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  #61  
Old 12-01-2008, 08:13 PM
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EPILEPSY AWARENESS
"ZIGGY"
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  #62  
Old 02-15-2009, 01:43 PM
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Talking Why you need to avoid the UK's National Health Service (fun)...


These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS

Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid..
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities .
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed .
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.



Stay away from hospitals !
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  #63  
Old 02-22-2009, 02:02 AM
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Talking The Bathtub Admission Question


During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.."

"Oh, I understand," I said "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed near the window?"



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  #64  
Old 06-29-2009, 05:56 PM
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An 18 yr old young lady gose into a hosptal for wrist surgery. so the nurse comes into to room and see's her mother nursing an infant and ask the young lady how old her son was. needless to say she wasn't allowed to be nurse for that young lady
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When life spins out of control i hang on for the ride and remember that i'm still alive and can walk wich reminds me that life isnt always as bad as it seems.

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  #65  
Old 12-02-2010, 02:30 PM
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Doctor Doctor, I think I'm a dog;
Just lie on the couch;
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture!
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  #66  
Old 01-18-2011, 05:28 AM
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Doctor Doctor, I think I am a curtain;
Oh, just pull yourself together !
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  #67  
Old 01-18-2011, 08:21 AM
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Doctor Doctor!
It hurts when I touch my nose, it hurts when I touch my chin, it hurts when I touch my toes, it hurts when I touch my knees! It even hurts when I touch my belly button!

Looks like you broke your finger. quit poking things.
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FALL SEVEN TIMES, STAND UP EIGHT- JAPANESE PROVERB
THEY SAY YOU CAN'T DIVIDE ANYTHING BY ZERO. IF YOU DIVIDE SOMETHING BY ZERO, YOU GET INFINITY. AND THE ONLY THING THAT IS INFINITE IS LOVE.
NEVER LOOK DOWN ON SOMEONE UNLESS YOU ARE HELPING THEM UP.
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  #68  
Old 03-11-2011, 10:29 PM
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OBGYN Appt.


An elderly woman went to a scheduled ob-gyn appointment. While everything was normal, she mentioned to the doctor her husband was having a hard time getting an erection.

The doctor said "Just tell him to come in and I will prescribe him Viagra."

The woman said "Are you kidding me? I have a hard enough time getting that man to take a Tylenol during a headache- he hates pills!"

After thinking for a moment, the doctor told the woman he would prescribe her Viagra, and she should slip half a pill in his coffee every morning. He told her to come back in two weeks and let him know how everything is going.

The woman returned two weeks later.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked

"It was awful, just awful." The woman complained

"The sex was that bad?" the doctor asked, surprised

"No...the sex was great. He ripped my clothes off right after breakfast, swept everything off the table and had the best sex I have had in thirty years on that table."

"So what was the problem?" the doctor asked, perplexed.

"I will never be able to show my face in IHOP again!"
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  #69  
Old 06-18-2011, 06:43 PM
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tooo funny !
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  #70  
Old 11-03-2011, 02:07 PM
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A custodian who also happened to be a cannibal got a job at a hospital...Doctors there began disappearing. Then a nurse didn't come in for her shift..The custodian was called into the human resource person's office. She looked at him and said "did you eat a nurse?" and the custodian nodded his head. The hr person said, "When you were eating doctors everything was fine but now you've gone and eaten someone who actually does something"
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  #71  
Old 11-03-2011, 03:36 PM
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Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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  #72  
Old 08-07-2013, 02:27 AM
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thankyou


I needed a laugh just now thank you again
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  #73  
Old 05-15-2017, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by TeeTees View Post:
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS

Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid..
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities .
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed .
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.



Stay away from hospitals !
This really gave me a smile, especially as I'm from Glasgow. I've heard some pretty ridiculous ones applied to myself by Glasgow doctors.
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  #74  
Old 05-19-2017, 10:11 PM
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Originally Posted by TeeTees View Post:
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS

Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid..
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities .
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed .
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.



Stay away from hospitals !
These are great! But I don't understand what is unusual about #19. What am I missing?
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  #75  
Old 01-23-2019, 01:19 AM
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A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, “I’ve not seen you for a while.” The man replies, “Yes, I’ve been ill."
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  #76  
Old 01-23-2019, 04:39 AM
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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

1- Oops!
2- Has anyone seen my watch?
3- That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
4- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
5- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
6- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
7- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
8- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
9- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
10- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
11- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
12- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
13- Damn, there go the lights again...
14- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
15- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
16- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
17- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
18- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
19- Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
20- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
21- What do you mean, he's not insured?
22- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
23- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
24- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
25- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
26- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
27- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
28- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
29- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
30- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
31- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
32- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
__________________________________________________ ___________________


A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

__________________________________________________ ________________________


At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. Once they finish, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you're a surgeon”.
She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”

She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”

Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”
Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”
__________________________________________________ ________________________


"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

__________________________________________________ _______________________


Doctor: I have some bad news & some very bad news. The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

__________________________________________________ _________________________


Joe: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.
Ted: And did he?
Joe: Yes, I had to sell my car to pay the bill.

__________________________________________________ __________________________


A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

Doctor: I'm afraid you're dying and you don't have much time.
Patient: Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?
Doctor: 10
Patient: 10? 10 What? Months? Weeks? What?
Doctor: 10..9..8..7..
__________________________________________________ _________________________


Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side? He's all right now!

__________________________________________________ _________________________


Doctor: You are very sick.
Patient: Can I get a second opinion?
Doctor: Yes, of course! You are very ugly too!

__________________________________________________ _______________________

Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: Only if you aim it well enough!

__________________________________________________ _______________________


Patient: Doctor, I've swallowed a spoon.
Doctor: Sit down and don't stir.

__________________________________________________ _________________________


Q: What do you call a student that got C's all the way through med school?
A: Hopefully not your doctor.

__________________________________________________ __________________________

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

__________________________________________________ ________________________


Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
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Undiagnosed sufferer of Dysgraphia.
LEGO County, NY Fire Service
RTLS went well 4 years down, life to go!, *Trileptal 900MG AM / 1200MG PM* (until I feel ready to reduce dosage once other issues are under control)
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