wished he hadn't done what he
did, as he's now remarried to his 3rd wife and
we also found out it wasn't that he didn't
know anything about Epilepsy ... HE KNEW
ALL ABOUT EPILEPSY - FOR HE HAD IT TOO!
He kept it hidden, he sustained it from a
head injury, however, it only lasted for
about 5-7 years, he couldn't remember,
but he just did not want to be on Dilantin
anymore (they had him on 2000 mg of it
daily and that is not a typo, two thousand
mg 1000mg x 2) to control his seizures.
He was suffering from severe Petit Mals
(Absence).

It wasn't about me. It wasn't about our
son. It was all about him. He was fearful
that they would come after him and
take away his Driver's License. He was
told he would never drive again.

What he didn't know was that head
injuries heads, and seizures do fade
away and disappear. But he was declared
an "Epileptic" (before he met me).

I never knew this until long after the
divorce. But I will admit there were
a couple of times were he had sat
there with a blank stare briefly and
with a rapid blink a couple of times in
our early part of our marriage, but he
worked so much and I hardly ever saw
him, so it was difficult to state anything.

However, he also commented that when
he had to take me to the ER one night,
his old Neuro was on-call and he saw
him and they had a fight (argument),
and he was threatened to be reported
to the DMV because of his refusal to be
treated for his Epilepsy. This was why
he hated Neuros and which would explain
why his odd-behavior during the latter
part of our marriage. He never disclosed
who that Neuro was.

As stated - he's full of remorse, even
though he's happily married to his 3rd
wife; but .... to us, he's considered a
selfish inconsiderate clod! Because all
he thought was his own best interest
only and no one else's, while tearing
up his own family.

AND ALL THIS TIME, I had been blaming
my neurological condition and Epilepsy
for destroying it!

 

[RobinN]

I figured out something a while back, when my husband and I were at each other about the care of our daughter. It isn't about him, it isn't about me. It is about the safety and help our daughter needs to get through each day.

My husband isn't willing to learn about the disorder. His way would be to put it firmly in the hands of a traditional doctor and be done with it. I seem to see things differently, and believe that knowledge is my best route to take. I have learned things that I would never have been taught by a traditional doctor.

It might be helpful for you to tell him what you need him to do and how you want him to do it.

Maybe we should have spouse night here on CWE.

Interesting... my husband has never seen a seizure. Thinks I am going a bit over the top with the diet. I had a specialist suggest that I tell him that when Rebecca is free and clear of seizures for two years then he can begin to question the approach. But for now anything and everything is a possibility. Sounds good to me. Nothing I am doing is hurting her.