dealing with life AFTER severe depression

[mylo]

my life went down really fast within 10 days or so. started with my mother assaulting me for crying and venting (not offensively), i had to call the cops after which i moved to my dad's. 3 days later my dad gets in a fight with her boyfriend and lands in jail for the night. then the worst thing happens when i speak with my ex (i left her FOR HER BENEFIT, because i was just a miserable sack of crap, and was bringing her down) to find out she's tried seeing another guy but tells me she feels nothing when he kisses her and that she loves me. i felt like she was hiding something and i was right, 3 days later she tells me she's been drinking heavily and partying and even at one point let herself get molested by her best friend's brother because she didn't want to ruin her birthday. she didn't want to get back together with me because she wants to continue her risky lifestyle, she apologized and left me high and dry.

i don't remember much after that. just a lot of lying in bed crying, popping up to 400 mg of tramadol several times (opioid, comes in 50 mg tablets usually) and going to my friend's house or work strung out on painkillers to deal with life.

my sister intervened and took me to the doctor. she talked me out of suicide as well. really, she's the only thing i have as my alcoholic father's judgement is too cloudy to recognize depression and my mother only cares about herself.

my most recent diagnoses is treatment resistant depression after reviewing the medications i've been on (i went to this same doc 4 years ago). he told me he'd put me on wellbutrin and add celexa a week after. if that didn't work he'd try a tricyclic dopamine reuptake inhibitor (can't remember the name) that's only available in his clinic's pharmacy. other than that he mentioned ECT (but said he's never used it and doesn't like it) and deep brain stimulation (which i'd never be able to afford).

i feel a lot better a few days later, i'm going to assume it's the wellbutrin and excessive pot-smoking. my sister moved me back into my mother's house and talked my mom into letting me smoke pot (which i believe has helped ease the ruminating thoughts and suicidal ideation tremendously).

now the only problem is energy and motivation. i work at a fast food restaurant and recently they moved me up to drive thru position which is among the most stressful positions, really. i find myself thinking about my ex over practically anything, any little reminder sets off the alarms in my head.

my sister gave me some generic dexedrine yesterday (the doctor doesn't mind her using even though she obtains it illicitly as long as she doesn't exceed reasonable doses) and it worked, somewhat, however i still had a brief painful moment at work when i remembered her smile and thought to myself that i let everything slip away...

now i just don't have the drive to live. all i can say is that the wellbutrin killed the drive to die, but sometimes i just want to pick up an opiate addiction and let my life revolve around that (can't be more of a miserable experience than the majority of my depressed life), after all at least opiate users have highs to their lows instead of my constantly low state.

i have a horrible amount of work today as well... i clock in at 5 and i'm already hating the idea of work today...

 

[Cint]

Mylo,

If you are feeling really down and out, call someone who cares, your sister. Or the dr. who prescribed Wellbutrin and tell him/her it doesn't work. Find a counselor you can talk with on a weekly basis at least....... Don't give up! Hang in there!

 

[giveasmile]

Opiates are definitely not the relief you are looking for. Any relief will be short-lived (if at all) and all other issues will multiply.

I agree that the doctor prescribing the anti-depressants must know exactly where you're at-- including any self medicating you add.

I also read in your profile that you have seizures but are not on any AED. Are you controling your seizures via another method? Depending on where your seizures start, or generalize to, (which can change) it's possible that it's adding to the trouble. Maybe it would be good to check in with your Neurologist again too.

 

[kirsten]

Hi Mylo. Sorry you're having such a hard time. Take care with that label of 'treatment resistant depression.' If your epilepsy isn't controlled and you're self medicating with codeine and pot, that may well be what is making your depression difficult to treat. Could be that if you follow the route plotted out by a neurologist and a psychiatrist, your depression might be very treatable. I've been on the same road as you are on now. When I started listening to my doctors and quit all the self-medicating, my mood problems got so much better.

 

[Nakamova]

other than that he mentioned ECT (but said he's never used it and doesn't like it) and deep brain stimulation (which i'd never be able to afford).

Just as well -- neither of these treatment approaches are good for people with seizure disorders. (ECT is essentially a seizure administered in a controlled setting).

I hope you will take the advice of the posts above and reach out to your sister and any others who can offer stable, loving support. It sounds like at least for now you'd do well to steer clear of folks who are adding to your emotional stresses. Hang in there, and good luck.