Hi! So, as the heading says, I am being pressured to accept subsidized public housing, even though I can afford regular housing - my mother even filled out the form (private information) for me without my knowledge.... I don't like the word 'accusing' her of making what she considers the right decisions for me, but I am 30 and feel I should be able to make my own decisions. Has anyone else been in this situation? or related? Opinions, Experience and suggestions and more than welcome so I don't explode offend my mother. Rock in a hard place. Thanks Guys!!!!!!
Pressure to accept Public Housing
- Thread starter PixiDust
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PixiDust
I bet its not the first time decisions have been made for you without you knowing, its not easy trying not to explode. It is hard for others to realise we can make decisions, there seems to be a myth that a person with E cannot make up there own mind or decision. Unfortunately your mother thinks she is doing the right thing by you and that is her first priority, how you change this train of thought I am not sure. For me it took a lot of talking then arguing until I realised, they were under the impression I could not make the decision.
You have to subtlety try and change this idea, when paint is being picked for a room put your two cents in or whatever the situation is and when you are right say "now who decided" or something like that. Our Parents always think of us as children anyway no matter our age or E and it is something nobody can change but we can try and change the amount they think of us as children. Its not easy trying not to explode in this case however I think I would be a little firm in this situation.
I bet its not the first time decisions have been made for you without you knowing, its not easy trying not to explode. It is hard for others to realise we can make decisions, there seems to be a myth that a person with E cannot make up there own mind or decision. Unfortunately your mother thinks she is doing the right thing by you and that is her first priority, how you change this train of thought I am not sure. For me it took a lot of talking then arguing until I realised, they were under the impression I could not make the decision.
You have to subtlety try and change this idea, when paint is being picked for a room put your two cents in or whatever the situation is and when you are right say "now who decided" or something like that. Our Parents always think of us as children anyway no matter our age or E and it is something nobody can change but we can try and change the amount they think of us as children. Its not easy trying not to explode in this case however I think I would be a little firm in this situation.
Fed Up:
This defintly is NOT the first time decisions have been made for me. thanks for letting me know it is not just my imagination/personality which is getting in the way, but all epileptics face this. That is okay to have your pride when people say to you, as an epileptic, are in capable of having it because 'we need help'
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PixiDust
Well I do not know about all people with E I am sure there are some (I hope) who do not have this situation. Its not your imagination but yes like me your pride will be hurt and hurt bad which does not help, its not ok to have your pride hurt that is the problem that has to be overcome, how I have no idea except we keep trying.
You are every bit as good as anybody else and you have pride like all of us and you are entitled to have it. Never let go of it or who you are.
Well I do not know about all people with E I am sure there are some (I hope) who do not have this situation. Its not your imagination but yes like me your pride will be hurt and hurt bad which does not help, its not ok to have your pride hurt that is the problem that has to be overcome, how I have no idea except we keep trying.
You are every bit as good as anybody else and you have pride like all of us and you are entitled to have it. Never let go of it or who you are.
The problem is that it becomes a harder and harder to break pattern the longer you let it go on. It's up to you to break the pattern.
It's called putting your foot down. Politely but firmly (no yelling) tell her that you will make your own housing decisions thankyouverymuch.
Aloha Bird,
Yeah, putting my foot down is hard because she is passive agressive. That is, we will get in a heated discussion, and the next then you know it is as if it never happened. So, technically when I do it is hard to make it stick that I did make an effort. I don't want to go up to her and accuse her of not listening to me but it is getting hard when you don't get a response. I don't know, I guess I'm venting, but I just got off the phone with her about this and it went from ' this is whats going to happen' to 'its going to snow tomorrow' within 2 minutes. I know within 3 weeks the same conversation will come up again, with the same results. It's as if no matter how many times I put my foot down it is as if she talks for her benefit, not listening to my side of the story. Honestly, I feel like directing her to this site so she can see what it is I am trying to do- and the support I have in it. Thanks everyone.
Yeah, putting my foot down is hard because she is passive agressive. That is, we will get in a heated discussion, and the next then you know it is as if it never happened. So, technically when I do it is hard to make it stick that I did make an effort. I don't want to go up to her and accuse her of not listening to me but it is getting hard when you don't get a response. I don't know, I guess I'm venting, but I just got off the phone with her about this and it went from ' this is whats going to happen' to 'its going to snow tomorrow' within 2 minutes. I know within 3 weeks the same conversation will come up again, with the same results. It's as if no matter how many times I put my foot down it is as if she talks for her benefit, not listening to my side of the story. Honestly, I feel like directing her to this site so she can see what it is I am trying to do- and the support I have in it. Thanks everyone.
Pixi-
First of all, is your mother your legal care-giver or legal representative because of your epilepsy? If so, then what she feels is best for you by law has to be taken into consideration. But if not, you are an adult! And by being a legal adult you can make your own decisions. I have made lots of decisions as an adult my parents have not agreed to, and sometimes I have been right and sometimes they have been. It's called live and learn. The way I see it, if your decision to pursue housing on your own doesn't work, then go for the assisted housing.
The above probably won't seem to helpful to you so here is another thought:
Can you get a mediator of sorts to join in the discussion, someone that will control the direction and emotion of the discussion and call a "recess" when things get too heated? Ideally the mediator would be someone who either has no vested interest in whether you go into assisted housing or get housing on your own, or at the very least can see both sides of the argument equally. This mediator could be a friend, family member, clergy/priest, etc. It may be the only way to adequately and fairly hash through everything and clearly see the best option for housing.
First of all, is your mother your legal care-giver or legal representative because of your epilepsy? If so, then what she feels is best for you by law has to be taken into consideration. But if not, you are an adult! And by being a legal adult you can make your own decisions. I have made lots of decisions as an adult my parents have not agreed to, and sometimes I have been right and sometimes they have been. It's called live and learn. The way I see it, if your decision to pursue housing on your own doesn't work, then go for the assisted housing.
The above probably won't seem to helpful to you so here is another thought:
Can you get a mediator of sorts to join in the discussion, someone that will control the direction and emotion of the discussion and call a "recess" when things get too heated? Ideally the mediator would be someone who either has no vested interest in whether you go into assisted housing or get housing on your own, or at the very least can see both sides of the argument equally. This mediator could be a friend, family member, clergy/priest, etc. It may be the only way to adequately and fairly hash through everything and clearly see the best option for housing.
Thanks masterjen,
No, my mother is not legal guardian or caregiver. Simply my mother, which is what makes this so difficult because I have emotional ties to her - and her to me. I should mention that to her (relative, not legal guardian/caregiver) so she understands that while she can influence my decision she can not do it for me even if she feels she has the right to. That is the problem here. Motherly love easily turns into protective love which is construed as 'what is right for my child' - though she can make her own decisions as she is not and adult. And with my crainiotomy that perspective is ampped up times 10, with her seeing it as something which has impaired my ability to make solid decisions so she must take over when decisions must be made.
I will try get a mediator in because honestly - this is getting ridiculous. A mother and child (adult child) should not be passive aggressive with each other over such an important topic. Thanks again for the insight!
No, my mother is not legal guardian or caregiver. Simply my mother, which is what makes this so difficult because I have emotional ties to her - and her to me. I should mention that to her (relative, not legal guardian/caregiver) so she understands that while she can influence my decision she can not do it for me even if she feels she has the right to. That is the problem here. Motherly love easily turns into protective love which is construed as 'what is right for my child' - though she can make her own decisions as she is not and adult. And with my crainiotomy that perspective is ampped up times 10, with her seeing it as something which has impaired my ability to make solid decisions so she must take over when decisions must be made.
I will try get a mediator in because honestly - this is getting ridiculous. A mother and child (adult child) should not be passive aggressive with each other over such an important topic. Thanks again for the insight!