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I'm not sure what is going on but lately I've been feeling more vulnerable...in general...I feel like the whole world has cornered me and is taunting me and throwing stones at me (basically constantly attacking me) and I'm about ready to transform into a werewolf (so to speak) and start tearing everything to shreds...I've been going to counseling and taking supplements that are suppose to help calm me down but obviously it's not enough...I really don't want to tranquilize myself but that might just be what it takes...
Nevertheless...I have been hospitalized before for my "explosive" nature (and was given the diagnosis "Intermittent Explosive Disorder")...but it's been a while...there was too much stimulation...mainly negative...and I lost it...except I didn't direct my rage at any people...I directed it at physical objects...when I go into these "fits of rage" my mind goes blank and it's like I'm in some sort of "killing machine" mode where no thoughts/emotions interfere with my actions...I've had enough of everything...so that's when I decided to one day pick up a guitar and start playing...to hopefully channel myself through some sort of creative and not destructive means...my tastes in music were at the time very violent/hostile...but over the years I have found more "healthy" alternatives because a lot changed in my life...for one...I was blessed with an amazing wife and cat (now two kitties)...and the dark and destructive me had been buried and put to rest (for the most part)...but lately I feel like something deep inside me is happening...something I can't control...something far worse than before...it's like everything that I have become passionate about is being taken from me and there is nothing I can do...when I was alone I felt like I didn't have much to lose but now that I have been blessed with so much I'm afraid of losing it all...so in a sense you could say I am fighting an internal war with myself...nobody is losing...nobody is winning...it's all an illusion yet it seems so real...to me...yeah I know what Yoda would say "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." but I am no Jedi...I am a "Sith" and a "Heretic" because I am not a team player nor do I follow any religious beliefs/or celebrate any mainstream traditions...I am simply ME and I do as I please...with that being said I am neither a "Scrooge"...I just feel highly misunderstood and for that reason I am perceived to be something I am not...bottom line I have my reasons...I love life yet I often feel I allow myself to be limited by my condition/sensitivities...but even when I muster up enough strength/confidence to be bold/spontaneous I always feel like I have to take baby steps because if I don't I this alarm goes off inside my mind like someone keeps pressing a "panic button" and won't stop until I go back to my "comfort zone"...yeah I know it's a struggle...and like I've said before...nothing worth living for in life comes easy...but sometimes you don't feel like living...just existing for sanities sake...there are times when you can go and "live life to the fullest"...but then there are moments when you just want to lay down and do nothing...maybe that's what I need more of...maybe I need to stop trying to "live" so much or stop worrying that "I'm not living my life to the fullest" all the time and just "let go"...that's always been the biggest struggle for me..."letting go"...I hate not feeling in control...but what is "control" really??? No such thing...yet we want to believe that such a thing exists in a universe so chaotic...we all want to know the true meaning of life...but in order to come before the "tree of life" we must first pass the "tree of knowledge" and for some of us we will either find madness and be driven insane or find clarity and peace of mind...
I always wondered if there was something specific triggering these "fits of rage"...or if I was having some type of seizure...all I know is that I feel like the pressure has built up to a point to where I can no longer hold it back...like a volcano or dam about to let loose...it's a really scary not to mention unhealthy experience...because I can never tell when it's going to happen...like I said I "blank out"...there's too much noise in my head...(flies everywhere)...and no way of turning it off (making it go away)...or at least one that I haven't found...yet
Most people decide to take the easy way out...but I have too much to live for and I'm not giving up...
Nevertheless...I have been hospitalized before for my "explosive" nature (and was given the diagnosis "Intermittent Explosive Disorder")...but it's been a while...there was too much stimulation...mainly negative...and I lost it...except I didn't direct my rage at any people...I directed it at physical objects...when I go into these "fits of rage" my mind goes blank and it's like I'm in some sort of "killing machine" mode where no thoughts/emotions interfere with my actions...I've had enough of everything...so that's when I decided to one day pick up a guitar and start playing...to hopefully channel myself through some sort of creative and not destructive means...my tastes in music were at the time very violent/hostile...but over the years I have found more "healthy" alternatives because a lot changed in my life...for one...I was blessed with an amazing wife and cat (now two kitties)...and the dark and destructive me had been buried and put to rest (for the most part)...but lately I feel like something deep inside me is happening...something I can't control...something far worse than before...it's like everything that I have become passionate about is being taken from me and there is nothing I can do...when I was alone I felt like I didn't have much to lose but now that I have been blessed with so much I'm afraid of losing it all...so in a sense you could say I am fighting an internal war with myself...nobody is losing...nobody is winning...it's all an illusion yet it seems so real...to me...yeah I know what Yoda would say "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." but I am no Jedi...I am a "Sith" and a "Heretic" because I am not a team player nor do I follow any religious beliefs/or celebrate any mainstream traditions...I am simply ME and I do as I please...with that being said I am neither a "Scrooge"...I just feel highly misunderstood and for that reason I am perceived to be something I am not...bottom line I have my reasons...I love life yet I often feel I allow myself to be limited by my condition/sensitivities...but even when I muster up enough strength/confidence to be bold/spontaneous I always feel like I have to take baby steps because if I don't I this alarm goes off inside my mind like someone keeps pressing a "panic button" and won't stop until I go back to my "comfort zone"...yeah I know it's a struggle...and like I've said before...nothing worth living for in life comes easy...but sometimes you don't feel like living...just existing for sanities sake...there are times when you can go and "live life to the fullest"...but then there are moments when you just want to lay down and do nothing...maybe that's what I need more of...maybe I need to stop trying to "live" so much or stop worrying that "I'm not living my life to the fullest" all the time and just "let go"...that's always been the biggest struggle for me..."letting go"...I hate not feeling in control...but what is "control" really??? No such thing...yet we want to believe that such a thing exists in a universe so chaotic...we all want to know the true meaning of life...but in order to come before the "tree of life" we must first pass the "tree of knowledge" and for some of us we will either find madness and be driven insane or find clarity and peace of mind...
I always wondered if there was something specific triggering these "fits of rage"...or if I was having some type of seizure...all I know is that I feel like the pressure has built up to a point to where I can no longer hold it back...like a volcano or dam about to let loose...it's a really scary not to mention unhealthy experience...because I can never tell when it's going to happen...like I said I "blank out"...there's too much noise in my head...(flies everywhere)...and no way of turning it off (making it go away)...or at least one that I haven't found...yet
Most people decide to take the easy way out...but I have too much to live for and I'm not giving up...
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