CQ's Jokes

[Shelley]

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

 

[Birdbomb]

Your Honour!

The following quotations are from a book called "Disorder in theAmerican Courts" by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Regardless of origination, they can be eye openersas to the mentality of those engaged in the drill...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something youforgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can Iget a new attorney? ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to adeposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you checkfor a pulse? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Shelley]

From my sister in Ca.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McDonald's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!' I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS .


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


STAY ALERT!


They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE

 

[Shelley]

replacement windows

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them.. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up.

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[Shelley]

Grandma's cookies

There is some foul language, but it's cute.

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front
porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The
little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can
your pecker touch your ass?" The little boy answered, "No Grandpa, it's
just a little pecker!" Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to
have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your
pecker touch your ass?" The little boy answered "no," again. Grandpa
said, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and
milk. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked, "Can your
pecker touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah, my pecker can
touch my ass!"
The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me"

 

[CQ:)]

loving the jokes Shelley :roflmao:

 

[matchu]

indeed, quite witty

 

[Shelley]

My

youngest sister sent me those. We have sort of a joke swap going on. I send her ones from here, she sends me hers from her job in Sacramento,Ca.

 

[CQ:)]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all.."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied

 

[Shelley]

From my sister in Lodi

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:

If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line.

Only great minds can read this

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is20taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae.. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs forwrad it

FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT

Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject
Line

NOT A TYPO. have fun.

 

[CQ:)]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[CQ:)]

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?


1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

 

[epileric]

I think you are the father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[Dutch mom]

When a joke goes wrong

 

[Shelley]

Little sister strikes again

> If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope
> you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably
> the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have
> all had bad dates, but this takes the cake.
>
> Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most
> embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner
> described her worst first date experience.
>
> There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took
> the prize!
>
> She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and
> the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt
> Lake City , Utah .
>
> It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers,
> after all, and had never met before.. The outing was fun but
> relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that
> afternoon.
>
> They were driving back down the mountain, when she
> gradually began to realize that she should not have had that
> extra latte.
>
> They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room
> and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she
> try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately,
> because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
> where she told him that he had better stop and let her go
> beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
>
> They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car,
> yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she
> didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
> against the rear fender to steady herself.
>
>
> Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for
> traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from
> peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt
> despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
>
> Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
> sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young
> lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the
> car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles
> immediately
> came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from
> the icy metal.
>
> It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem,
> due to the extreme cold.
>
> Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the
> moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what
> is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was
> 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
> assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover
> herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly
> into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the
> giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
> they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the
> situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
>
> Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
> cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
>
> Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in
> the first place, both quickly realized that there was only
> one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way,
> her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her
> butt off the fender.
>
> As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight
> Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants
> down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
>
> Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new
> meaning to being pissed off.'
>
> Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her
> husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
>
> If you laughed at this pass it on.

 

[Shelley]

barber shop blues

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door & asked, How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop & asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .' The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.' A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!

 

[Shelley]

The most functional word

in the English language:


Well, it's shit ... that's right , shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.


You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.


You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.


You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!


You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

Enjoy the day


Shelley

 

[CQ:)]

Hair Salon | Norway

(One day, a lady walked into our hair salon and said she had an appointment. We looked through the client list, but couldn't find it.)

Me: "Sorry, but I can't find your appointment here. Are you sure it was today?"

Customer: "Of course! I demand an appointment now!"

Me: "Well, I'm really sorry. I can't find you on the system. We're booked out today, but I can put up a new appointment for you if you want."

Customer: "This is bull! I booked an appointment a long time ago. Give me an appointment now, or I'll call the police!"

Me: "Well what were you going to do? Maybe I can fit you in between two other clients."

Customer: "I was going to get my eyes checked and get new glasses!"

Me: *trying not to laugh* "Ma'am, the optical store is next door."

Customer: "Uh… well…" *gives me a dirty look and leaves*

 

[CQ:)]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'


The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:


Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

 

[CQ:)]

A.a.a.d.d

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS ..... PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow , I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is COMING