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Tonic Clonic Egotistical Depression
I've never considered myself a substance abuser, smoker, yes, alcoholic, maybe, more than casual marijuana user, definitely, but as all substance abusers I consider it under control. The closest I have come to responsibly managing my condition as an epileptic, is a reluctance to try the hard stuff. The idea of hallucinogens fascinates me but a combination of doctors orders and a general fear of the repercussions has lead me to politely decline tabs of acid, magic mushrooms and nose candy of varying forms on many occasions.
Depression is a difficult subject to discuss especially in relation to oneself, an admission of weakness is inherent to an acceptance of the condition which is a difficult pill to swallow for someone who thinks as much of themselves as I secretly do. The condition if you could even call it that is one which I am reluctant to accept, it feels more like an inability to accept the world as it is, a rejection of what is required to live a normal day to day life. It is more a laziness taken to the nth degree. Laziness or malaise to every facet of so called “normal life”.
Alcohol, and drugs are a great way of ignoring the problem of apathy and ignoring the problems that surround the “victim”. Nelson Mandela, Martin Luthur King and Rosa Parks, these people, though I am using the example of race, something I have had little to no experience with, where not happy with the state of things, this is the element which differentiates inspirational luminary's and the everyday depression sufferer. If the energy and the will to change the world could be mustered by the masses then depression would not be a negative mental condition but a catalyst of cultural, social and political evolution.
Excuses are provided for nearly every type of negative behaviour in our society, be it violence, crime, drug use or personality disorders and while I agree that we are products of our surroundings human will is a powerful thing which is not used to the best of our abilities. Laziness is the disease of our generation. I am as guilty of this, if not more so than most. Throughout school I was always considered a student of intelligence, with this knowledge at an early age I was able to coast through education right up to university level and though I have a degree it is one which barely if at all benefits me, society or the world in general.
Media studies, though something I find very interesting as a fan of pop culture and a student of post-modernism isn't beneficial to the world in general. It is a way of lazily avoiding contribution and avoiding the egotistical fear of negative feedback or mockery. A belief in the need to study such things is something I do believe in but in a broader sense, there is no use in understanding the power of the media when by its definition media studies attracts those who do not have the will to produce, or encourage change.
Our generation of stoned armchair political conspiracy theorists add nothing to the global conversation and if anything detract from the issues at hand by stereotypically embodying what a conservative element would describe as drains on society. A benefit state which supports so called artists is a weapon which conservatives use as means of keeping the poor poor and further dividing the class gap.
The people that benefit most from this system are the upper class as they can produce the microcosm of pretentious intelligent youth as a reason to keep benefits low and by extension damage those people who actually rely on governmental help, in a system which they themselves did not create but must operate within to the best of their abilities.
My first experience of the cultural ramifications of the effects of propagation of these opinions was in my mid twenties when after a struggle of several years with epilepsy I was forced to take some time off from my day job as a barman and waiter. My friends who up to that point had been very supportive of my condition began to resent the fact that I wasn't having to grind away at work every day due to my condition.
Epilepsy is a dangerous condition when it comes to perception as it is an invisible from the perspective of others. As a sufferer it is a constant struggle, at times what feels like a constant struggle to remain conscious but with the inability to relax this fight even if one wanted to. I suffered 10 full body, tonic clonic seizures over the course of several months which is rather a lot considering the dangers of falling at any time, any place with little to no warning, not to mention the neurological damage inflicted each and every time.
During this absence from work I relied on statutory sick pay, which was a fraction of my regular wage. This forced me to move back to my mothers house as I couldn't afford to eat, I will rephrase that, I couldn't afford to have any kind of social life without my mothers financial support. I admit that this is a selfish way to behave but that is part of what I consider my depression. I often feel that my social life is the only thing keeping me sane, this may be due to the crutch of drugs and alcohol and the escapism that they provide but were it not for this I would have done something stupid along time ago.
In my late teens I was a late bloomer, not even reaching five feet in height until after my 18th birthday, this coupled with a misguided and overtly teenage will to be different meant that with shoulder length hair I was often mistaken for a girl and inevitably a retention of my virginity until my early twenties. In hind sight I wouldn't change this portion of my life as it has formed who I am today. Though I objectively speaking have more going for me at the moment I never felt unhappy or hopeless during this time to the extent that I do now. I don't know if this stems from the optimism of youth or the perceived responsibility of adulthood or perhaps even the erroneous allocation of severity to life's problems and challenges.
An example of this is living to ones means which goes both ways, as a teenager I was only working 15 hours a week but now that I am an adult working a full time job making a respectable wage I seem to have less money and by extension less freedom. Understandably rent and bills are a factor now which they weren't then but my disposable income now should strictly speaking be much greater.
The depression I feel I don't know whether it is even connected to the epilepsy neurologically and I really haven't found that it affects my thinking enough to make me depressed, I don't worry about it as much as I probably should so I don't know whether the two are even related. In an egotistical sense I believe that nothing bad will come of my condition as I am the protagonist of my own life in a sub conscious level believe that I am the centre of the universe. My egotism and laziness are the most dangerous elements of my life and though I am aware of this I feel powerless to change, epilepsy may just be the knife which finishes me off.
I've never considered myself a substance abuser, smoker, yes, alcoholic, maybe, more than casual marijuana user, definitely, but as all substance abusers I consider it under control. The closest I have come to responsibly managing my condition as an epileptic, is a reluctance to try the hard stuff. The idea of hallucinogens fascinates me but a combination of doctors orders and a general fear of the repercussions has lead me to politely decline tabs of acid, magic mushrooms and nose candy of varying forms on many occasions.
Depression is a difficult subject to discuss especially in relation to oneself, an admission of weakness is inherent to an acceptance of the condition which is a difficult pill to swallow for someone who thinks as much of themselves as I secretly do. The condition if you could even call it that is one which I am reluctant to accept, it feels more like an inability to accept the world as it is, a rejection of what is required to live a normal day to day life. It is more a laziness taken to the nth degree. Laziness or malaise to every facet of so called “normal life”.
Alcohol, and drugs are a great way of ignoring the problem of apathy and ignoring the problems that surround the “victim”. Nelson Mandela, Martin Luthur King and Rosa Parks, these people, though I am using the example of race, something I have had little to no experience with, where not happy with the state of things, this is the element which differentiates inspirational luminary's and the everyday depression sufferer. If the energy and the will to change the world could be mustered by the masses then depression would not be a negative mental condition but a catalyst of cultural, social and political evolution.
Excuses are provided for nearly every type of negative behaviour in our society, be it violence, crime, drug use or personality disorders and while I agree that we are products of our surroundings human will is a powerful thing which is not used to the best of our abilities. Laziness is the disease of our generation. I am as guilty of this, if not more so than most. Throughout school I was always considered a student of intelligence, with this knowledge at an early age I was able to coast through education right up to university level and though I have a degree it is one which barely if at all benefits me, society or the world in general.
Media studies, though something I find very interesting as a fan of pop culture and a student of post-modernism isn't beneficial to the world in general. It is a way of lazily avoiding contribution and avoiding the egotistical fear of negative feedback or mockery. A belief in the need to study such things is something I do believe in but in a broader sense, there is no use in understanding the power of the media when by its definition media studies attracts those who do not have the will to produce, or encourage change.
Our generation of stoned armchair political conspiracy theorists add nothing to the global conversation and if anything detract from the issues at hand by stereotypically embodying what a conservative element would describe as drains on society. A benefit state which supports so called artists is a weapon which conservatives use as means of keeping the poor poor and further dividing the class gap.
The people that benefit most from this system are the upper class as they can produce the microcosm of pretentious intelligent youth as a reason to keep benefits low and by extension damage those people who actually rely on governmental help, in a system which they themselves did not create but must operate within to the best of their abilities.
My first experience of the cultural ramifications of the effects of propagation of these opinions was in my mid twenties when after a struggle of several years with epilepsy I was forced to take some time off from my day job as a barman and waiter. My friends who up to that point had been very supportive of my condition began to resent the fact that I wasn't having to grind away at work every day due to my condition.
Epilepsy is a dangerous condition when it comes to perception as it is an invisible from the perspective of others. As a sufferer it is a constant struggle, at times what feels like a constant struggle to remain conscious but with the inability to relax this fight even if one wanted to. I suffered 10 full body, tonic clonic seizures over the course of several months which is rather a lot considering the dangers of falling at any time, any place with little to no warning, not to mention the neurological damage inflicted each and every time.
During this absence from work I relied on statutory sick pay, which was a fraction of my regular wage. This forced me to move back to my mothers house as I couldn't afford to eat, I will rephrase that, I couldn't afford to have any kind of social life without my mothers financial support. I admit that this is a selfish way to behave but that is part of what I consider my depression. I often feel that my social life is the only thing keeping me sane, this may be due to the crutch of drugs and alcohol and the escapism that they provide but were it not for this I would have done something stupid along time ago.
In my late teens I was a late bloomer, not even reaching five feet in height until after my 18th birthday, this coupled with a misguided and overtly teenage will to be different meant that with shoulder length hair I was often mistaken for a girl and inevitably a retention of my virginity until my early twenties. In hind sight I wouldn't change this portion of my life as it has formed who I am today. Though I objectively speaking have more going for me at the moment I never felt unhappy or hopeless during this time to the extent that I do now. I don't know if this stems from the optimism of youth or the perceived responsibility of adulthood or perhaps even the erroneous allocation of severity to life's problems and challenges.
An example of this is living to ones means which goes both ways, as a teenager I was only working 15 hours a week but now that I am an adult working a full time job making a respectable wage I seem to have less money and by extension less freedom. Understandably rent and bills are a factor now which they weren't then but my disposable income now should strictly speaking be much greater.
The depression I feel I don't know whether it is even connected to the epilepsy neurologically and I really haven't found that it affects my thinking enough to make me depressed, I don't worry about it as much as I probably should so I don't know whether the two are even related. In an egotistical sense I believe that nothing bad will come of my condition as I am the protagonist of my own life in a sub conscious level believe that I am the centre of the universe. My egotism and laziness are the most dangerous elements of my life and though I am aware of this I feel powerless to change, epilepsy may just be the knife which finishes me off.
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