CQ's Jokes

[CQ:)]

SMART ASS ANSWER #1



It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes, or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2



A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4



The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5



A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.

Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam . . .

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA



A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

 

[asalomonsterx]

My Resimay

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.




I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a
counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and
all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can
get a job wit my persinalety.




My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me
and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore
anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture
of me.




Employer's response:....

Dear Bubba,

It's OK, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

:roflmao:

 

[brain]

LOL - I love that one, but you
forgot the pic! Thanks for reposting
that one - it's an Oldie but Goodie!

:tup:

 

[CQ:)]

The Fishing Rod

An elderly woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for
her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she
just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

'Excuse me' she says, 'Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?'

'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 5 kg test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on
sale this week for $44.'
'That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally lets one rip
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way
the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't You tell me
it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

 

[Shelley]

my education

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg probably placed it there.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid the brown recluse'll bite me and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Oh, by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

fft:

 

[armynco]

That is very cute!

 

[armynco]

Did you hear the recent news the Pope broadcast from the Vatican?

In an agreement between Cardinals, the Pope agreed to Priests and Nuns having relationships.

The only stipulation; the Priests have to stay out of the "Habit"!!

 

[armynco]

I think they have medication for that now. LOL!

 

[CQ:)]

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)





























What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.

I don't know about you sometimes

 

[CQ:)]

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

 

[CQ:)]

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'



'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra less
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes

 

[epileric]

Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to
a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red
rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when
he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and
notices a note on the mirror: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to go shopping-Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table. Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye
when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect
order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting
for me?"


His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady!
I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $855.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

 

[CQ:)]

Too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


(1) On an Air NZ Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant Crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'


(2) On landing the hostess said, 'Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'


(3) 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.'


(4) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'


(5) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, A flight attendant on a Qantas flight
announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, you can be sure everything f**** thing has shifted!'


(6) From a Qantas employee: 'Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'



(7) 'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, Pick your favourite.


(8) 'Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, But we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.'


(9) 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'


(10) Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite bumpy and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't The airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's' fault... It was the asphalt!'


(11) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'


(12) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, And give them a 'Thanks for flying United. 'He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'


(13) After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'


(14) Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today and, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas.'


(15) A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - 'S**T! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in economy was heard to say, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'

 

[Shelley]

Brick Vadar

This was on my Facebook. It is funny. No flashy or audio problems found.

 

[CQ:)]

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?", he was asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answered, "I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.
I took it out and started to pee, but then I noticed it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

 

[CQ:)]

Holy - e mail

One day God was looking down on Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior, that was going on.

He called one of His Angels and sent the Angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned, she told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth, 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe, I had better send down another Angel, to get another opinion'.

So God called another Angel and sent her to Earth, for a time.

When the Angel returned, she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true, the Earth is in decline, 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased, so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them

and give them, a little something, to help keep them going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?





Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either ....

 

[CQ:)]

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!

 

[CQ:)]

Power outage during a mammogram

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here,
Strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.Everything clear?I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces ofsquare glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda headed for the door.'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back..'Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.''You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said,'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...

 

[CQ:)]

anagrams......

Dormitory .... Dirty Room
Presbyterian .... Best in prayer
Astronomer .... Moon starer
The eyes .... They see
Slot machines .... Cash lost in me
Election results .... Lies. Let's recount
Mother-in-law .... Woman Hitler

 

[CQ:)]

A passenger taps a taxi driver on the shoulder. The taxi driver screams, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window. "You're jumpy" says the passenger. "I only tapped you". " Sorry" says the cabbie. "Its my
first day, Ive been driving a hearse for 20 yrs "