Tonic Clonic Egotistical Depression

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Tonic Clonic Egotistical Depression

I've never considered myself a substance abuser, smoker, yes, alcoholic, maybe, more than casual marijuana user, definitely, but as all substance abusers I consider it under control. The closest I have come to responsibly managing my condition as an epileptic, is a reluctance to try the hard stuff. The idea of hallucinogens fascinates me but a combination of doctors orders and a general fear of the repercussions has lead me to politely decline tabs of acid, magic mushrooms and nose candy of varying forms on many occasions.

Depression is a difficult subject to discuss especially in relation to oneself, an admission of weakness is inherent to an acceptance of the condition which is a difficult pill to swallow for someone who thinks as much of themselves as I secretly do. The condition if you could even call it that is one which I am reluctant to accept, it feels more like an inability to accept the world as it is, a rejection of what is required to live a normal day to day life. It is more a laziness taken to the nth degree. Laziness or malaise to every facet of so called “normal life”.

Alcohol, and drugs are a great way of ignoring the problem of apathy and ignoring the problems that surround the “victim”. Nelson Mandela, Martin Luthur King and Rosa Parks, these people, though I am using the example of race, something I have had little to no experience with, where not happy with the state of things, this is the element which differentiates inspirational luminary's and the everyday depression sufferer. If the energy and the will to change the world could be mustered by the masses then depression would not be a negative mental condition but a catalyst of cultural, social and political evolution.

Excuses are provided for nearly every type of negative behaviour in our society, be it violence, crime, drug use or personality disorders and while I agree that we are products of our surroundings human will is a powerful thing which is not used to the best of our abilities. Laziness is the disease of our generation. I am as guilty of this, if not more so than most. Throughout school I was always considered a student of intelligence, with this knowledge at an early age I was able to coast through education right up to university level and though I have a degree it is one which barely if at all benefits me, society or the world in general.

Media studies, though something I find very interesting as a fan of pop culture and a student of post-modernism isn't beneficial to the world in general. It is a way of lazily avoiding contribution and avoiding the egotistical fear of negative feedback or mockery. A belief in the need to study such things is something I do believe in but in a broader sense, there is no use in understanding the power of the media when by its definition media studies attracts those who do not have the will to produce, or encourage change.

Our generation of stoned armchair political conspiracy theorists add nothing to the global conversation and if anything detract from the issues at hand by stereotypically embodying what a conservative element would describe as drains on society. A benefit state which supports so called artists is a weapon which conservatives use as means of keeping the poor poor and further dividing the class gap.

The people that benefit most from this system are the upper class as they can produce the microcosm of pretentious intelligent youth as a reason to keep benefits low and by extension damage those people who actually rely on governmental help, in a system which they themselves did not create but must operate within to the best of their abilities.

My first experience of the cultural ramifications of the effects of propagation of these opinions was in my mid twenties when after a struggle of several years with epilepsy I was forced to take some time off from my day job as a barman and waiter. My friends who up to that point had been very supportive of my condition began to resent the fact that I wasn't having to grind away at work every day due to my condition.

Epilepsy is a dangerous condition when it comes to perception as it is an invisible from the perspective of others. As a sufferer it is a constant struggle, at times what feels like a constant struggle to remain conscious but with the inability to relax this fight even if one wanted to. I suffered 10 full body, tonic clonic seizures over the course of several months which is rather a lot considering the dangers of falling at any time, any place with little to no warning, not to mention the neurological damage inflicted each and every time.

During this absence from work I relied on statutory sick pay, which was a fraction of my regular wage. This forced me to move back to my mothers house as I couldn't afford to eat, I will rephrase that, I couldn't afford to have any kind of social life without my mothers financial support. I admit that this is a selfish way to behave but that is part of what I consider my depression. I often feel that my social life is the only thing keeping me sane, this may be due to the crutch of drugs and alcohol and the escapism that they provide but were it not for this I would have done something stupid along time ago.

In my late teens I was a late bloomer, not even reaching five feet in height until after my 18th birthday, this coupled with a misguided and overtly teenage will to be different meant that with shoulder length hair I was often mistaken for a girl and inevitably a retention of my virginity until my early twenties. In hind sight I wouldn't change this portion of my life as it has formed who I am today. Though I objectively speaking have more going for me at the moment I never felt unhappy or hopeless during this time to the extent that I do now. I don't know if this stems from the optimism of youth or the perceived responsibility of adulthood or perhaps even the erroneous allocation of severity to life's problems and challenges.

An example of this is living to ones means which goes both ways, as a teenager I was only working 15 hours a week but now that I am an adult working a full time job making a respectable wage I seem to have less money and by extension less freedom. Understandably rent and bills are a factor now which they weren't then but my disposable income now should strictly speaking be much greater.

The depression I feel I don't know whether it is even connected to the epilepsy neurologically and I really haven't found that it affects my thinking enough to make me depressed, I don't worry about it as much as I probably should so I don't know whether the two are even related. In an egotistical sense I believe that nothing bad will come of my condition as I am the protagonist of my own life in a sub conscious level believe that I am the centre of the universe. My egotism and laziness are the most dangerous elements of my life and though I am aware of this I feel powerless to change, epilepsy may just be the knife which finishes me off.
 
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Bernard

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It's possible that depression is rooted in a chemical cause - either a side effect from epilepsy meds or from your recreational drug use.

It's also possible that you are having a "mid life crisis". Lots of people go through a period of regret or disappointment over their lot in life and what might or could have been.

Life is a journey and you can't change what's in the past. You only have control over decisions you make today and the course you are charting for the future. All anyone can do is try to make the best decisions they can within the framework of their exigent circumstances.

Hope you find your own personal sunshine soon. :)
 
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Ive considered the possibility that there is a chemical cause, I have had my meds changed twice since January for this reason. It hasn't made much if any difference the only changes have been in my seizure frequency. Ive never posted to anything like this before and i just felt i needed to vent. I know that the alcohol and drugs couldn't be helping me and is more than likely the cause for most of my problems but at the minute it seems to be the only glimmer of light. I hope im not having a mid life crisis i'm only 26 but i suppose its entirely possible. Thank you very much for your feedback it means a lot.
 

Cint

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Depression is a difficult subject to discuss especially in relation to oneself, an admission of weakness is inherent to an acceptance of the condition which is a difficult pill to swallow for someone who thinks as much of themselves as I secretly do. The condition if you could even call it that is one which I am reluctant to accept, it feels more like an inability to accept the world as it is, a rejection of what is required to live a normal day to day life. It is more a laziness taken to the nth degree. Laziness or malaise to every facet of so called “normal life”.

It seems that depression is difficult for males to admit to, especially egotistical figures. Of course you don't want to express your limited degree of acceptance to your real self, how you're NOT perfect and MEN as well as women do have hormonal issues that can and do make them depressed as well.

What you're expressing here reminds me of my ex who was a pilot and all the time we were married, blamed all our problems on me, the one with E and depression. He was the one with the HUGE ego! Then one day he failed the check ride and had a nervous break down! Oh boo-hoo! Now he takes an anti-depressant plus an anxiety pill and sees a shrink, too. :roflmao: But he never had a seizure or suffered any injuries due to seizures, but he sure has "pity parties" now. Welcome to my world!!!!!!!
 
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Having a pity party is exactly my worry. I dont want to admit this to myself or anyone else because i dont want special treatment for my E or the depression, and as with your Ex in the past i have been less than sympathetic to others with depression because i didn't understand it. I still don't understand whats going on and i dont want to be treated differently but i think the topic should be more discussed and people should try to understand what is actually motivating and causing it beyond writing it off as a neurological disorder in the same category as epilepsy or severe personality disorders.
 

Nakamova

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Depression and epilepsy do tend to co-occur, but it's not clear whether they share the same or similar neurochemical basis, or whether there's a shared genetic aspect as well. That's on top of the depression that can stem from social stigma, and/or what can be caused by the meds themselves.

Which meds are you on? You might want to discuss with your neuro whether or not they could be contributing to your depression, and if so, what your options are for switching. If you're on keppra, taking a B6 vitamin can help with mood-related side effects.

A good approach to epilepsy and its related stresses is to be proactive. Check out http://www.coping-with-epilepsy.com/forums/f22/proactive-prescription-epilepsy-1254/ for good tips.
 

dejavudu

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The problems you're saying we should understand are problems that medicine needs to consider. Calling them neurological (or psychological) disorders is just a way of classifying them to help us understand what's behind all the stuff going on. Doesn't it sound a little silly to say we should understand what's causing a broken leg rather than writing it off as an orthopedic problem? Would you not want special treatment for a broken leg?

Granted, there is that stigma which comes as part of the package with neurological and psychological disorders that doesn't quite match anything you'll experience with a broken leg. It's just hard to get people to see what's going on when someone's saying, "there's an issue we need to talk about that isn't really an issue." Someone needs to take responsibility in addressing what's going on, and if you're the first to do that by admitting there's an issue, that's awesome! It takes a lot of strength.

I see a lot of different ideas crammed into that first post. Ideas are great. But it might help to chop them up a bit and handle them once small piece at a time. One thing that's hard (but necessary) to accept is that, while you can be an advocate, you can't make people understand. That's something they need to be willing to do themselves.

Taking on too much is a good way to make sure you feel lousy. So is blaming yourself for things you can't control. I think sorting those things out and being willing to accept some help might make this walk a little easier.

I read an article recently. The author was a psychologist who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Her insight was incredible. One idea she had stands out to me. It was, instead of asking people what's wrong with them, maybe we should start asking what happened to them.
 

Cint

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i think the topic should be more discussed and people should try to understand what is actually motivating and causing it beyond writing it off as a neurological disorder in the same category as epilepsy or severe personality disorders.
:agree: People DO need to understand what is causing it and it DOES need to be discussed more, but by people who have been thru it and by those who have thoroughly examined the ins and out of the disorder.

Depression and epilepsy do tend to co-occur, but it's not clear whether they share the same or similar neurochemical basis, or whether there's a shared genetic aspect as well. That's on top of the depression that can stem from social stigma, and/or what can be caused by the meds themselves.
Depression and E Definitely go together for those of us who have suffered from it relentlessly for years. There is no genetic aspect of E in my family, although there is a family history of bi-polar disorder. But, my depression didn't set in until years of suffering from E. And social stigma had nothing to do with the depression. IMO, a lot of the AEDs causes a lot of the depression, at least they did in my case!

Here's a good link on seizures and thinking/social behavior:
http://www.epilepsy.com/epilepsy/thinking_seizuresthinking
 

sassi

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I've dabbled in alcohol and marijuana (cross-buzzed and come up with horrible results, both on the medication and off). I've since stopped, I had stopped marijuana and while it's not altogether bad on it's own (the same with alcohol) I've had to take a step back to look at what I'm actually doing and what kind of chemicals I'm putting into my body and what results I'm expecting to come out.

There's always a responsibility that you undertake when you're diagnosed with anything and put on any kind of medication and using other things in conjunction with those medications. What kind of reactions can occur? Are there warnings against using certain things? Is it wise? Am I okay with the results?

In the end, it's the long term over the short term. The short term is always what feels good, what is fun, what is okay right now whereas the long term is what's the most important in any kind of decision. I've always said the first step to coming to a solution is admitting the obstacle, even if it's a minor one. It takes a lot of strength to come forward and admit struggling with something.

I think, however, you're biting off a bit more than you can chew and you need to portion it off into smaller chunks and tackle these things in smaller pieces rather than attempting to take the whole thing head on. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen if you do it that way and a sure way to only deepen your depression. We all have our battle scars, some of them are just easier to hide than others.
 
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